30 May, 2002


As if Palm Beach County, Florida hasn't embarrased itself enough (butterfly ballots, anyone?), they've decided to introduce a standardized final exam for their high school History classes. The kicker? You only need 23 out of 100 to pass it.

Now, I can understand wanting to give a little leeway to the students, since this will be the first time a standardized test has been used. But damn, a fucking 23? These kids should actually be learning the material so that they can take any damn test you put in front of them. I'm no statistician, but I'm guessing the odds are pretty good that you can pick C for every answer and still pass.

Remember, folks: Stupid children become stupid adults.

29 May, 2002

Hurrah for Bush

"Are there blacks in Brazil?"

An amazing quote from our fearless leader, George W. Bush. This one came from Der Spiegel, and I offer what is hopefully a decent translation of the article below. (Translation not my own. Nein sprechen zie Deutsche, baby.)


Okay, we all know Microsoft sucks. But their latest ploy is trying to convince the Department of Defence that open source software is the tool of the devil.

An interesting little piece of mental masturbation, what if Gore were president?

28 May, 2002

A is for apple

So today I learned that dildos are illegal in Texas. Or at least partially illegal. It all seems rather fuzzy and grey legal-wise. But the story is quite amusing.

Also, that George Lucas really needs to chill out and stop trying to "fix" the original Star Wars movies.

Apparently, ALF is still popular. Now, just because your character has been in a couple of dialing-for-dollars ads, doesn't mean the popularity has shot back up. You might want to rein in your enthusiasm before you get carried away.

And finally, Ohio still sucks. And as soon as I get ahold of a URL, I'll let you know why Ohio sucked before. (In case you didn't already think that.)

22 May, 2002


Check out H. J. Res 93 (in PDF format), Proposing an amendment to the Constitution of the United States relating to marriage. The text of the amendment goes a little something like this:

"SECTION 1. Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution or the constitution of any State, nor state or federal law, shall be construed to require that marital status or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon unmarried couples or groups."

As the saying goes, "that's all she wrote." Nice, huh? If you get a chance, contact the Congressional type person of your choice and politely ask them to vote no on this one. The Feminist Majority Foundation has a more detailed article available, which also includes a pre-fab e-mail you can shoot off to your representative.


Zap2it, in a quick note about FOX's Celebrity Boxing 2, referred to Joey Buttafouco as the Long Island Humbert Humbert. I wonder how many people will actually get that reference?

21 May, 2002

Danger Will Robinson!

FBI warning. Gee, thanks guys. While we're at it, let's have people stay alert and vigilant for suspicious people rigging their cars with explosives, to be set off while driving around the Beltway during rush-hour.

Kee-ripes man! Why exactly is the FBI trying to make everyone afraid of their own shadows? Terrorists can be anybody. They can be anywhere. How much longer until video surveillance is set up in every house, apartment and office? How soon until spying on your neighbors becomes your patriotic duty? I know it's trite and cliche, but hello 1984.

20 May, 2002


Mom arrested for nude jumping jacks. Picture of said mom.
Warning: Not for the faint of heart.

TV Crap

Check out FOX's Fall 2002 line-up. For this we're losing Greg the Bunny?

It appears that Buffy: The Animated Series continues to be a reality. Or, at least, a possibility for September 2002. However, no Anthony Stewart Head or Seth Green. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that. Maybe now that Greg the Bunny has been cancelled (BLAH!), old Seth will re-join the Scooby Gang.
Oddly enough, Pazsaz Entertainment Network seems to think that B:TAS premiered in February 2001. You'd think people would've noticed?

17 May, 2002

I called it

Sadly, it looks like I was right. Blah, sons-of-bitches. According to E!Online:

Gone from the schedule are Titus, That '80s Show and Greg the Bunny. Coming back for round two is 24 (exactly how, we'll find out later) and Andy Richter Controls the Universe, which made the cut for a midseason return.

Way to go, FOX. You know what, I think I'll just start watching The Simpsons and Futurama (which is on its last legs, anyways) over the internet. Piss off. What kind of world do we live in where decent shows like GtB get canned, but David E. Kelley continues to vomit his creativity onto our TV screens?

PS: Sign the petition to save Greg the Bunny.

PPS: Send some e-mail to FOX and complain.

16 May, 2002

We're Number 1

Somehow, the DC/Baltimore area was rated #1 for singles by Forbes magazine. How exciting!


I'm not quite sure whether or not this is funny or sad. Most likely a little from column A, and a little from column B.

Today's purchases:

13 May, 2002

And then.... the oral sex

Oprah's lapdog Dr. Phil has some sage advice regarding oral sex:

Define "friend." Children claiming that they are giving oral sex to "friends" need to define "friend." You should make sure your child understands: As Dr. Phil says, a friend is not someone who asks you to stick his penis in your mouth.

I don't know. I've met quite a few people in my life who would consider that a basic tenet of friendship.

07 May, 2002


Interesting memo from the Department of Justice. A little "wartime reorganization of the Department", to quote them. I love how the verbage would indicate that this will be a long-term goal, as if to say maybe the war on terrorism will last for a little while. How convenient.

Social responsibility

This is a hoot and a half right here. It's the first ever McDonald's Social Responsibility Report. How nice of them to package all of their crap into one, easy-to-read report!

To quote:

McDonald's was the first in our industry to provide nutritional information for customers. For many years, we have voluntarily provided nutrition information to help our customers make informed choices when eating at our restaurants. Most recently, in the United States, we raised the bar in our industry by voluntarily adding information about the source of natural flavorings in our core menu items...

Well, god bless you, Mr. Scrooge. Amazing how they voluntarily started adding this information after they were sued for misrepresenting what was in the natural flavorings used in the preparation of their fries. Normally I'm not a big proponent of suing over every little thing. But in this case, I'm just glad that their duplicitous practice was exposed to the world, and that McDonald's had to walk around with a little McEgg on it's McFace.

This, BTW, is exactly why I refuse to eat at McDonald's anymore. And before anyone points out that the fries have been reformulated (there's just something not quite right about eating food that has been reformulated) so that they can now be considered vegetarian, I will just say: So. Fucking. What? That, my friends, is just not good enough for me. I was lied to for years, and I'm not about to accept their oh-so-magnanimous apology now.

Yeah, I eat at Burger King. And Taco Bell. And Subway. Et cetera. At least I know, for the most part, what they are doing. I've worked at two of them (BK and Subway), and while I know they aren't exactly bastions of cruelty-free, vegetarian food, I can deal with their practices. In other words, I know that when I eat a BK Veggie burger, I'm taking my chances because it was cooked on the same broiler as the Whoppers. And you know what? I'm just fine with that. I'm sure there are plenty of vegetarians who will happily eschew me for doing so, but oh well. I don't expect my food to be prepared in a sterile, meat-free environment, unless I happen to be going to a restaurant that advertises this fact.

Make with the funny

For some reason, this Liberty Meadows strip made me laugh like a hyena.

And check Wil Wheaton's eBay auction. You know you want to bid on that!

06 May, 2002


Just finished messing around with MT, trying to get XMLRPC stuff working. Seems to work, so now I'm testing out some blog writing applications. This is BlogApp. Okay so far.

New Harddrive

Finally received my new hard drive today! I ordered a Western Digital 120GB drive from Dell a couple of weeks ago, for the low, low price of $125. Of course, I had to miss work today to sign for my package, but hey, a small price to pay.

Now all I need is 120G worth of stuff to fill it with.

03 May, 2002


Man in monkey suit is mayor. I mean, I know I would vote for the guy in the monkey suit, no matter what his politics might be.


Just moved some stuff around, mainly switching the left and right side. And added the greeting cow. Let me just say it's a real PITA to get everything set up so it looks fairly decent in different browsers. Would be nice if someone would come up with some standards regarding webpages and HTML. Oh wait, someone already did.

02 May, 2002


Folks, I'd like to sing a song
about the american dream.
About me, about you,
about the way our american hearts beat
way down in the bottom of our chests.
About the special feeling we get
in the cockles of our hearts,
maybe below the cockles,
maybe in the subcockle area,
maybe in the liver, maybe in the kidneys.
Maybe even in the colon. We don't know.

01 May, 2002

Greg the Bunny

Greg the BunnyDamnit, why the hell is there no Greg the Bunny tonight? And why do we have to wait until May 20th for the next one?!

What I really hate is that nagging feeling that this is...the start. You know what I'm talking about. The start of FOX fucking over the show. It always begins with something simple, like a "mini-hiatus". Pretty soon, they're moving Gtb to different nights. Next thing you know, poof, it's gone!

Okay, hopefully I'm just being paranoid, and nothing will happen. But given FOX's track record, I just can't keep my hopes up.

To live and die in dixie

Confederate group wins appeal over license plate
Scary thing is, I could probab joing this fine organization. I'd say the odds are pretty much spot-on that at least one person on my mother's side of the family fought for the Confederacy.

Hey There

Welcome. Wilkommen. Bienvenidos. Salve.
(Yeah, I'm sure I mispelled one of those. Someone will certainly let me know.)

It looks like I've decided to join the Dork Ages and start doing my own blog. Exciting, ain't it?

It could be worse, I could be trying to be a camwhore. However, that would never work because: 1) I ain't pretty enough and 2) the webcam would either show my living room or me watching Buffy, Simpsons, Greg the Bunny, etc. How could I ever hope to attract suckers viewers to spend money on me with that?!

But anyhoo, I figure this will be a nice way to spread all of those annoying links and pictures I find during the day to everybody. All five of you! So, like, check back often. Feel free to leave some comments.

<Coffee Talk>Give us a call. We'll talk. No big woop.</Coffee Talk>