31 March, 2003
I am here today to tell you about the most amazing product you will ever see, ladles and gentlemints! I bring to you today the miracle that is...the Crystal Clear Electron Water/Air Machine™
But what does this wonder of the technological age do?!
What doesn't it do?
- Cures scours
- Heals potentially fatal pathologies of the cell
- Puts an end to the humdrum experience of paralysis
- Burns off unsightly fat
- Promotes the growth of agricultural products, like corn
And much, much more!
Let's listen to the testimony of R.G. from California: "A problem I had for 12 months stopped immediately!"
What was the problem? Too much money in their wallet?
Ha ha. Go away kid, you bother me.
Normally, I would give you a link to the stupid webpage I found, but I'll be damned if I'm going to give these people any credit, or any hits. If you're really interested, you can search Google...I'm sure it will show up.
P.S. Any one who actually buys into this stupid piece of crap product, and would even, for the merest microsecond, consider buying it, is a fucking moron. If you are that person, do the world a favor, and shoot yourself. Now. Guns are cheap and plentiful. You are an idiot. It's an easy equation, and you don't even need the arithmetic properties of oxygenated, high-memory water to help you figure it out.
28 March, 2003
27 March, 2003
26 March, 2003
Phew. I was worried for a while that I wouldn't get to see one of my best friends, the Microsoft Monopoly, again! Luckily for me, it's coming back.
Obviously, this alone doesn't scream monopolistic practice. I mean, there's no particular law against Microsoft wanting to have a strict standards program, to give consumers the best possible computing experience...
Hoo hoo hee. Sorry, but marketing bullshit and buzzwords make me laugh. I could never be in sales. Anyways...
Inherently, there's nothing particularly wrong with it. As long as you don't do something stupid like make it impossible for non-certified applications to run on your OS. Or, say, make it impossible for retailers to sell these non-certified products.
My question is: Why would someone like Office Depot specifically limit the number of items it can sell? Don't they understand that those other products create a profit? Why intentionally shoot yourself in the foot? Is Office Depot really making that much money each quarter, they can happily forsake more sources of revenue?
Okay, more than one question. But you get what I'm saying, I hope.
Thanks to Heath for the article.
24 March, 2003
I'm actually kinda surprised at this:
You are 60% geek
You are a geek. Good for you! Considering the endless complexity of the universe, as well as whatever discipline you happen to be most interested in, you'll never be bored as long as you have a good book store, a net connection, and thousands of dollars worth of expensive equipment. Assuming you're a technical geek, you'll be able to afford it, too. If you're not a technical geek, you're geek enough to mate with a technical geek and thereby get the needed dough. Dating tip: Don't date a geek of the same persuasion as you. You'll constantly try to out-geek the other.
I have an officemate who is a goddamned genius. I mean, full out genius. You ask him about anything, he knows the score.
Mating rituals of the zebra?
Yes, yes and yes! Anything. You should all be so lucky as to work with a motherfucking genius like I do.
23 March, 2003
Studio: 20th Century Fox TV, Original TV
Production Team: Jon Feldman ("American Dreams"), Rob Cohen ("XXX" ), Neal H. Moritz ("XXX," "Greg the Bunny"), Marty Adelstein, Dawn Parouse
Premise: A young woman discovers she has the ability to go back in time for 24 hours at a stretch and save people's lives.
Stars: Eliza Dushku ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer"), Shawn Reaves ("Auto Focus" )
Status: Pilot order
21 March, 2003
20 March, 2003
Get yourself some Security Alert Soap:
Five Bar Soap Set
Each bar has these words inside and the corresponding colors.
Blue - Low (Low Lavender)
Green - Guarded (Guarded Green tea)
Yellow - Elevated (Elevated Eucalyptus)
Orange - High (High Hazelnut)
Red - Severe (Severe Sage)
The Senate finally grows a pair. I'm somewhat impressed.
Or how about something kooky like raising the CAFE standards? And bringing the standards for SUVs in line with other cars? Naaaaaah. Much easier to just start drilling holes. Like these guys:
19 March, 2003
Sometimes, it's all a matter of perspective. Take, for instance, the case of James Kopp, who was found guilty of murdering Barnett Slepian, a doctor who performed abortions. In his defense:
Oh, well! He only meant to wound the good doctor. In that case, let the man go.
I'm sure that Saddam Hussein only meant to wound the people he gassed. I'm sure the American military only meant to wound the Vietnamese with napalm. I'm sure Gavrilo Princip only meant to wound Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
I mean, really, what's a little wounding? I often start shooting at my friends, but we all know I'm just trying to wound them, so there are no hard feelings.
Kripes. This ranks right up there with the fucking Twinkie defense.
18 March, 2003
According to our friends at the BBC:
Oh, well. Isn't that nice. Feverishly working to start this damn war, and yet not willing to help out.
17 March, 2003
Truly, the federal government is a fascinating creature.
14 March, 2003
Quote of the day, from an article about the Raging Cow blog brouhaha:
Translation: Kids aren't as stupid as we thought.
Ah, nothing like the fair, balanced and unbiased reporting of FoxNews. From an article about protests in DC against a war with Iraq:
Yep. Even-handed reporting at its finest.
I also question the veracity of this:
Not because of how Americans think about the situation. Because it implies that Ari actually said something.
13 March, 2003
As if replacing the word "french" with "freedom" wasn't enough, those wacky kids in Congress are at it again! What could be as important as freedom fries, you ask?
No, silly! We need to exhume the bodies of the thousands of men and women who died during the World Wars, which are now rotting in the fetid soil known as France! With all those soldiers spinning in their graves, it might be hard to move the coffins.
But let's see what a bona fide veteran has to say about this:
"That is ridiculous," the Navy veteran said. "I can tell you right now that I don't approve of it at all. We've had problems with the French before, but it's like a spat; you get over it. It would be ridiculous to open those graves."
Amen, sir. Amen.
Dear Florida: Please remove yourself from our country. Thanks!
Delma Banks was this close to getting the "I was the 300th person to be executed by the state of Texas since the death penalty was reinstated in 1983, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt. But oh well, I guess a stay of execution will have to suffice.
12 March, 2003
Why stop with freedom fries?
- Freedom toast
- Freedom kissing
- Freedom ticklers
- Freedom dressing
- Freedom's Yellow Mustard™
- Freedom onion soup
- Samuel Freedom Theatre and Film Bookshops
- Tour de Freedom
- "Pardon my freedom"
- Freedom wine
We can start calling croissants victory bread, and berets can be...well, we can just get rid of them altogether.
While we're at it, let's get rid of potato chips and the Statue of Liberty, two things France actually did give us!
11 March, 2003
With everything going on the world, I'm glad to see that some members of Congress have changed the name of french fries to "freedom fries" in the House cafeteria.
Sweet fancy moses. What a bunch of stupid motherfuckers. I really wish I lived in their state so I could drum up support against them ever being re-elected.
I'm so glad to see that the system works.
06 March, 2003
(I have more elaborate thoughts about the situation, mostly along the lines of the futility of Hollywood's stars orally gratifying each other while our troops are out fighting in some godforsaken desert, but I think 'phew' sums them up perfectly)
Just not at Crossgates Mall in Guilderland, NY.
The guards called police, and he was charged with trespassing and pleaded innocent.
Damn, dirty hippies and their message of love and peace!
05 March, 2003
Well, blogs have now been co-opted by Madison Avenue. According to MSNBC, Dr. Pepper has started a blog to help advertise their new extreme milk product. I guess they're under the impression that people will see the blog, and assume some average Joe or Jane is really into this product, and has nothing better to do than shill for it for free.
So I guess this means blogs won't be cool anymore? Whatever will the tragically hip (and those of use who can only aspire to such hipness) do now?
UPN has ordered a pilot called "The Mullet Brothers":
And yes, they sport the titular business in front, party in back hairdos.
04 March, 2003
Looks like Michael Savage isn't too happy that various gay and women's groups are protesting his new show on MSNBC.
03 March, 2003
I hate getting e-mail like this:
I haven't heard back from xxxxx xxxxxxx on this. I was just going to ask her about it again, when I realized that the title is no longer in the fancier font. Did something happen to it? Could you maybe try something like the look of the most recent Performance & Accountability Report - fancy font & marble background? http://www.usdoj.gov/ag/annualreports/ar2002/index.html
Ugh. Why why WHY?! "Fancy font & marble background"? What the fuck? It's a goddamned federal report. Do you see a fancy fucking font and background in the printed version? No! Then why the hell should the web version have this? What makes it so special that it must look particularly ugly?