31 December, 2002

Bite My Shiny, Metal Ass

god needs booze

Futurama is coming to Cartoon Network's Adult Swim as of next Sunday (January 12th) at 11:00PM. Whoo-hoo!

In other news, my cat has figured out that the toilet is really nothing more than a big, bottomless water bowl. And check out this action shot of Courage doing her house on haunted hill impression.


Me want:

Ferocious bunny


The end of an era.

30 December, 2002


i've gone from a history of hip-hop (yes yes, y'all), to an s&m memoir (i was a teenage dominatrix), and now on to the harry potter books.

this speaks volumes (pardon the pun) about me, i think.

Time Waster

I almost feel guilty sitting at my desk work, iPod headphones clamped firmly to my ears, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone open in front of me, hand on a bottle of Mountain Dew, completely ignoring the people around me and the workload waiting for me.


American Culture

From the nice people at PopMatters: Ten Reasons Why American Culture Didn't Suck in 2002 . . . And Ten Reasons Why It Did. Including a nice philippic about Eminem's homophobia.

29 December, 2002


MTV continues to suck. Instead of playing more videos, they are going to concentrate on ten videos to show throughout the week. Which I guess sounds about right. In between the Real World, Road Rules, the Osbournes and everything else they show, there really is only time for ten videos.

25 December, 2002

Ruff Translations

The Bowlingual. "Translates" what your dog is saying.

I wonder if it knows "I'm a sycophantic yes-man who drinks out of the toilet and licks your face when you get home"?

23 December, 2002

22 December, 2002

Open Letter (#2)

Dear FOX,

The football game ran long. As usual. I've pretty much given up on ever seeing the regularly scheduled 7:00PM, Sunday TV show. At least until the season is over.

But instead of showing the new episode of Futurama at 7:30, you insist on showing a "classic" episode of King of the Hill. What, exactly, is the sense in this?


P.S. You continue to suck.

P.P.S. You have elevated the art of sucking to never-before seen levels. Congratulations.

21 December, 2002

Wackly Web Logs

At work, one of my numerous responsibilities is running WebTrends on our logs and generating reports for our various components. Aside from some general annoyances at first, once things were up, running and automated, I didn't think much about them.

20 December, 2002

Family Guy

It's amazing what you never notice while watching TV. For instance, I just read an article about Hasbro and their new licensing deal with some film company. And what did I learn? That the toy factory that Peter worked in, on Family Guy, was an allusion to Hasbro.

I wonder if Seth MacFarlane worked there at some point in his life?

Which is Which?

Two sets of dummies

"Wow, they're just so amazingly life like. How do they do...oh! The ones in the back? Are you sure?"
[ The rest of the story ]

19 December, 2002


Amusing: dubyadubyadubya.com.

Ten points if you can spot the irony.

18 December, 2002

Faulty Logic

In the last two years, the following has happened to my car:

  • Alternator died on trip to my parents. Luckily, was able to get the battery charged long enough to get me to the nearest Saturn dealer.
  • Replacement alternator dies. Luckily, under warranty, so all I pay for is towing.
  • Rocker arm breaks. $1,000 later, it's fixed, and car runs again.
  • Bought a new set of tires. Nail in road punctures front-right tire. As I'm walking from the car to Subway, I hear a lovely hissing noise.
  • Engine floods, due to bad sensors. More towing. More money.
  • Today, front-right tire is flat. Yet another trip to Costco's tire center.

So far, everything that has happened, besides the first alternator problem, I have discovered on my way to lunch. Therefore, I figure if I never go out for lunch again (or at least not drive), my car will run perfectly.

Current Mood: Mushroom-cloud-laying motherfucker

Blame Canada?

No, blame Florida! Disneyland is demanding that Florida's new high-speed bullet train not stop at other theme parks.

Or to simplify things: Disneyland wants the state of Florida (in other words, its taxpayers), to build a high-speed train to go from Disneyland to Orlando International Airport.

Does anyone else see a problem with this?

What Ben Missed

Previously, I posted a link to Ben Stein's article about how to ruin American enterprise. One of the things that Mr. Stein forgot, though, was allowing the US Patent Office to issue frivolous patents. Take, for instance, AOL, which has just successfully taken out a patent on....instant messaging.

"THE CLAIM is it's a system where you have a network; you have a way to monitor who's on the network; and if you want to talk to them you hook them up," said Gregory Aharonian, publisher of Internet Patent News Service, a newsletter that's critical of technology patents. "If you're doing something like that, you're potentially infringing."

Seeing as how AIM wasn't exactly johnny on the spot in the IM world, the patent was issued to ICQ. Naturally, this could cause some problems for Microsoft, Yahoo, and anyone else who happens to have written an IM service/client of some form. The article does state that it's unlikely AOL will ever try to sue someone over this, and has taken out the patent as a "defensive measure".

Of course, what the article fails to state, is that years before ICQ came around, I and most everyone else who was connected to the internet could do exactly what they listed above:

# finger user@someplace.com[Various user information, including whether or not the user is online]# talk user@someplace.com[Interactive talk session comes up]

Or I could've used ytalk or ntalk. Whatever happened to be installed on both systems, basically. Sure, it wasn't as user friendly as today's services. But it was certainly around for years before ICQ.


SALTYT has posted a nice collection of Milla Jovovich pictures. Go look at them while you can.


17 December, 2002

The Death of Sarcasm

After 9/11, everyone was going around, proclaiming the death of irony, and I'm guessing humor in general. Of course, this was all laughed away (pardon the pun), because hey, humans often cope with tragedy using humor.

Little did we know that sarcasm was the one given a lethal injection.

A frustrated bus driver who caused a stir when he told his passengers "I'm taking you to the Taliban" has pleaded guilty to a disorderly persons charge.


After making the remark, some passengers became alarmed and called 911 on their cell phones, prompting Mickens' arrest at gunpoint after 18 township patrol cars converged on the bus. He was then charged with creating a false public alarm.

16 December, 2002

How to Ruin American Enterprise

Anyone? Anyone?

Ben Stein has written a great article for Forbes, where he lists twelve ideas that will go a long way to killing innovation in America.

3) Create a culture that blames the other guy for everything and discourages any form of individual self-restraint or self-control. Promote litigation to punish tobacco companies on the theory that they compel innocent people to smoke. Make it second nature for someone who is overweight to blame the restaurant that served him fries. Encourage a legal process that can kill a drug company for any mistakes in self-medication. Make it a general rule that anyone with more money than a plaintiff is responsible for anything harmful that a plaintiff does. Promulgate the pitiful joke that Americans are hereby exempt from any responsibility for their own actions--so long as there are deep pockets around to be rifled.


After a little more than a week of using Phoenix as my web browser of choice, I'm definitely liking it. Smaller than Mozilla, but still renders everything properly. No silly e-mail, news or chat clients included. Just a browser.

My favorite feature, so far, is this. Not just tabbed-browsing. But the ability to create a folder full of bookmarks, and then open them all up at once. Reading my daily blogs has never been easier.

As a side note, I will at some point make some changes to the site so it looks better in IE on Windows. Of course, since there are plenty of alternatives to IE (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6), don't expect me to rush on this :-p

13 December, 2002

I Love The Onion®

You know, I just can't count the number of people like this that I've met:

Area Man Lives To Correct Pronunciation
LAWRENCE, KS - According to irritated friends and acquaintances, Jim Marder, 43, lives to correct pronunciation. "Actually, the word is 'Ant-arc-tic," Marder told coworker Amy Dennon during a conversation about polar-ice-cap melting Monday. "Don't feel bad: Pronouncing it 'Antartic' is a fairly common mistake." Said Dennon: "He's always doing that: 'Actually, the word is 'affida-vit.' 'Actually, the word is 'pre-rogative.' 'Actually, the word is 'sher-bet.' Every time, he plays it all casual, but you can tell he's loving it. Dick."

From The Onion.

12 December, 2002

Wait, It's That Easy?

Davan demonstrates his suave ways.

More funny at Something Positive.

Give a Man a Website...

...and look what he'll say: David, the Anti-porn Guy, and his list of fag facts.

I can only hope that this is just the weirdest attempt at humor I have ever seen. Because frankly, David's vision of America is quite frightening.

11 December, 2002

10 December, 2002

The City of Townsville

Apparently there is a place called Townsville. Not far from a guy who has collected 4,000 thongs from his local beach.

06 December, 2002

If Memory Serves Me...

The Iron Chef drinking game. And there's an Iron Chef marathon Jan 1. Who's up for devoting a day to alcoholism?


Sexy Losers demonstrates the proper response when you find your wife in bed with another man.

NSFW. Completely and totally.

05 December, 2002

Stuff to Buy

Feel free to buy these for me:

Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Season 3Angel, Season 1

Jenny bought me the Buffy. Whoo-hoo!

Snowy Goodness

Well, for some reason I decided to brave the weather at 6:40 am and come in to work. I swear that one of the many properties of snow is that it magnifies the stupidity already present in people.

Here's a tip: It's early morning. It's been snowing, probably since about 1am, and it continues to snow. The plows can not keep up with the snow. Slow the fuck down, morons!

I'm glad that you have a big-ass, four- or all-wheel drive car that can handle the snow. Guess what? Most of the rest of us don't. Accept this fact. Don't come zooming up on a slow-moving vehicle, and get all pissy because you have to hit your brakes to avoid slamming into it.

Everybody has to drive slow, it's not just you! You will most likely be late for work. Either leave earlier, or deal with the situation.

I wish I had my camera with me. I would have loved to have gotten some footage of the idiot who spun out about 100 feet in front of me on rt 267. I think they managed to make about 3 1/2, slow-motion revolutions with their car, ending up facing oncoming traffic. Reminded me of that VW commercial with the car going round and round.

Then there was a car behind me, on the I-270 spur, that kept fishtailing. I was just waiting with giddy anticipation for this moron to somehow slam into me with the broadside of his car.

And, of course, several cars stuck in the middle of the interstate.

So now I sit in my office. Kicked off my shoes and propped up my feet on the desk. No one from my group is here, and I doubt I'll see anyone for quite a few hours. All I need is some booze, and this would be perfect.

03 December, 2002

Postmodern eBay

I really like Moe the bartender's defintion of postmodern: Weird for the sake of weird.

With that, I give you: an eBay auction, wherein the item up for bid is a picture of a cat looking at a computer screen that is displaying an eBay auction for the house that Eminem grew up in.

Open Letter

Dear Gap:

Please stop with the stupid commercials. And the ugly clothes.

30 November, 2002

the boys are a wee bit chilly

Apparently it's true what's underneath the kilt.

Highland tradition dictates men should wear nothing beneath their pleated skirts, in accordance with the saying "Nothing is worn beneath the kilt -- it's all in perfect working order."

29 November, 2002

More Moving

Finally finished cleaning out the old place today. YAY!

I then spent about six hours unpacking stuff, moving things around, and putting books on shelves here at the new place. So I present to you, pictures of the new place, plus, some images of my cat. Enjoy!

And let me just say, I am fucking tired. I still have to unpack the kitchen, as well as most of the study. But the living room is livable, as well as the bedroom. Tomorrow will be the fun of buying apartment supplies. And a haircut. Exciting life, huh?

27 November, 2002


So many naughty thoughts. How many years until she's legal?

"My friends always said I had an incredibly long tongue - I could make lots of money with it one day," said Annika.

Yesh. Yesh indeed.

Some Links

Ever wonder what antidisestablishmentarianism means?

Extended version of monster.com's when I grow up ads.

Also: Santa Claus makes the switch.

25 November, 2002

I'm Back

Oh hey, I'm back in the land of the living (read: internet access). Comcast brought me my cable modem, and activated my all my cable stuff this morning. I'll still be in out over the next few days, driving down to Hampton, driving to the old house, moving boxes, cleaning, eating Thanksgiving dinner, et cetera. But at least I can check my e-mail from the comfort of my own home again.

i am john adams

21 November, 2002


After two weeks and one day, I have my work-computer back. Huzzah!

I'm still trying to get things back to normal, and re-install all of my illicit software. Oddly, all of my Mozilla bookmarks showed up after I installed it. Really makes me wonder what all is being stored in my roaming profile. Although this would probably explain the several hours of hard disk thrashing that goes on every Wednesday.

Best of all, they got everything working again just in time for my vacation. Whoo hoo!

19 November, 2002

Oh My

I would just like to remind everybody: spandex is a privilege, not a right.

(Yeah, I know, it's not all spandex. But it makes a point.)

SFW. Probably not safe for lunch.

Bizarro World

Apparently, today I woke up on Bizarro world!

A secretive appeals court yesterday cleared the way for the Justice Department to use broad new authority to conduct wiretaps and other surveillance of terrorism and spying suspects in the United States, overturning a lower court that had blocked Attorney General John D. Ashcroft's efforts out of fear the new powers would be abused.


The decision represents a clear legal triumph for Ashcroft, who has aggressively attempted to implement new procedures governing Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) wiretaps and search warrants, which are never revealed to suspects and are approved by a special court that meets in secret at Justice Department headquarters.

I can't be the only person who sees a problem with this. I mean, secret courts? What the fuck is this?! The Gestapo? The Inquisition?

"We think the procedures and government showings required under FISA, if they do not meet the minimum Fourth Amendment warrant standards, certainly come close," the three-judge panel wrote in the ruling, parts of which were classified. "We therefore believe firmly . . . that FISA as amended is constitutional because the surveillances it authorizes are reasonable

...certainly come close?! What do you mean, close? This is the law of the land and the constitution of our fucking country you're traipsing all over. There's no room for CLOSE.

Would someone like to write up a eulogy for the constitution and the bill of rights? I think I saw a priest giving them their last rites.

18 November, 2002


Just so everyone knows, I'm not going to be online much this next week, if even at all. Cable (and phone) at the townhouse are being cut off today, and my new cable service starts next Monday. (And for the next three months, a heck of a deal, I might add). So, if you need to get in touch with me, call my cell or send some e-mail.

An entire week without cable or internet access. I would spend the time reading, but most of the books are already packed away. Irony can be pretty ironic.

17 November, 2002

Femme Fatale

Just got back from seeing Femme Fatale with Jenny and Soon-ah. I left the theatre wanting to do three things:

  1. Pee!
  2. Smoke a cigarette
  3. Talk with an outrageous accent

And that's pretty much it. Rie Rasmussen looked pretty damn good, although every inch a fashion model (skinny, exposed and vacant). Rebecca Romijn-Stamos had a horrid French accent, and really, really needed a cheeseburger. Or two. I've seen less ribs at a North Carolina BBQ.

16 November, 2002

MSN 8.0

I keep seeing these advertisements for MSN 8.0, like it's the greatest thing since sliced bread. (Featuring a man in the gayest costume I have ever seen.) But what amuses me is how they compare themselves to AOL 8.0, and naturally assure the viewer that MSN is the superior product.

I don't know. Comparing MSN to AOL is kind of like comparing a stroke to an aneurysm. Sure you can survive one, but why put yourself through the experience?

If I Had $100

And a way to get here.

15 November, 2002

Lord of the Peeps

People with too much time on their hands.

The State

There's a really great skit by The State, about threatening the president. The premise is that anyone who said the phrase "I'm going to kill the president" was immediately whisked away by a group of secret service agents, never to be seen again.

Sadly, they weren't that far off. In an article from Salon:

Art dealer Doug Stuber, who ran Ralph Nader's Green Party presidential campaign in North Carolina in 2000, was barred last month from getting on a flight to Hamburg, Germany, where he was going on business, after he got engaged in a loud, though friendly, discussion with two other passengers in a security line. During the course of the debate, he shouted that "George Bush is as dumb as a rock," an unfortunate comment that provoked the Raleigh-Durham Airport security staff to call the local Secret Service bureau, which sent out two agents to interrogate Stuber.

The jist of the article is that yes, the Transportation Safety Administration does keep a "blacklist" of about 1,000 people who are not allowed to fly, because they are a "threat to aviation". Rumours abound that there is a second (and who knows, maybe a third or fourth) list of people that, while not prohibiting them from flying, subjects them to unnecessary harassment when trying to board the plane.

Other threats to aviation I would like to see blacklisted:

  • Drunk pilots
  • Inexperienced pilots
  • Disgruntled mechanics
  • Unpleasant flight attendants
  • Airlines that don't pay their employees a livable wage
  • Children who haven't been sedated for their flight
  • The fat and/or smelly bastard that is in the seat next to me

Oh look, some nice men in black suits are h

13 November, 2002

Weapons Inspectors

Iraq has decided to let weapons inspectors back into the country. My only comment: I really like the name Hans Blix.

12 November, 2002


This test seems to think I have a few loose screws. Crazy, huh?

Paranoid:Very High
Schizoid:Very High
Schizotypal:Very High

Things That Annoy Me

(a partial list)

  • Sounds
  • Fingernail clippers
  • Chewing while the mouth is open
  • Pretty much anything bathroom related
  • Gilbert Gottfried
  • People talking right outside my office door. Loudly. For an extended period of time.
  • People attempting to carry on a coversation through a closed door.
  • People who don't realize that the walls in this building are extremely thin, and I can hear just about every-fucking-thing they say.
  • Sights
  • Flossing
  • Looking puzzled over something that's not really difficult
  • Smells
  • Microwave popcorn, burnt
  • Perfume/cologne
  • Anyone else's cigarette smoke
  • Farts, especially those that people have tried to hide
  • Doritos Corn Chips (plain)
  • Funk
  • Miscellaneous
  • Drivers who insist on trying to get as far ahead as possible before merging onto an exit ramp.
  • PDA
  • Politics and politicians
  • FOX's inability to show their complete prime-time, Sunday evening line-up

And Now For Something Completely Different

Rumors abound that John Cleese is going to author a Superman comic.

08 November, 2002

Move Over Buffy

Here comes "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter".

I Should Really Bring My Camera to Work

Wednesday, my regular computer at the office died. Nothing like booting the machine and seeing Disk I/O error: Status = 00001000. Naturally, I call the wonderful people at our help desk, and after about 10 minutes of explaining what the problem is, and that I can't do anything as it stands, they agree that someone needs to come out and fix the machine. Well, duh.

So I've been stuck on various other machines throughout the office for the last two days. Which is a pain. One, I have to move to various stations, and constantly run into the other people in my office. Literally, run into them. There's just not enough space for people to move around a lot. Two, no other machine has all of the software that I had been using. One of the nice things about being here for 2.5 years is that I've managed to get my computer set up just the way I want it, unauthorized software and all.

What occurred to me this morning, though, is that JCON (the people what handle our computer stuff) will naturally try to re-image my machine. Thus destroying hundreds of useful data files on my drive. Assuming, of course, my drive works at all.

I meant to bring in my toolkit this morning, so I could take the drive out of my computer, put it into another computer, copy the necessary data and put everything back to normal. Of course, I forgot the toolkit. But, after cannabilizing some cables from one computer, I was able to hook the IDE drive of my computer to the secondary channel on our lab computer. And let me tell, it's a pain in the ass getting an IDE cable to stretch from one computer to another. They did, however, remind me of a wonderful moment on The Simpsons, where Bill Clinton and Bob Dole are walking down the street together, holding hands.

"If you can think of a more efficient method to transfer long protein strands, we would love to hear it."

So anyways, this is why I need to bring my camera to work. The little moments like this.

P.S.: I was able to get my data from the drive, so it's not completely hosed. Hopefully I can get the JCON monkey to install Win2000 instead of NT4 whenever he or she finally shows up.

05 November, 2002

Get Your Vote On

I voted

Snyder Lives On

High school football player is given a two-day, in-school suspension for kissing his girlfriend on the forehead. I think public displays of affection are pretty damn irritating, but this is taking things a bit too far:

Rodney Bowler, Union Grove principal, said kissing, hugging excessively and other physical contact distracts students from academics.

"We run a strong academic environment in which kissing is not an activity that needs to take place in the school building," he said.

Yeah, you never know. It might just lead to the sex!

This, however, is a bit of an overreaction on the student's part:

"It's been crazy. I don't want this to happen to somebody else," Maurice said Wednesday. "It hurt me so bad, my senior year missing my homecoming game. I'm going to be scarred for life. I'll have no stories to tell my kids."

On second thought, maybe it's not overreaction. Odds are, high school will pretty much be this kid's salad days. And fond memories of winning some football trophy or breaking some pointless record are all that he will have in 15 years, when he's getting drunk with his buddies after a long day of work at some factory in the middle of Ass Fuck, Georgia. Or shooting the shit with the other employees at Big Earl's Used Car Emporium.

03 November, 2002

james is limerick's best young farmer

Fun with Googlism.

Googlism for: james ness

james ness is the subject of the complaint then please feel free to make a reference to our mr william adam based at our dalbeattie office
james ness is an ottawa freelance writer addressing business and technology issues
james ness is still living

That last one is comforting.

Googlism for: james

01 November, 2002

We Come From France

McDonald's franchise in France suggests moderation.

One ad placed in Femme Actuelle in April quoted a nutritionist who said, "there's no reason to abuse fast food, or visit McDonald's more than once a week."

Amen to that.

31 October, 2002

Tougher Than Leather

My iPod currently plays some Run DMC in tribute to Jam Master Jay.

Dance Dance

Why not get funky?


Oh, I'll be uncommonly nice and warn you that it's NSFW.


Once again, FoxTrot proves to be a quality cartoon:

FoxTrot for 31 Oct 02

(click to see the full-sized image, plus homepage)

30 October, 2002


First, a disclaimer: I don't do this sort of thing professionally. Everything I list below might be entirely wrong. I take no responsibility if you use this information as gospel, without researching it on your own. Got that? Good.

This is what I've learned after researching the whole election/electoral college thing, using data from a few government sites.

Under the electoral college:

  • There are 538 electoral votes up for grabs.
  • Of these, 270 are needed to win.
  • The top 11 states will bring in the needed 270 votes. These include CA, NY, TX, FL, PA, IL, OH, MI, NJ and NC, plus either VA or GA.
  • There were 116,536,000 (57,777,007) voters in these 11 states.
  • Under the "winner claims all" policy, 58,384,536 (28,946,281) votes would give a candidate all 270 votes.
  • This is a mere 28.4% (14.1%) of the voter population.

Under the popular vote:

  • There were 205,815,000 (105,586,274) votes up for grabs.
  • A simple majority (50.1%) of the votes needed: 103,113,315 (52,898,723).
  • A mere 25.7% of the eligible voters could elect the president.

Just to make some sense, the big numbers in bold represent the eligible voters, while the number next to them, (in parantheses), represent the actual turnout in the 2000 election.

Basically, under the electoral college, 28.9 million people could elect the president. Which is kinda frightening. Voter apathy, of course, could cause this to happen in a popular election. I realize this, and hence some of my concerns in my previous entry.

Download my data as an Excel spreadsheet, and figure out whether or not I'm smoking crack while looking at this stuff. (Yes, I know, Excel is evil. But easy to use.)

Voting figures are based on the 2000 election. Population based on 2000 census. Electoral votes based on 1997 data. Voter turnout for 2000 was approximately 51.3%

Election Reform

Things I would do if I could change how elections work in America:

  1. Make election day a paid holiday. Many people can't afford to take time off work to go vote.
  2. Provide two days of polling. Make sure that people and businesses can arrange their schedules to let as many people vote as possible.
  3. Allow absolutely no results to be released until the polls have closed on the second day. Why go vote when you already know the outcome?
  4. Offer an incentive to vote. Yeah, the ability to elect your leaders and decide important referenda should be enough incentive, but obviously that's not working. So, allow everyone who votes to get a tax credit.
  5. Allow "none of the above", or no confidence, choices on the ballots. There aren't too many things worse than having to choose between two shitty candidates. Unless it's having only one shitty candidate.
  6. When a person is released from prison, restore their voting rights. If they've "paid their debt to society", why shouldn't they be allowed to vote again?
  7. Make it easier for third- (and fourth-, fifth-, sixth-) party candidates to get on the ballot. Yeah, they might be crackpots, but if it's what the people want, it's what the people deserve.
  8. Abolish the electoral college. No more of this "swing state" crap. If you want to run for president, you should have to reach out and connect with all of America, not just a handful of states.

29 October, 2002

Government Oversight

Hold on to your hats: California congressman Mike Honda wants to give the FDA the power "to add candy warning labels and pull the most dangerous sweets off store shelves", in part because some children choked on gel candies.

The FDA -- the agency responsible for food safety -- would establish an office of Choking Hazard Evaluation. Currently, the agency does not test any food sold in the United States for choking dangers, despite the fact that thousands more children choke on food than on toys each year.

Oooh, yes! Please please PLEASE Mr. Congressman, please expand the size of the government some more. Honestly, I'm just not paying enough in taxes each year, I'd like to pay more so that a group of people can figure out whether or not certain food constitutes a choking hazard. Sadly, someone beat me to the pithy quote for this:

"All foods are intended to be placed in the mouth and, therefore, all foods have some potential for choking,'' the letter stated.

Let's imagine some future warning labels on our food products:

  • Warning: These eggs are tasty, conveniently sized, and relatively inexpensive. But please, do not attempt to re-create the scene in Cool Hand Luke where Paul Newman eats fifty hard-boiled eggs.
  • Caution: Setting your toaster oven on high may cause this bread to burn.
  • Attention: Peas represent an attractive nuisance. Children may attempt to insert peas into their noise. Please keep all peas away from cribs and young children.
  • Danger: Eating the food contained within this package may result in the following: choking, high blood pressure, low blood pressure, diabetes, migraines, cancer, gout, scurvy, heartburn, plague, salmonella, blurred vision, hyperactivity, hypothermia, brain freeze, tunnel vision, carpal tunnel syndrome, arthritis, mononucleosis, smallpox, cowpox, chicken pox, a pox upon your family, influenza, rockin' pneumonia, boogie-woogie blues, shakes, shivers, palsy, hair loss, hair growth, loss of life, loss of limb, kidney failure, appendicitis, tonsilitis, hernia, low sperm count, ovarian cysts, hemorrhoids, pregnancy, hysterical pregnancy, fever, chills, temperature stasis, dehydration, over-hydration and/or muscle spasms. Please avoid eating this food at all costs.


I really need to stop taking these quizzes, and write something with substance. But oh well, here we go:


Your Secret Fetish Is Piercings!
Not only is the pain a big rush, as you know, piercings are a great sexual enhancer. Sure, you may not be able to get a job with your punctured face, but you will have incredible sex! Kiss and suck away, but don't get your piercings locked with your lover's.

What's *Your* Secret Fetish? Click Here to Find Out!

Huge shock, I know.

24 October, 2002


Today's brush with fame: I work just 2 blocks from the jail where it looks like the suspects in the sniper attacks are going to be held. I drove out for lunch today, and the corrections facility is completely blocked off, with bunches of satellite trucks parked on the ground. Exciting stuff.

23 October, 2002

Women's Health

Do we really need this man to be chairman of the Food and Drug Administration's panel on women's health policy:

Although Hager is the editor of a book that includes the essay "Using the Birth Control Pill is Ethically Unacceptable," he told Maureen Dowd of The New York times he does not agree with the essay. Then why include it? He does not prescribe contraceptives for single women, does not do abortions, will not prescribe RU-486 and will not insert IUDs. Hager also believes headaches, PMS and eating disorders can be cured by reading Scripture. I do not want this man in charge of my health policy.

Or even to sit on the panel?

Molly Ivins has more on the topic.
And, an article from CBS news.
Or...read his book.

22 October, 2002

Election Day

Well, election is day is just around the corner. Remember to get out and vote, motherfucker! Of course, in most states, it's entirely too late to register. Some nice midwestern states, like North Dakota and Minnesota (I believe), allow you to register on election day itself. Just walk up with your driver's license, and you're good to go. Wow, what a concept! Letting people who are legally able to vote. . . . vote.

So, we'll assume you've registered, and that you're willing to vote. Now, you need to be prepared. An uninformed voter might as well stay home, for all the good he or she will do. Head out to DemocracyNet, and check out the races in your area. All you need is your zip code. How hard is that?

At this point, I've gone through all of the candidates running for the Senate for the find state commonwealth of Virginia. Let's see what the political machine has to offer this year:

  • Republicans: John Warner goes for term number five. Ho hum. I'm sure he's been stellar for the last 24 years, but politics should not be a life. Serve your constituents, then move on.
  • Democrats: Surprise, surprise, the democrats aren't even putting someone up against Warner. This is the travesty of the two-party system. "Oh, we're going to lose...let's not bother to give the people a choice". Way to fucking go, dems. Why not make it even easier for yourselves, and merge the parties?
  • Libertarian: Jacob Hornberger, pretty much the de facto Libertarian candidate, although he lists himself as an independent
  • LaRouche Democrat: I can hear you all know..."the hell?!" But yeah, check out Nancy Spannaus. Admittedly, a little too far off-centre for me.

Ultimately, I don't agree 100% with any of these candidate's ideas. That's just not going to happen, unless I run for office myself. (And who's going to vote for a mysanthropic, chaos-lover such as myself?) But for the most part, I tend to agree with Hornberger's policies. (There ya go, you've got the jgumby.com endorsement! And all ten people who read this will know about you, Mr. Hornberger.) At least, more than Warner or Spannaus. To quote Hornberger:

Individuals have a moral right to live their lives peacefully, even if they choose to do so in a self-destructive manner.

It's kind of sad that there are no major "hot-button" issues to get voters to rally around. Yeah, there's the war with Iraq, but it's just not getting people foaming at the mouth like it should. I remember back in 1994, when Ollie North decided to run for Senate. It actually made my dad go out and register, just so he could vote against him. Nearly 40 years of not-voting, turned around because of who was running. Why can't we have that now?

Even better would just be voters who gave a damn, of course. But that ain't going to happen.

The Most Dreaded Enemy of Liberty

Of all the enemies to liberty war is, perhaps, the most to be dreaded, because it comprises and develops the germ of every other. War is the parent of armies; from these proceed debts and taxes; and armies, and debts, and taxes are the known instruments for bringing the many under the domination of the few. In war, too, the discretionary power of the Executive is extended; its influence in dealing out offices, honors, and emoluments is multiplied; and all the means of seducing the minds, are added to those of subduing the force, of the people.
-James Madison

21 October, 2002

I Wonder...

...how many people are going to, in some way, link to this Doonesbury strip?

At least one, obviously.

Death By Interlocking Blocks

Legodeath: A Museum of Horrors

The only thing that bothers me about this, is that all of the victims have smiles on their faces. You'd think they would be a bit unhappy about the whole dying thing.

18 October, 2002

Blogito Ergo Sum

I blog, therefore I am.

But after that, what?

Is this my life? My existence? To only be known for my inane writings, floating through the ether? Is this the mark I, and others like me, are going to leave on history? Only the most emphemeral of impressions, compared to the length of history?

Fun With Science

The birth control patch.

I really want to get ahold of a bunch of these. Then go around and "sterilize" people for a week.

The first rule of project mayhem, is that you do not ask questions.
The second rule of project mayhem, is that you do not ask questions.

17 October, 2002


From mutts.rutgers.edu


Biting, usually a good thing. In fact, quite fun.

But not in this case.


Good: Commemorating those who died in a bombing.
Bad: Not checking the advertisement at the bottom of the page.

Harry Potter

Lord VoldemortAs Lord Voldemort, you are extremely intelligent, talented and brilliant. One minor drawback though... you are the personification of all evil. Although you have a clear understanding of moral issues, you prefer to take the more murderous or destructive option. Your strong powers of leadership attracts people, but for all the wrong reasons. Your favourite past-time of blowing up people does not go down well with the neighbours.

I am Voldemort

16 October, 2002

Another Kinda of Poll

The Iraqis have spoken, and they have said.....yes.

All 11,445,638 of the eligible voters cast ballots, said Izzat Ibrahim, vice chairman of the Revolutionary Command Council that is Iraq's key decision-making body.

Eleven million.
Four-hundred, forty-five thousand.
Six-hundred, thirty-eight.

11,445,638 eligible voters in the country of Iraq. Every single one of them voted. Every single one of them voted 'yes'.

And the state of Florida can't even get a primary right.

Take This Job

and shove it.

Tokyo Breakfast

Extremely offensive: Tokyo breakfast (approx 13M)

No nudity, but language can be an issue.

What am I saying? Language is an issue! Wear headphones if you're at work.

15 October, 2002


I am just back with a motherfucking vengeance, today!

Okay, I will say this now. The following link is REALLY FUCKING NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!! Do not follow this link at work if there is the slightest chance you will get in trouble for having pr0n, or anything remotely questionable, on your computer screen. (The link is hosted on stileproject.com...that should be enough of a warning right there.)

That being said, check out a video of some moron stapling his fucking nuts to his leg.

Also, the tattoo at the end...very appropriate.

Serious Issues, Silly Name

Interesting article about why a christian watches Buffy.

Also, the TV Gal's spoilers for both Buffy and Angel:


More proof that American TV sucks ass compared to the rest of the world.

Last night's programme showed the two women topless in bed together and hinted at them performing sex acts on each other.

Given the choice of watching a fairly pedestrian situation comedy that explores no new ground, or watching an historical teleplay that features breasts (and, yes, lesbians for those guys out there who get a big stiffy at the merest hint of two women touching each other), guess which one I'm going to choose?

Dude, You're Getting the Boot

(And not that kind of boot)

Looks like Dell is going to let Steven go. I know I'm saddened by that.

"We're trying to look at some alternatives," said Dell spokesman Bob Kaufman, who said the company is currently airing ads that feature a group of eager interns. "We test ran some of the interns spots during the summer and got some positive reactions."

This is usually the point where I would say something about scooping out my eyes instead of having to watch more of this drivel. However, the female intern is quite hot, so I'm not going to. My libido has spoken.

Tick Tock

Only eight more years.


[I realize I've been fairly slack lately, in keeping people apprised of the events of the world in which we live. So, let me try to fix that.]

Neither Wal-Mart, Toys R Us nor KB Toys will carry Acclaim's latest video game, "BMX XXX".

"We're not going to carry any software with any vulgarity or nudity -- we're just not going to do it," Wal-Mart spokesman Tom Williams told Reuters.

Wow, big shock right there. And Wally World is usually a bastion of freedom and openness. Of course, maybe we should hear from Acclaim about their product:

A promotional video clip first bills "BMX XXX" as a "game of cultural sophistication and artistic aspiration" then launches into a hard-rocking montage of clips, including bike tricks and shots of strippers in action. The video ends with the admonition: "We're going to hell for this and you're all coming with us."

I think Kid Rock would be proud.

13 October, 2002


And then I had what alcoholics refer to as 'a moment of clarity'.

12 October, 2002

After the Wedding

Nick sleeping
This is Nick, by the way. Isn't he just so kyooooot?!

10 October, 2002

Tell Me a Story

A little something for the smart kids.

Erewhile there existed a jejune hoyden, who had secured the veneration of all, even those who had espied her for merely a singular discrete trice. Her consanguinities comprehended, among others, an enate predecessor, possessing the prosaic appellation of grandmother, and via the largess of this clement crone, she procured a Lilliputian capote, with a most vermilion capuche, whence her winsome sobriquet, "Little Red Riding Hood", was so engendered.


I love Krispy Kreme doughnuts. A lot. But not this much. Maybe I'm spoiled, but I'm not going to wait in line for two days for a doughnut. It's not like the store will only be open for a week, so get your doughnuts while you can.

Also, this guy:

"I don't like doughnuts, to be quite honest," said John Kristofak, a member of the Central Connecticut State University jazz band that was asked to play for the ribbon cutting ceremony. "I just want coffee. I don't need any lard."

is an idiot. Check out the nutritonal info for the original glazed. The only lard is probably in your ass, jazz-boy.

07 October, 2002

Fun Fact #3

Today's fun fact:

It's national squirrel awareness week.

06 October, 2002

04 October, 2002

Yet More Testing

Currently trying out the latest version of Kung-Log, 1.4.2. Looks pretty good so far. It seems to behave more like it should, considering that it designed for use with Moveable Type. Finally gives me the option to toggle things like "Allow comments" and "Convert line breaks". If only I could use this at work.

Hot or Not

Doing this for validation: Is my Blog HOT or NOT?

And no, not my own, personal validation. I'm not quite that sad.

01 October, 2002

Waking Up

SinfestYet another typical morning in my house.

Hopefully, the artist behind Sinfest will not be too mad about the use of his strip. I highly encourage everyone to go read this comic. Now.

Stop dawdling.

Seriously, click the link.

Don't read any more of this.

Go. Enjoy the funny.


30 September, 2002


And on a different note: vibrators for all!

'We're trying to educate the NHS about what products are traditionally available through sex shops and how these products can help with patient aftercare,' she said. 'All the current medical implements used for dilating vaginas are frightening, uncomfortable things that look like a cross between toilet brushes and medieval torture implements.

Whinge Whinge Whinge

.Mac outage; reliability issues persist. (Be sure to read the comments after the article.)

Wow. Apparently, Apple is some great big boogey-man, trying to harm thousands of innocent netizens, in ways not even Microsoft can imagine. All because some of Apple's .mac services were unavailable Saturday night.

The two biggest complaints: 1) users were being denied their god-given right to 24/7 e-mail access and 2) users were unable to keep in touch with clients of their small businesses.

You'll have to forgive me for not feeling any sympathy for these people. According to the .Mac terms and conditions for signing up:

While Apple makes reasonable efforts to ensure that .Mac is available at all times, Apple does not guarantee, represent or warrant that .Mac services will be uninterrupted or error-free, and Apple does not guarantee that users will be able to access or use all the .Mac features at all times.


.Mac has been designed primarily for personal use. .Mac is not intended to be used to host e-commerce businesses for marketing, promotions and sales (including, without limitation, software distribution) over the Internet.

And to boil it down even further: 1) we do not guarantee 24/7 reliability and 2) don't use .Mac for your business needs. What can be so hard to understand about that? Try actually reading your service agreement when you sign up for something.

The problem lies in the people who are already out for blood, talking about lawsuits against Apple for the heinous and criminal act of not having e-mail available at the drop of a hat.

Awww, what's wrong? Expecting an e-mail from that hot chick in accounting that you've been drooling over for the last three months? Is the message from Publisher's Clearinghouse confirming your $10 million prize just languishing on Apple's servers? Is some client's order for 10,000 widgets not going to be fulfilled because you can't sync with .Mac?

Guess what, Dorothy? We don't care. You might care. There might be a couple of hundred people who do care. But we don't. By we, I mean the 99.5% of users who either have something better to do while waiting for the servers to come back to life, or who don't rely on the internet for gratification.

Hell, when the servers went down Saturday night, I was hanging out at a friends' house. That, or watching some TV at my place. I sure as hell wasn't fretting over not being able to check my bloody mac.com e-mail!

To be a bit more blunt: If a server is down, find something else to do, fuckwad. There are literally millions of other computers on the internet that you can interface with. Perhaps one of them will keep you entertained for a little while. Or better yet, Sparky, why don't you try going the fuck outside! Or read a book. Or talk to a real, live human being. Pet your cat and/or dog. Shit, why don't you just go to sleep? The human body needs sleep. And hey, maybe you'll dream about the hot chick from accounting...because that sure-as-hell is the closest you'll ever get to her.

28 September, 2002

I'm Torn

Just saw a commercial for a new movie, Knockaround Guys. And really, I'm torn, because of who is in it. Compare the pros:

Oh wait, I listed Seth Green twice. But damnit, he's just that cool. Now the cons:

I suppose I will end up seeing it, and hope that I can block mesr. Diesel out of my line of sight.

27 September, 2002

7 January 2003

Buffy. Season 3.


Seriously, it's all about proofreading, people. Think about what you've just typed, and ask yourself, "does it have any other meanings than what I was expecting?" From my messages page on amazon.com:

Don't wait for the next big virus to hit.Click here now


Just read an interesting op-ed piece included in Jenny's blog.

I must whole-heartedly agree with the assessment that Dubya just doesn't know when to quit. When things are going wrong, you really need to re-assess the situation, and make some strategic changes.

Let's take a look at something as simple as speech. You've probably seen the clip of Dubya speaking to a group in Tennessee, where he uttered this little doozy:

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me...uhhh...fool..um...a fooled man can't be fooled again!"

Now, what he was going for, of course, was "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me". A pretty good sentiment, all in all. However, even though he knew he was fucking it up, did he stop? No, not George Bush. He instead valiantly trapses on, tacking on whatever the hell he wants to, as if he was going to somehow save face with this tactic.

I wouldn't have thought twice if he had stopped, and started over again, this time getting the phrase right. I know that when I'm talking, I often backtrack, in hopes of getting what I'm saying right. (In fact, this is why I prefer using the internet for communication. I can hit the bloody backspace key and remove my mistakes.)

There are, I'm sure, so many other, more important examples of this behaviour. But damnit, something so simple as this should really be ringing alarm bells along the way.

2 Days

Actually, not even two days, and I've already screwed around with the design. But at least not major changes. Ultimately, I just didn't want to abandon the most recent comments section. It's such a convenient way to be able to check if people are bothering to leave any comments.

Some notes about the design:

  • I've resized the cow pictures from 106px to 100px wide. This means that if you have some of the cows in your cache, they're probably still 106px wide, and will run over into the blog section. You have two choices: Hit shift-reload a lot; clear your cache; or just not worry about it.

    Three choices. You have three choices! The nature of which I have divulged in my previous paragraph.
  • The left- and right-hand sides should stay in place, while the content in the middle moves up and down. Much like frames, except I use absolute and fixed positioning in style sheets to create the effect. This means:
    • Some browsers display everything correctly. I use Mozilla as my primary browser, and not coincidentally, Mozilla displays the pages correctly.
    • For some, the left and right sides stay in place, but when you move up and down, the graphics "stutter". It's somewhat difficult to describe, but basically what happens is that the empty space underneath "Jibba Jabba" might end up filled with pieces of the "Jibba Jabba" graphic, or the "Periodic Table of Links" graphic. If you switch windows, it will clear up (until you move the scroll bar up and down again). Why this happens is beyond me. Why this should happen in certain browsers, whose rendering engines are the same as other browsers that do work, is also a mystery. Let's just hope that future releases will fix the problem.
    • Some browsers just can't handle positioning, so everything moves up and down. Obviously, not that big of a deal.
    • Older browsers (such as Netscape 4.x, which I sadly must deal with at work) just can't handle it at all. The page looks like complete and utter crap. And you know what? Those browsers are worth approximately one pair of fetid dingo's kidneys to me. If you're using one, I suggest you read the next bullet:
    • Browsers with style sheets turned off or that have little need for true CSS support (such as Lynx), will not have the most visually appealing experience, but all of the content will be there. Everything should be laid out in such a manner that none of the text is hidden or in funky places. This is what happens when you have to code to Section 508 standards at work, you end up creating (somewhat) accessible websites on your own.
  • For the most part, the "Miscellaneous Debris" logo on the right is a place holder. Sooner or later either I or someone else will come up with something I really like, and I'll got with that.

26 September, 2002

Business Card Display

Pictured below is a plaster model of a porn star's snatch. This is seriously marketed as a business card holder.

Give Him...The Plague!

Fun fact for today:

From 1947 to 1997, 390 cases of the plague (including 60 deaths) were reported in the US. The most recent known case involves a 21-year-old New Mexico man who contracted the plague in June 2001. "Appendix A: More Secrets and Lies" contains more startling facts about diseases and other health threats.
[Everything You Know Is Wrong, page 288]

Also: a quiz

25 September, 2002

The Site

I would like to thank everyone for their input on my site redesign. Naturally, I threw everything away and started over from scratch!

Well, I did start over from scratch, but kept the good stuff. I still need to add the rest of the links up top. And figure out if I want to add the "Powered By..." section (probably not on the main page).

But anyways, this feels less...cramped to me. Not so boxed in. So start taking bets on how long it takes me to do yet another redesign. :-)

P.S.: The rest of the site will change over in the next day or so

Fun Fact

Fun fact for today:

During the Roman Golden Age, the penalty for adultery was a mob beating followed by a large radish violently shoved up your ass.
(Lucian, The Death of Peregrinus)


Two entries in a row about conservatives who can't deal with the human body. I need a mental palate cleanser.

Alyson Hannigan

Ahhhh....much better.

The Human Wang is a Beautiful Thing

Seriously, these people need to get laid.

A group of Montgomery County social conservatives is claiming two more victories -- one in the form of a new library review policy, the other in the form of a plaster fig leaf.
The latter recently was placed strategically on a replica of Michelangelo's classic statue of David, which had stood nude atop a sporting goods store in the town of Shenandoah.
The Republican Leadership Council is continuing a boycott of the Buca di Beppo restaurant in the same shopping center because it has photos of nude statues and paintings.

I feel like I'm repeating myself, but:
It's called a body. We all have one. Get over it.

Sometimes, I really wonder what these people do in the bedroom. (No, I don't mean like fantasizing about it, you pervs.) But I'm just curious if these people are the kind who push the twin beds together, turn out the lights, take off their clothes (but probably not their socks), and have quick and efficient sex, missionary position, for five minutes, in the hopes of creating a(nother) child? They just sound like the most boring people in the world, and would probably look at you like horns were growing out of your head if you suggested something as kinky as doggie-style or, heaven forfend, oral sex.

24 September, 2002


Wolford advertisement

Apparently, this image is too much for the city of New York to handle.

Oh no, we might see some woman's naked flesh! Help us, Jeebus! Save us from the temptation!

Stupid puritanical mores. It's called a body. We all have one. Get used to it.


What's the difference between a joke and an insult?
A joke is aimed at someone else.

Jesse Jackson isn't too happy with everyone involved with the movie Barbershop. Apparently, some of the jokes aren't up to his standards. The funny part of the story, though, comes at the end:

Director Malcolm Lee, whose films include The Best Man, and Undercover Brother, called the brouhaha "a little silly."

"I think if they want to protest movies, there are a lot of other movies to protest that do a lot more damage to the black community," Lee said. "There are strong images and more egregious affronts to (blacks)."

Such as....Undercover Brother?! I don't think you need to be Aaron McGruder to see the problem with Mr. Lee's statement.

As for whether the producers, director, writers, stars, etc did something wrong...*shrug* I suspect it falls under the category of jest, and as the article states, the other characters condemn the speaker for being disrespectful. This is the sort of writing that used to fall under the category of humor, possibly even political humor. Now it seems as though not towing the line will get you a reprimand and demands to cut the offending scene out of future releases. So remember kids: freedom of speech is a-okay, as long as you don't say anything unpopular.

23 September, 2002


From a Washington Post article:

Only the United States and Russia are known to possess stocks of the virus, but security experts fear a hostile nation such as Iraq may have acquired a cache of the virus. Vice President Cheney has contended the risk of attack may necessitate inoculating every American as a protective measure.

You know, if I was a small country or terrorist organization, and I was thinking about unleasing smallpox against the Western world, I sure as hell would not release a stock version of the virus. I would have my scientists working around the clock to genetically modify the original smallpox so that it's just as dealy, if not even more so, but that the standard vaccine would be worthless against it. Why would I waste time preparing a biological attack that my enemy can put up safeguards against?

And yes, sometimes it scares me that I think of these things. And sometimes it scares me that other people don't.


Fetish MapFinally, someone has taken the time to diagram every fetish for us.

Basically worksafe

22 September, 2002

Testes, Testes. 1. 2. 3?

Doing some redesign of the site. Check out the prototype. Comments and suggestions are welcome.

20 September, 2002

Doesn't Anyone Check These Things?

Okay, this has got to be the most inappropriately-named children's DVD I have ever seen.

Book Learnin'

Check out the Wikipedia, the first open-source encyclopedia.

19 September, 2002



Your pirate name is:

Black James Flint

Like anyone confronted with the harshness of robbery on the high seas, you can be pessimistic at times. Like the rock flint, you're hard and sharp. But, also like flint, you're easily chipped, and sparky. Arr!

What's your pirate name?


Kyle: "And now we know the true meaning of Christmas."

Cartman: "Yeah, ham."

Kyle: "No it's not ham, you fat fuck!"

Battle of the Stars

Go vote in Zap2it's Battle of the Network Stars. It's an enjoyable way to kill about 2 minutes of your day.

18 September, 2002

Followup: Kopi Luwak

Remember kopi luwak, the coffee made from animal droppings? Uncle Cecil explains the phenomenon, as well as how it relates to perfume.

Some people have expressed skepticism that kopi luwak consists entirely of pre-eaten beans, and from a quality-control standpoint it's hard to imagine what you would do to guarantee 100 percent authenticity. But I cherish the thought of some yuppie complaining that his coffee isn't pure shit....

17 September, 2002

Fun with AIM

gatlouca: hey, my hair's not THAT red.
JGumby314: more's the pity
gatlouca: yeah, then i'd have to beat you off with a stick.
gatlouca: oh, my. did i type that?


To quote Jay: Fuck fuck mother mother fuck fuck!

A Hollywood adaptation of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is in the works. I just know that this is going to suck on so many levels. One of the charms of the original BBC radio production and television program is that it was just a bit cheesy. (Okay, it was a lot cheesy.)

But Bob knows that they're going to do everything they can to modernize it. CGI effects. Huge sets. Overpriced actors. I mean, look who they've picked to direct and write:

Jay Roach, director of the "Austin Powers" franchise, is attached to take the helm and will serve as a producer.

Kirkpatrick previously wrote "Chicken Run," "The Road to El Dorado," "James and the Giant Peach" and "Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves."

Mercifully, Douglas Adams penned the original screenplay, so there's less chance of Kirkpatrick completely screwing it up. But damn, I'm certain he will try with all his might to do so.


kay, I thought it was fairly difficult being a vegan when I was one. No meat. No dairy. No eggs. Usually not too much problem when eating at home, but eating out was a big pain. However, all of that pales in comparison to keeping kosher. Wow.

They do not, however, explain kosher pickles.


Some mild spoilers for the season premiere of Buffy, as told by the TV Gal. Lucky her, she's already seen it! I desperately await this being posted to usenet so I can grab it ahead of time.

16 September, 2002


Damn, there seem to be supernovas everywhere. They're even attacking fashion models now.

[Possibly NSFW, but I doubt it]


There is no longer anything sacred. Some asshat has developed a machine that will emboss words on a pizza crust. So now, the fine consumers of the world can enjoy an advertisement on their fucking pizza, while they're trying to eat. As if there aren't enough advertisements on the box. Or the napkins. Or the bottle of soda that came with it. No, we have to be subjected to yet one more fucking ad.

I must have missed the meeting. You know, the meeting where it was decided that every possible square inch of a product being sold should contain usable advertising space.

I say they're really missing out, here. All those pepperonis? Think of them as little, cross-promotional billboards. They could be like Burma Shave:

Feeling quesy
From something
So cheesy?
Find relief
From all your grief
Pepcid AC

Just imagine the limitless possibilities once we get nanotechnology down pat. All of that cheese could do something besides just sitting there, waiting to burn your mouth. It could become like unto an artist's canvas, displaying a message about how you, the lucky pizza consumer, can save $3 if you come down to the restaurant for Family Nite™ next Tuesday.

My only consolation is that this machine is being marketed to places like Pizza Hut, and other such crappy places. All the more reason to not eat their horrid "food" again.

13 September, 2002


Look, kittens! So cute and fluffy.

Man, This Coffee Tastes Like...

Kopi Luwak coffee. Now, I'm not normally a big coffee drinker, except for frou-frou espresso drinks, but damn, sign me up for this:

Some delicacy is advisable because we're talking about a brew made from beans culled from the excrement of a jungle cat called a luwak that lives in the coffee plantations of Java, Sumatra and Sulawesi. The cats eat ripe coffee berries but can't digest the beans inside them, which show up whole in their droppings, collected by hand by plantation workers.

Best of all? You get to pay $600 per pound for this coffee. $600!

I'll make you a deal. You pay me just $300, and I'll personally run some coffee berries through my lower GI tract, so you can get that nutty flavor you so desperately desire in your coffee.

Have I mentioned lately exactly how stupid I think people are? Because really, I think anyone clamoring for a cup of this shit (pardon the pun) needs to be shot, as well as any offspring they might have.

12 September, 2002


British American scientists have figured out how to grow test-tube penises.

There are so many things I could say here.
Bad Viagra jokes.
Interchangeable dicks.
Flesh Textured Dildos.
Detachable Penis.

But I'll leave that as an exercise for the readers.

Beef Ballet

A (fake) gay marriage in the WWE.

Just very odd, I guess. I'm glad that the fans reacted well to the whole thing. Who would've thought that you could find such tolerance with a bunch of redneck, in-bred, white-trash, podunk rasslin' fans?

Media Free

Okay, enough of that. I hope everyone appreciated yesterday's sentiment.

All in all, a good September 11th Patriot Day. I managed to stay almost completely media-free, except for about ten seconds at dinner, plus an article I read on Salon, "Forbidden Thoughts about 9/11".

I was, however, a good little consumer and purchased a digital camera. (Hey now, I've been planning on getting one for quite a while now...wasn't some boost-the-economy-love-the-country kind of purchase.) Naturally I present to you a picture of my cat, Courage.

11 September, 2002



Stop picking at the scab


Okay, looks like Tim Curry is no longer doing a spot on Buffy. At least, the credit has been removed from his IMDB listing.

And, Riff Regan is listed as Moloch's daughter. Wasn't that the character Curry was going to play? (Riff was the original Willow, as seen in the unaired pilot.)

However, Bill Murray is now listed as playing Mordag the Destroyer. Hrm.

Additionally, John Rhys-Davies (the Professor on Sliders) is listed to play Lord Cockrin, although with no dates by his name.

All in all, weird stuff.

10 September, 2002


(Way too many entries today. Damn I'm bored!)

Could someone tell me what the hell is up with this picture? There's something just not quite right about it.

[Questionably worksafe, so click MORE to see it]


Tomorrow being September 11th, we here at the Department of Justice are going to be sure to follow proper security procedures. To wit, here is an excerpt from a memo sent out this afternoon:

1) All employees should wear their Department of Justice (DOJ) ID badges externally while they are in DOJ controlled office space. (Remember to remove your ID badge upon leaving the building.) Personnel found in a controlled area not wearing a DOJ ID badge or temporary pass should be challenged and required to provide adequate verification that they either work in the facility or are an authorized visitor sponsored by a DOJ employee;

Notice the emphasis up there. Who the hell is wearing their ID badge internally?!?!

Captain KoonsSo he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this badge up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the badge. I hid this uncomfortable piece of plastic up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the badge to you.

Season Seven

Got this from TV Guide:

A lot of familiar faces will be returning. Not only is Amber Benson coming back as a character other than Tara, so might be Eliza Dushku (Faith), Clare Kramer (Glory), Juliet Landau (Drusilla) and George Hertzberg (Adam). "[They're all returning] for a very particular reason that I will not explain to you," Whedon teases.

Anybody know what's up with this? Wacky Halloween episode, per chance?


Who's the abortion that's really hot
Ever since he was scraped from his mother's twat?


Daaaaamn right.

Kneel Before Zod!

Check out General Zod's résumé.

Then kneel before him!

08 September, 2002

Damnit, Beavis!

Learn logic with Beavis & Butthead:


Equivocation means many things, but is often taken to mean using a word in a different sense to that which was intended. In fact the word "equivocation" is pretty equivocal.

(Beavis, under the influence of a music video, is "dancing" on the sofa.)

Butthead: Get down, Beavis!
Beavis : I am getting down!


Quotes from our great president. For OS X.

07 September, 2002


Made some changes to how the site looks. Various archive views are available under the Archives link. Added a link to some stats produced by Sawmill. (Still working on making them look like the rest of the site.)

Most importantly, though, is that I've switched all of the files over to PHP. The <$MTInclude$> tag just wasn't cutting it, especially for including modules in the different archives. Plus, by having my navigation bar module as an index file, and then including it through a PHP call, I save on CPU overhead when it comes time to rebuild. And quite frankly, only other geeks will find this at all interesting.

So be aware that stuff might be broken. Particularly in terms of links from outside sites, such as search engines. It'll take a while before they all crawl through again and start caching files. But for the most part, I think the changes will be largely transparent to you, my loyal reader.

Leave any comments in the suggestion box.

06 September, 2002

Photographs and Phonographs

(Regarding some new software that basically digitizes music from an image. Got the link from Chris' site.)

That is amazingly cool, actually.

I mean, I can't see this becoming the "future of music", but for those who love the past, it could be a godsend. Consider the staggering number of vinyl records in existence. Now consider how many of them have actually been released in a digital format. My guess is less than 60%. Probably less than 40% for "legitimate" releases, but there are people out there carefully digitizing their old 78s and putting them out in the wild for people to download.

The biggest problem with this process is that for many albums, there are no masters. After 50+ years, it can be difficult to keep track of some of these things. It's not uncommon to hear a CD where the best example of a song came from an old record, complete with various hisses, pops and scratches. You can digitally edit these, and even attempt some noise reduction, but the quality always suffers.

Add to this the problem that every time you play a record, you're causing just a little more damage to the grooves. I don't know if this digitization process can be properly refined, but the potential is out there. You find an old album, scan it in (subjecting it to nothing more harmful than 30 seconds of light), put the album away, and then start digitizing.

I doubt we'll ever achieve sonic perfection with this process, and many great recordings are going to be doomed to crappy reproductions. But at least this is a step in the right direction in terms of preservation.

You have to be prepared for the possibility that God does not like you

Malachi 2:31The good folks over at Landover Baptist Church are offering t-shirts with bible quotes on them.

No love-thy-neighbor, isn't-life-great-because-of-god quotes here. Just good old fashion god-is-pissed-at-you quotes.

05 September, 2002



You are Rowlf!
You don't draw attention to yourself much, preferring to keep your cool and stay in the background.

Take the What Muppet Are You? Quiz!

Spent way too much time making that XHTML compliant.

Erection Day

Damn. If I lived in Sweden, this woman would definitely have my vote.

(All apologies for the bad pun up there)


In Wilmington, NC, a 4th grade teacher was reprimanded for using the word niggardly in her class. The complaint is that "it sounds similar to a racial slur."

Similar to a racial slur?! There are a lot of words that sound similar to nigger. Hell, there are a lot of words that sound similar to cunt, fag, kike, and chink. As crazy as it sounds, some of those words I've just listed have other meanings, besides the offensive. Shall we take all words with the potential to offend out of common usage as well?

Bear with me, because I'm about to get a bit radical. But let's see what the dictionary has to say about these words:

Main Entry: nig-gard-ly
Pronunciation: -lE
Function: adjective
Date: 1571 (emphasis added)
1 : grudgingly mean about spending or granting : BEGRUDGING
2 : provided in meanly limited supply

Main Entry: nig-ger
Pronunciation: 'ni-g&r
Function: noun
Etymology: alteration of earlier neger, from Middle French negre, from Spanish or Portuguese negro, from negro black, from Latin niger
Date: 1700 (emphasis added)
1 usually offensive, see usage paragraph below : a black person
2 usually offensive, see usage paragraph below : a member of any dark-skinned race
3 : a member of a socially disadvantaged class of persons <it's time for somebody to lead all of America's niggers... all the people who feel left out of the political process -- Ron Dellums>

Notice that the word niggardly is older by about 129 years. Now, I'm not trying to encourage people to go around, using words offensively. (Although if they want to, that's their own issue.) What I'm saying is, stop being such whinging, PC-Nazis about the language, and let us use the words in an appropriate manner. Given the meaning of niggardly, the teacher (or, more specifically, the literature she was teaching from), could have used the word Scotch instead. (Look at Scotch [1, adjective] for what I'm talking about.)

Oops, I used the word Nazi. That's probably offensive, huh?

Dark Side of the Moon

A commercial mission to the moon has been approved by the government.

"We're also looking to verify Apollo and other landing sites," said TransOrbital President Dennis Laurie.
He said "verify" because there are still a few people out there who believe the Apollo program was a hoax. The last part of Trailblazer's mission will be to crash land on the lunar surface, taking "barnstorming" videos the whole way down.

Of course, we all know that these images will be more fakes. Yet another effort by that tricky government of our's to make everyone believe we landed on the moon!

04 September, 2002


Once again, The Onion hits the head on the nail.

Faster Than a Speeding Bullet

A condom applicator that works in only three seconds.

The inventors say it's much quicker than the usual 30 to 40 seconds it takes to fit a condom.


He told the paper: "Struggling in the dark with the packaging has a tendency to dampen a man's ardour - likely to deal a fatal blow to the ego. Many guys then prefer to take chances - with the likelihood of signing a kind of death sentence."

Two things:

  • If it's taking an inordinate amount of time to open and apply a condom, then you (and your partner) really need to spend some time practicing this manuever.
  • If you can't sustain your erection for this length of time, well...that's just kind of sad.

03 September, 2002


OSX StickerAttention: If you have seen a sticker like this for sale, please let me know where you saw it. My own search has been fruitless so far.

Also: new cow pictures.

Every Day

This is pretty much every day at my house:

Mutts for September 3, 2002

All Your News Are Belong To Us

Entirely too amusing: Headline Haikus.
All the news that's fit to print...in seventeen syllables.

02 September, 2002

Labor Day

"Homer, the plant called. They said that if you don't come into work tomorrow, then don't bother coming in Monday."
"Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend!"

Just enjoying having yet another day off. Testing out a blogging app for OS X called Kung-Log. Looks pretty good so far. A few features missing, but hey, the source code is available for hacking.

31 August, 2002

Dude, Who Grabbed My Ass?

So yesterday was my birthday. Happy birthday to me.

How did I celebrate my birthday, you ask. Well, for starters, I took the day off from work. No way was I dealing with co-workers on my birthday. I wanted to be as happy as possible.

In the interest of being purely selfish, I went to Caffeine, bought a mocha and spent too much money on used CDs.

  • Spacemonkeys vs. Gorillaz - Laika Come Home
  • bt - ima
  • Django Reinhardt - Django Reinhardt
  • Fatboy Slim - Live on Brighton Beach
  • Deejay Punk Roc - Anarchy in the USA
  • Propellerheads - Decksandrumsandrockandroll

Then, off to Tarzhay, where I bought absolutely boring things like a shirt, some pants, fabric softener, mouth wash, etc. I considered picking up some Crest White Strips, since I've heard such good things about them, but at $42, I just didn't want to make that kind of commitment. As I noted later on, at least I didn't buy socks. Buying socks on your birthday is a sign that you've gotten way too old.

I returned home, planning to waste time until I met my friends for dinner. Luckily, Jen got off work early, so we decided to meet at the International Spy Museum and see what it had to offer. So I loaded up my bag of tricks, drove to the Metro, and headed into beautiful downtown Washington, DC.

Sadly, the line for the Spy Museum was about 45 minutes long. Preposterous, I say. It's a beautiful Friday afternoon. Don't you people have better things to be doing?
Apparently not.

Dismayed by the long wait, Jen and I headed to her place to wait for the rest of the crew to show up for dinner. We ended up watching Sister Act 2, with the very young Lauryn Hill and Jennifer Love Hewitt (sans her extremely nice breasts..but oh well.)

Finally, people started showing up. Too many people, in fact. Shoo! people. We have to go eat now. Through the amazing (and lead-footed) driving skills of Gary, we did make it to the Melting Pot in time for our 8 o'clock reservations. To learn about the remainder of the evening, click the MORE link. However, if you're of any relation to me, a minor, or just generally a prude...please don't!