29 July, 2002

The Existential Simpsons

Okay, sometimes I scare even myself!

I'm sitting here, reading Sartre's Existentialism and Human Emotions (in particular, The Hole). Pretty much for fun. (This isn't the scary part, though). What's scary is the amazing similarity I found between these two quotes. First, Sartre:

If I eat a pink cake, the taste of it is pink; the light sugary perfume, the oiliness of the butter cream are the pink. Thus I eat the pink as I see the sugary.

Now, an exchange between Homer and Lisa in The Simpsons:

Homer: Donut?
Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?
Homer: [offers some of the donut he's eating] This has purple stuffinside. Purple is a fruit.

I admit, this isn't going to win me the Nobel prize. But damn, that is just such an odd coincidence. And I really wouldn't put it past the writers on The Simpsons to try and throw something like that into the show.

25 July, 2002

Fatty Boombalatty

Man sues fast food companies.

The lead plaintiff, 56-year-old maintenance supervisor Caesar Barber, ate at fast-food restaurants four or five times a week and blames his fatty diet for his obesity, diabetes, high blood pressure and cholesterol and the two heart attacks he has suffered.

"I trace it all back to the high fat, grease and salt, all back to McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King - there was no fast food I didn't eat, and I ate it more often than not because I was single, it was quick and I'm not a very good cook," Barber said in an interview with Foxnews.com.

Seriously, this shit has gotten way out of hand. These frivolous lawsuits need to stop, and they need to stop now. Stop blaming everyone else for your lack of self-control. Is eating at fast-food restaurant four times a week making you fat? Then stop eating there! Get off your lazy ass and make your lunch at home. Too tired? Too fucking bad. When I get home, I'm tired. But I attempt to get some exercise in, make some dinner and then make my lunch for the next day. It's healthy, more economical than eating out all the time, and plus, it just feels good to cook. (Yeah, I know, I'm probably in a minority on that last one).

At least with suits against tobacco producers, there is a legitimate cause: nicotine is addictive. Really, really fucking addictive. As well, cigarettes just aren't good for you, but for years, the tobacco execs attempted to cover up this useful piece of knowledge. For the most part, anyone with a half-a-brain knows that when walking into McDonald's or Burger King, they're not exactly entering a health-food mecca. They serve fatty meats, covered with cheese and mayonnaise, and top it off with a serving of fried potatoes. And if you haven't noticed, they include a handy chart at just about every restaurant that says: these are all the bad things in our food, you've been warned.

For the most part, Subway is the only quick-serve restaurant that makes any general claims in regards to serving healthy food. And even those are for a limited selection of their menu. If you order the steak-and-cheese or meatball subs, you're (quite obviously) not getting one of the healthy ones. Burger King now offers a veggie burger in America (they've had one in Britain for quite a while). And hey, it certainly is a bit healthier for you than a regular hamburger or Whopper Junior. (Note to vegetarians: The veggie burger itself is vegetarian. It is, however, cooked in the same broiler that the meat is cooked in. Just remember that next time you order one.)

So, basically, stop pretending like you didn't know that fast-food is bad for you. Don't act like it's addictive. Unless every fast-food company is putting chemical ELP (that's Eat Like a Pig, if you didn't know) in their food, odds are you're only eating the chemicals placed in there by "the farmers" who produced the food in the first place. If there is an addiction, it's the general public's addiction to sitting on their lazy asses and not wanting to actually work for what they get. Think about this the next time you decide to just "pop over" to Taco Bell and order a couple of burritos, a taco and a gordita (with a Diet Pepsi, if you please). Or better yet, why not just go to grocery store on the way home, and pick up some pasta for lunch tomorrow.

24 July, 2002

A Bittersweet Ending

Possibly one of the most interesting, and yummy, ways to die.

[And forgive the pun at the top. If you don't like it, and you're cute, you may go ahead and flog me.]

Keep the Tip

There are times that I'm glad my circumcision was done before I was able to form any memories. (Not that my ability to form memories is all that hot right now.)

But the Turkish operation -- while yielding to tradition -- was a strictly medical procedure with a local anaesthetic being applied before the foreskin was removed with a sort of soldering- iron gun that cuts through the flesh and seals the wound behind it at the same time.

All I can ask for in this report is that they come up with a more medical-sounding word than soldering-iron for the tool they used. Yeah, something like a soldering-iron would be the best implement for the procedure, because it will cauterize the wound as it's being made. But you know, I just think of actual solder and putting chips into a circuit board when I hear soldering-iron. And I just can't imagine having an old 8088 CPU imbedded into my penis, held on with now-solidified metal. As kinky as it might be, and as pleasurable as it might be for her.

23 July, 2002

More Corporate Assclowns

A couple of Congressmen are working on a new bill that will allow music labels and movie studios to "hack" your computer.

Sponsored by Reps. Howard Berman, D-Calif., and Howard Coble, R-N.C., the measure would permit copyright holders to perform nearly unchecked electronic hacking if they have a "reasonable basis" to believe that piracy is taking place. Berman and Coble plan to introduce the 10-page bill this week.

When I first heard about the possiblity of people from the MPAA and RIAA trying to hack into peoples' boxes, I had no real problem with it. Alls fair in love and war. More importantly, it means that they are playing "the game" with the rest of us. Instead of running home to cry to mommy (or, in this case, the courts), they decided to play with the big boys and fight back. It promotes a rather demented sense of community, and more importantly, it keeps the people downloading the pirated music and movies on their toes. It sends out a message: "There is no such thing as a free lunch."

More importantly, if you're not willing to spend some time fortifying your computer against such attacks, you get what you deserve. The internet isn't some happy, sunshine world where nothing bad happens. I don't think crackers/hackers/phreakers/whatever should have free reign over the cyber-world, but damnit, you wouldn't leave your house unlocked and the windows open while you went to work, why are you doing the same thing with your computer everyday?

But what really pisses me off about this is that the bill in question would pretty much leave the corporations immune from any retaliation by the user in question. And that's a load of shit. You attack me, I will attack you. I mean, how would you feel if a police officer attacked you, and you were unable to fight back, because the law is on their side? Where would the justice be in that?

22 July, 2002

Phat Cash

You'd think making a salary of $0/year would leave you rather destitute. Guess again! You can do quite well with your $105,000,000 annual compensation.

And I don't even have a fucking 401(k).

BHG

To quote the Bloodhound Gang:

Lift your head up high and blow your brains out

Do you still go to raves?
Do you think that Christ saves?
Do you spend your days in a Purple Haze?
Do you contemplate what a grape nut is?
Or could you live drinkin' your own whiz?
Are you hooked on a feeling are you hooked on gin-n-tonics?
Are you hooked on fistin are you hooked on phonics?
Did you ever have sex with a box of Kleenex?
Did you like the movie Malcolm X?
Or do you own a record by Stryper?
Do you have a mongoloid cousin wearin' diapers?
Were you born and raised in New Jersey?
Did you like the taste of Crystal Pepsi?
Are you deaf?
Well if you are you can't hear me
But what's the use of living if your ear's be?
Broken even if I spoke clearly
You're still not able to hear me
Cause life is a game that no one wins
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin'
So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit
No take that towel and hang yourself with it
Life's short and hard like a body-building elf
So save the planet and kill yourself
If you're feeling down-and-out with what your life's all about
Lift your head up and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out

Does your girlfriend look like the chick from M*A*S*H?
Dead ringer for Klinger with a thicker mustache?
When you're at a get-together does everybody always ask?
Ain't no Halloween party why's she wearin' that mask?
Does she got more Chins than the Chinese phone book?
Would you rather make out with a rusty fish hook?
Does she stick to linoleum when she squats?
Does she look pregnant although she's not?
Did you first see your boyfriend on Cops?
Or at a Star Trek convention or on top?
Of your best friend or maybe at Wendy's?
Workin' third shift late New Years' Eve?
Does he live under a bridge scare kids and kill squirrels?
Does he do kegstands until he hurls?
Could a blind man mistake his complexion for Braille
Does he have time to sit around and wait for the mail
Life is a game that no one wins
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin'
So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit
No take that towel and hang yourself with it
Life's short and hard like a body-building elf
So save the planet and kill yourself
If you're feeling down-and-out with what your life's all about
Lift your head up and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out

So take your life instead of taking it for granted
I'm thinking you should can it I think I'll help you plan it
Live today like it's gonna be your last
Hang out blow your mind have yourself a gas
I hope you take this the wrong way
And misinterpret what I say
Rewind and let me reverse
Backwards like Judas Preist first did

Cause life is a game that no one wins
But you deserve a headstart the way your life's goin'
So throw in the towel cause your life ain't shit
No take that towel and hang yourself with it
Life's short and hard like a body-building elf
So save the planet and kill yourself
If you're feeling down-and-out with what your life's all about
Lift your head up and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out
Lift your head up high and blow your brains out

Two sides

Two sides to every story. The yin and yang. Male and female.
Old and busted vs. new hotness.

Etc etc. You get the picture.

19 July, 2002

Piracy

In April, the entertainment executives replied, saying they would cooperate if the technology industry reign in what's called "peer-to-peer" - or P-to-P - practices.

And so goes the meddling little battle between the entertainment and technology industries over the issue of piracy. Of course, what this article fails to address is:

  • There's more to online piracy than PtP networking. Yeah, PtP is definitely the easiest to handle. Fire up your client, search for a file, and start downloading. But quite frankly, I have better luck going through usenet.
  • How, exactly, is the "technology industry" supposed to reign in PtP networking? No matter how hard they try, companies like Apple and Microsoft will never be able to fully stop people from running the latest and greatest PtP clients. More importantly, these programs are written by individuals, who are not under the control of the big companies. These people will keep doing their thing, without any regard for what the MPAA, RIAA, Microsoft or whoever want

The issue isn't so much putting a curb on PtP applications, but fixing the culture that lets people justify using them to pirate the latest CD or DVD. $9 for a movie ticket? $18 for a new CD? $30, $40, $50 for a new DVD? Is it any wonder people would rather just steal the data than pay for it?

I'd love to believe that these items cost so much because hard working artists are making the proverbial fat cash from their sales, but the sad truth is that they're not. And it's not the stores selling the media, although they certainly aren't hurting for money. So this pretty much leaves the entertainment industry itself. For the most part, it's pure avarice that keeps the prices up. I can buy a blank, recordable CD for approximately $.10. A CD producer, with it's ability to buy in staggeringly huge quantities, should be able to do way better than this. So where is the remaining $17.90 (or more) going?

Now, I'm not going to be naive and say that lowering the prices will stop all piracy. There will always be piracy. It's human nature that a certain percentage of the population is going to do the least amount of work to get something. [Hell, your average CEO does the least amount of actual, physical work and he makes a killing!] It's like adding a new variable to the old demand vs. price curve. In this case, demand goes down while price and piracy steadily go up. Is it really worth it for the entertainment industry to pick a price point with such low demand and high piracy, considering the external cost of fighting piracy?

17 July, 2002

I Hate People

Okay, I've got another real rant in progress about how much TV sucks. However, I got distracted by This story. Have I mentioned exactly how much people suck?

16 July, 2002

Scary

For some reason, this just scares me....a lot:

Now we know why they call him Super Mario.

15 July, 2002

Pop Culture

Trying to catch up on 80s pop culture? Why not learn something about Knight Rider?

It includes an amusing deconstruction of the car as a penis. Also, the author brings up an important question: Why did KITT have a British accent, when he's a Pontiac Trans Am?

11 July, 2002

XXL

So is it really shyness that's preventing these nice Brits from buying the XXL condoms?

Oh sure, it could definitely be modesty. Because really, most guys don't want to go around, bragging about their big penis. That's just not how the male mind works.

I'll pause so you can get the laughter out of your system.

In all honesty, going to the chemist or the supermarket and picking up a box of Magnums is an easy way to send out a message to all that are around you: My dick is big. Look, it's so big, I need to buy special condoms to accomodate it's size. Any questions?

And hey, if your dick is big, and you do need the Hefty bags, more power to you. Just stop being a jerk. You say you're not a jerk? Thing again, Mr. Jerky McJerkerson.

Where was I? Oh yeah.

So there really is no reason for a guy to feel shy about buying the larger condoms (outside of the general anxiety many guys feel about buying condoms of any size). He just better hope, for the sake of his ego, as well as his partner, he can make full use of them.

The Bible


Ned Flanders"Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people! I don't drink or dance or swear! I've even kept kosher, just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says; even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do?"

09 July, 2002

Help Me Out Here

According to the nice people at Coca-Cola, caffeine is not addictive.

Hrm. Okay, work with me on this one people. I'm thinking of a story from a few years back. It might be somewhat obscure, but I'm sure someone out there knows what I'm thinking of.

This one also involved a large, multi-national corporation. This corporation also came out on the side that their major product (ooooh, what was it?) was not addictive. They even commissioned "studies" to prove their point. Was it General Mills referring to Lucky Charms? Nah, that doesn't sound right. McDonald's and the Big Mac? Possibly, but still not quite it.

Help me out here, folks. I do remember, though, this corporation got spanked for their lies. Although definitely not spanked enough, because they're still in business. If you have any ideas, please let me know!

Conspiracies Abound Tonight

Some people look too hard for conspiracies.

Dance Dance

Life imitates art, this time with Janet Reno hosting a dance party.

I must admit, I was nearly rolling with laughter the night I watched Reno make a guest appearance on Saturday Night Live. It was good to see that she has a real sense of humor about these things, and was willing to come busting in all hey-Kool-aid! style.

08 July, 2002

05 July, 2002

A Fool and His Money

Someone on eBay paid $16 for a can of Canadian Air.

Canadian air.

In a can.

That's really all there is I can say about that one.

02 July, 2002

Toilet Humor

What a sad, sad world we live in, when this goes up for bid on eBay.