31 August, 2002

Dude, Who Grabbed My Ass?

So yesterday was my birthday. Happy birthday to me.

How did I celebrate my birthday, you ask. Well, for starters, I took the day off from work. No way was I dealing with co-workers on my birthday. I wanted to be as happy as possible.

In the interest of being purely selfish, I went to Caffeine, bought a mocha and spent too much money on used CDs.

  • Spacemonkeys vs. Gorillaz - Laika Come Home
  • bt - ima
  • Django Reinhardt - Django Reinhardt
  • Fatboy Slim - Live on Brighton Beach
  • Deejay Punk Roc - Anarchy in the USA
  • Propellerheads - Decksandrumsandrockandroll

Then, off to Tarzhay, where I bought absolutely boring things like a shirt, some pants, fabric softener, mouth wash, etc. I considered picking up some Crest White Strips, since I've heard such good things about them, but at $42, I just didn't want to make that kind of commitment. As I noted later on, at least I didn't buy socks. Buying socks on your birthday is a sign that you've gotten way too old.

I returned home, planning to waste time until I met my friends for dinner. Luckily, Jen got off work early, so we decided to meet at the International Spy Museum and see what it had to offer. So I loaded up my bag of tricks, drove to the Metro, and headed into beautiful downtown Washington, DC.

Sadly, the line for the Spy Museum was about 45 minutes long. Preposterous, I say. It's a beautiful Friday afternoon. Don't you people have better things to be doing?
Apparently not.

Dismayed by the long wait, Jen and I headed to her place to wait for the rest of the crew to show up for dinner. We ended up watching Sister Act 2, with the very young Lauryn Hill and Jennifer Love Hewitt (sans her extremely nice breasts..but oh well.)

Finally, people started showing up. Too many people, in fact. Shoo! people. We have to go eat now. Through the amazing (and lead-footed) driving skills of Gary, we did make it to the Melting Pot in time for our 8 o'clock reservations. To learn about the remainder of the evening, click the MORE link. However, if you're of any relation to me, a minor, or just generally a prude...please don't!

30 August, 2002

They'll Never Take Our Freedom

So, a recent poll found that more and more Americans feel the First Amendment provides too much freedom.

Wait a minute. Too much freedom? That's the sort of idea that really takes a lot of work to wrap your brain around.

Really, I know I hate being able to say what I want about the government. Question the president? Preposterous. Practice whatever religion I want to? Heaven forfend! Read a book of my choice? Wouldn't it just be easier if the state made a list of approved reading material?

You'll have to forgive me, but I fail to see a need to scrap a constitution that's over 200 years old because of one attack against our country. I find it rather ironic that the same sort of people who railed against communist Russia (and other Eastern Bloc countries) for their oppressive regimes are now asking for exactly that in our country. Once you gut the first amendment, there's nine more waiting to be skewered. Who really needs a Bill of Rights, anyways?

Freedom and security don't necessarily have to be mutually exclusive ideas.

29 August, 2002

Don't Get a Big Head

What is that, like a size 13 head?

Choose Your Names Carefully

Oddly, Zyklon just isn't a good name for a shoe. Or just about anything. However:

Umbro said the Zyklon name, which was chosen by a designer in the firm's footwear department, had been on the side of boxes for the trainer since its launch in 1999, but does not appear on the shoe itself.

They've been using this name for three years now, and no one has noticed until just recently?

28 August, 2002

I Could Set the Building on Fire

And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and its not okay because if they take my stapler then ill set the building on fire


Grim JimSo many Garbage Pail Kids, and this is the only one I found with my name.

27 August, 2002

Something (else) New

gatlouca: hey, what are we doing friday night? i'm thinking of dinner, a bar, and then a strip club.
JGumby314: is this my birthday gift? or just a random drinking and strip club trip?
JGumby314: either way, i'm up for it.
gatlouca: your birthday.
JGumby314: whoo-hoo!
JGumby314: you're the greatest friend ever!
gatlouca: i'll even give you a few bucks for the strippers.

Something New

gatlouca: put something new on your blog.


26 August, 2002


Neville died of ennui
N is for Neville, who died of ennui

The Fact

The fact about Sajjad Ali.



A cure for AIDS. Better treatments for cancer. Keeping kids off tobacco. Helping drug addicts rejoin society. Finding a solution for the Middle East.

All of this pales in comparison to the work done by scientists and engineers at French's, who have developed a new mustard bottle with a cap that does not crust over with dried mustard.

I salute you, oh noble visionaries. Never again will I suffer the heartbreak of squeezing my mustard bottle, and watching that little dried mustard scab fall onto my hot dog. Truly, you are kings among men.

I Want a New Drug

Shocking that major pharmaceutical companies are trying to block states' efforts to lower Medicaid costs by making doctors prescribe generic and lower-priced brand-name drugs.

The industry, represented by the Pharmaceutical Researchers and Manufacturers of America (PhRMA), argues that medications that appear the same may affect patients differently. The state programs, PhRMA says, illegally restrict care for the poor by creating barriers to the most expensive drugs.

Hey, dumbass! Guess what? The major barrier between poor people and expensive drugs is, well, money!

Considering how woefully bloated state budgets are nowadays, why don't we let them do what they can to save some money? At least they're not cutting Medicaid completely. The people who need the service are still able to receive the medical care they need, just without lining some pharm execs pockets.

Or wait. Could that be their real problem?

24 August, 2002

Secret Court

Secret federal court tells Ashcroft to stop abusing powers.



S & M

Buffy the Vampire Slayer gets mentioned in a report from the Christian Science Monitor. Go Buffster!

23 August, 2002

Jaguar. Rowr!

Apple to release live jaguars in conjunction with release of Jaguar.

Responding to criticism from Macintosh users and consumer safety groups, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said "Boy, you people just complain about everything, don't you. '.Mac costs too much!' 'Jaguar costs too much!' 'I'm a-scared of live jaguars!'"

Jobs downplayed the danger involved in releasing jaguars in malls across the nation and denied it would be akin to setting up a giant buffet for the animals.

"Don't be a bunch of sissies!" Jobs said. "A maharishi in India taught me how to wrestle them years ago. Or maybe it was my spirit guide in the Brazilian rainforest... Well, whatever. It's easy!"

"The secret," Jobs explained slowly, "is to not let them bite you. OK?"

"Oh, and watch out for the claws, too. They're like razors. Rowr! Ha-ha!"


Hey guys, don't forget that my birthday is coming up:

A Gift of Trust

It's the gift that keeps on giving!


The Greatest Evil...Crossdresser
Find out what Cartoon villan you are.

Fly Me to the Moon

A lunar nuclear waste repository. The general idea is that spent nuclear fuel will be loaded into ICBMs and shot out to the moon. It all goes to one specific area of the moon, which will be deemed contaminated, but since there's no atmosphere or water, there's nothing much to worry about.

My question is: If it's already being loaded up into rockets and shot out of the atmosphere, why not aim it at the fucking sun?! I mean, come on. We're never setting foot on the sun. And basically, everything that gets sent out will most likely just be used as fuel by the star. I mean, is there something painfully obvious that I'm missing? Sure, it'll be a longer journey for the spent fuel, but who the fuck cares? Additionally, once you get the rocket (or whatever assembly is actually used after leaving the atmosphere) going towards the sun, there's not much chance of it going elsewhere.

22 August, 2002

Glad I'm Not the Only One

According to a USA Today survey, not everyone wants to spend the upcoming 11 September anniversary dwelling on what happened last year.

I personally plan on staying as far away from the television and newspapers as humanly possible.


Results from the Parents Television Council's annual best & worst shows of the year.

Of the twenty shows listed, I actually like two of them (Buffy and That 70's Show). Two more are tolerable in small doses (Bernie Mac and Boston Public).

The rest, however, are most definitely shit. I mean, c'mon, there are two shows from PAX. (You can't spell eXtreme crAP without P-A-X.) (Yeah, I was reaching for that one.) Baby Bob?! What the fuck? Does middle America need to give me more reasons to hate it?

How about we have Hollywood focus on producing more shows with witty, intelligent writing and actual, interesting plots? Oh, wait, this is Hollywood we're talking about.


Who would've thought immortality would be this easy?

21 August, 2002


Milla Jovovich


How many sides does a story actually have?


Darn those pesky French. How dare they produce a movie in tribute to September 11th that actually contains anti-U.S. segments? Mon dieu!

You mean that there are actually people in this world who do not see America is the shining beacon of hope and light that it thinks it is? That maybe there are other opinions of global affairs besides America's? Let me just say I am shocked and astounded to hear this!

Water, Water Everywhere...

...and soon the corporations will decide whether you get to drink.

Faced with the suddenly well-documented freshwater crisis, governments and international institutions are advocating a Washington Consensus solution: the privatization and commodification of water. Price water, they say in chorus; put it up for sale and let the market determine its future. For them, the debate is closed. Water, say the World Bank and the United Nations, is a "human need," not a "human right." These are not semantics; the difference in interpretation is crucial. A human need can be supplied many ways, especially for those with money. No one can sell a human right.

Hell, why not? I mean, there are already millions of people out there who can not afford food, clothing or shelter. Why not add potable water to that list? This is like some bizarre form of financial darwinism. The poor obviously aren't "fit" enough, so they must be removed from the gene pool.

I don't know. I suppose privatization of freshwater makes a certain amount of sense. On Bizarro world, at least. Water is the basic necessity of human life. To give a handful of companies control over this is basically surrendering ourselves over to them. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to living under the yoke of HyperMegaGlobalNetworks, Inc.

Saint Peter don't you call me 'cause I can't go
I owe my soul to the company store
     Sixteen Tons, by Tennessee Ernie Ford

As far as I'm concerned, privatization is pretty much the cue for world-wide revolution. Hopefully, the constant, nagging thirst in the back of the throats of a couple of billion people will incite a little mayhem in this world. And it won't be too hard to figure out who will be the first against the wall when it happens.

20 August, 2002

Neither Rain, Nor Snow

The U.S. Postal Service is slow. Hahahaha. That's a joke that just doesn't get overused.

In Soviet Russia, mail delivers you!


Which Neopet are you?If I were a Neopet... I'd be a Grundo!

After centuries of imprisonment by the evil Dr. Sloth, who transformed them into hideous servants, the Grundos have returned to Neopia.

Grundos are naturally friendly, and try sometimes too hard to be cool.

They will eat almost anything.

Which Neopet are you? Click here to find out!

To be perfectly honest, I'm not quite sure what a Neopet is. But I followed the link on this site, and here I am. A Grundo.


Irony can be pretty ironic.

Pin-up Girl

DitaI must admit, I do love a nice picture of a pin-up girl. So much less...vulgar than your average porn. Sometimes, you really don't want to be on the viewing end of a gynecological exam.

So go, check out Dita.


19 August, 2002


Dear Gateway:

Please stop biting off Apple.


Wake Up...

...and smell the coffee.

Go get your ten-billionth burger, America. Fatten your already fat asses with bacteria-and-hormone-ridden meat and do nothing as you sit stupefied before your mind-numbing television sets awaiting the next episode of sad families being humiliated on "Cops."

The Big House

Suburban white kids learn that jail really isn't a pretty place. Community shocked.

"It was traumatic," said a tearful Ratliff on Sunday morning after her parents drove from Stafford to pay her $300 bail at the downtown city jail. "It was sick where they were holding us. A prostitute was fighting with another woman. The food they served was food you would serve to a dog, not a human."

The big question is, will they learn anything from this experience, besides "poor people are icky"?


Boilermaker"Man, being reasonable, must get drunk."

— Lord Byron


Click & Clack, the Tappet Brothers, provide some useful rules for civil driving. Check them out.

16 August, 2002

15 August, 2002

The American Way

Dr. EvilAnd then we'll sue them for...
116 TRILLION dollars!




13 August, 2002

Life Imitates the Simpsons

Willy the Scotsman
Ach, let's see what's on upkilt.com.

I've Got Big Balls

But they've got the biggest...balls of them all.

Sorry for the AC/DC misquote, but it seemed appropriate.

Because the nice people at Enron are back in the news. Seems some of those executives, who walked out with millions of dollars in stock, salary and bonuses, need a little more.

Keith Dodson, a former executive in Enron's engineering and construction subsidiary, wants $210,000. Dodson received $319,941 in the 12 months before Enron's collapse.
Charles Garland, a former managing director, is asking for $892,000. He received $1.6 million before Enron's demise.
John Sherriff, the former president of Enron's European operations, asked for $1.65 million. He received $4.3 million in pay and stock before the collapse.

Oh, how times must be tough for these people. Really, how does anyone expect a man to live on a mere $4.3 million?

12 August, 2002

Can't Buy Me Love

Looks like some things on those home shopping networks just aren't for sale.

Live Vicariously

You can bet the father in this story is already planning his retirement.

I already think golf is a big enough waste of time. Hitting a little ball with a big stick over several hundred yards of land. Wow. Be still my beating heart. And not to mention the general waste of land and questionable policies that go hand-in-hand with golf courses.

But to subject your five year-old child to such a regimented activity is asinine. Let the kid run around and play with his friends. Sports are great for teaching teamwork and having fun, but not when they are the only thing in your child's life. I don't know about you, but when I was five, I can't imagine having any patience for learning the game of golf. Hell, any game for that matter. Usually, my friends and I would end up playing modified versions of different sports, with a lot of the minutiae overlooked. And damnit, we had fun.

09 August, 2002

07 August, 2002

Robbing the Cradle

Those tireless heroes of society, Hollywood celebrities, are once again at the forefront of a major social struggle: older women dating younger men.

No real commentary, though. I mean, I'm definitely all for it. I fully support dating whatever type of person you want. Same sex or opposite. Older or younger. Black, white, yellow, red, purple with polka-dots. Go crazy. Just as long as everyone is a consenting adult and playing by the same rules.

06 August, 2002

Representin', yo!

Have you ever wondered what it is I do all day? Well, let me tell you, I represent:

Web Support Crew

Yeah that's right. Down here at the DOJ, we're keepin' it real! We're keepin' it old skool!

Shout out to my man Scott for making the image. Good thing we don't have any real work to do all day!


There has been a veritable freshet of frivolous, potential Constitutional Amendments lately. Alright, maybe there are a lot every year, and I'm just not noticing them.

Specifically, though, I'm thinking of such recent ideas as protecting marriage (which I ranted about here), and this new one, protecting the pledge of allegiance and national motto. Presumably the latter is protection from those godless heathens in this country who have their knickers in a bunch about being told to trust god. Heavens to mergatroid! You mean we might have to run this country as an actual republic, that was (presumably) designed to exercise the will of the majority, while not completely trampling the rights of the minority? Say it ain't so!

I'm not trying to say that the Constitution is a sacred document, meant to be revered, left unchanged, and always unchallenged. But damnit, if every little political faction with a burr up its butt got the Amendment they've been pining for added, who knows what kind of useless crap we'd find in there. And just because it seems like the right thing to do at the time, it doesn't mean it will stand the test of time.

I think it annoys me more that these groups look at amending the Constitution as not only the ultimate solution to their problem, but the only solution. It's like the guy who gets a parking ticket claiming he will fight it all the way to the Supreme Court. It's great to live in a country where, yeah, potentially this could happen. But in reality, taking every nit-picky little complaint straight to the top just isn't going to help anyone out except the person who had the complaint in the first place.

04 August, 2002

02 August, 2002


Take the Silicon Challenge. Why can't all tests be this much fun?

Oh yeah, completely not safe for work.