31 March, 2003

Yogi Would Be Envious

Really big basket

The Longaberger office building.

Have Some Water, Kid

I am here today to tell you about the most amazing product you will ever see, ladles and gentlemints! I bring to you today the miracle that is...the Crystal Clear Electron Water/Air Machine™

All rights reserved. Patents pending. Copyrights? Sure we got 'em.

But what does this wonder of the technological age do?!

What doesn't it do?

  • Cures scours
  • Heals potentially fatal pathologies of the cell
  • Puts an end to the humdrum experience of paralysis
  • Burns off unsightly fat
  • Promotes the growth of agricultural products, like corn

And much, much more!

Like what?

Let's listen to the testimony of R.G. from California: "A problem I had for 12 months stopped immediately!"

What was the problem? Too much money in their wallet?

Ha ha. Go away kid, you bother me.


Normally, I would give you a link to the stupid webpage I found, but I'll be damned if I'm going to give these people any credit, or any hits. If you're really interested, you can search Google...I'm sure it will show up.

P.S. Any one who actually buys into this stupid piece of crap product, and would even, for the merest microsecond, consider buying it, is a fucking moron. If you are that person, do the world a favor, and shoot yourself. Now. Guns are cheap and plentiful. You are an idiot. It's an easy equation, and you don't even need the arithmetic properties of oxygenated, high-memory water to help you figure it out.

You Bastards

Comedy Central renews South Park. And there was much rejoicing!

Death

I will be struck down by a meteor!



How will you die? Take the Exotic Cause of Death Test

28 March, 2003

Kinda Deep

So true:
Boondocks for March 28, 2003

More Boondocks

What Have You Done?

Want to feel bad about not accomplishing anything in life? Then check out what others had done by the time they were your age.

26 March, 2003

I Should Really...

...delete some old files. Look what's just taking up space on this server:

kitty

Please Help

Won't you please help the Porn Clown Posse get to DC, so they can protest the war?

[probably NSFW]

Send in the Clones

The proof is in the pudding. Or in this case, the photo. Now why exactly are the Raelians surprised that the rest of the world doesn't believe them, when all they offer are pictures of the "cloned" baby?

Welcome Back

Phew. I was worried for a while that I wouldn't get to see one of my best friends, the Microsoft Monopoly, again! Luckily for me, it's coming back.

Only products that conform to Microsoft's Designed for Windows XP rules and carry its logo will be sold in Office Depot after May this year, the INQUIRER has discovered. (See memo at the foot of this article). These rules apply to both software and hardware products, and suppliers have been given a deadline to either include the Microsoft logo or see their products disappear off the shelves.

Obviously, this alone doesn't scream monopolistic practice. I mean, there's no particular law against Microsoft wanting to have a strict standards program, to give consumers the best possible computing experience...

Hoo hoo hee. Sorry, but marketing bullshit and buzzwords make me laugh. I could never be in sales. Anyways...

Inherently, there's nothing particularly wrong with it. As long as you don't do something stupid like make it impossible for non-certified applications to run on your OS. Or, say, make it impossible for retailers to sell these non-certified products.

Oops.

My question is: Why would someone like Office Depot specifically limit the number of items it can sell? Don't they understand that those other products create a profit? Why intentionally shoot yourself in the foot? Is Office Depot really making that much money each quarter, they can happily forsake more sources of revenue?

Okay, more than one question. But you get what I'm saying, I hope.

Thanks to Heath for the article.

Sickos

After reading this article, I really want to know what the lint roller was for.

On second thought, maybe I don't [NSFW].

24 March, 2003

Test Drive

So today I took this for a test drive. Very nice ride, I must say.

Geek

I'm actually kinda surprised at this:

Pic of Drew Carey
You are 60% geek

You are a geek. Good for you! Considering the endless complexity of the universe, as well as whatever discipline you happen to be most interested in, you'll never be bored as long as you have a good book store, a net connection, and thousands of dollars worth of expensive equipment. Assuming you're a technical geek, you'll be able to afford it, too. If you're not a technical geek, you're geek enough to mate with a technical geek and thereby get the needed dough. Dating tip: Don't date a geek of the same persuasion as you. You'll constantly try to out-geek the other.

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

Genius

I have an officemate who is a goddamned genius. I mean, full out genius. You ask him about anything, he knows the score.

Politics?
Foreign policy?
Photography?
Cars?
Invasive surgery?
Mating rituals of the zebra?

Yes, yes and yes! Anything. You should all be so lucky as to work with a motherfucking genius like I do.

Is It...

Is it possible not to support the war, yet still support our troops?

Quotable (#2)

"The State Department released a list of 30 countries that publicly support the U.S. led war on Iraq. However, the list may be suspect since it includes the Ottoman Empire, Atlantis and the Magic Kingdom." - Bob Hirschfeld

23 March, 2003

Gotta Have Faith

From Zap2it:

Heroine (formerly Untitled Feldman/Cohen project) (Drama)
Studio: 20th Century Fox TV, Original TV
Production Team: Jon Feldman ("American Dreams"), Rob Cohen ("XXX" ), Neal H. Moritz ("XXX," "Greg the Bunny"), Marty Adelstein, Dawn Parouse
Premise: A young woman discovers she has the ability to go back in time for 24 hours at a stretch and save people's lives.
Stars: Eliza Dushku ("Buffy the Vampire Slayer"), Shawn Reaves ("Auto Focus" )
Status: Pilot order

20 March, 2003

Quotable

Regarding Chicago:

It's like Moulin Rouge...only good!

-Frank DeCaro

Good Ol' Capitalism

Get yourself some Security Alert Soap:

"Security Alert Soap Set"
Five Bar Soap Set

Each bar has these words inside and the corresponding colors.
Blue - Low (Low Lavender)
Green - Guarded (Guarded Green tea)
Yellow - Elevated (Elevated Eucalyptus)
Orange - High (High Hazelnut)
Red - Severe (Severe Sage)

I'll Be Damned

The Senate finally grows a pair. I'm somewhat impressed.

With war starting against Iraq, proponents of the Alaskan drilling plan stressed that any oil found in the area would help the US reduce its reliance on precarious foreign supplies.

Or how about something kooky like raising the CAFE standards? And bringing the standards for SUVs in line with other cars? Naaaaaah. Much easier to just start drilling holes. Like these guys:

19 March, 2003

Alcohol Abuse

An illustration of the dangers of alcohol.

(From Dave Barry's blog).

(Mirrored here in case the site goes down)

Perspective

Sometimes, it's all a matter of perspective. Take, for instance, the case of James Kopp, who was found guilty of murdering Barnett Slepian, a doctor who performed abortions. In his defense:

Kopp admitted shooting Dr Slepian, but his lawyers sought an acquittal arguing that their client only meant to wound the doctor to prevent him performing abortions.

Oh, well! He only meant to wound the good doctor. In that case, let the man go.

I'm sure that Saddam Hussein only meant to wound the people he gassed. I'm sure the American military only meant to wound the Vietnamese with napalm. I'm sure Gavrilo Princip only meant to wound Archduke Franz Ferdinand.

I mean, really, what's a little wounding? I often start shooting at my friends, but we all know I'm just trying to wound them, so there are no hard feelings.

Kripes. This ranks right up there with the fucking Twinkie defense.

Panties

Just so very odd.

Dan Savage

Always full of good advice:

Tell your girlfriend that if you wanted to live with a woman who won't fuck you and doesn't want you to masturbate in her house, you would still live with your mother.

18 March, 2003

Burninate

With Trogdor!

Support

According to our friends at the BBC:

The third main US ally, Spain, will not send combat troops to Iraq, Prime Minister Jose Maria Aznar tells parliament.

Oh, well. Isn't that nice. Feverishly working to start this damn war, and yet not willing to help out.

Viva la France

I can't wait to see the spin the über-patriots give this story.

17 March, 2003

Did You Know?

According to Title 41, Chapter 101, Part 20, Subpart 2 of the Code of Federal Regulations:

Blind vendors licensed by State licensing agencies designated by the Secretary of Education under the pro-visions of the Randolph-Sheppard Act (20 U.S.C. 107 et seq.) shall be given priority in the location and operating of vending facilities, including vending machines, on GSA-controlled property provided the location or operation of such facility would not adversely affect the interests of the United States. Blind vendors shall also be given priority on GSA-controlled property in the operation of cafeterias according to 34 CFR 395.33.

Truly, the federal government is a fascinating creature.

14 March, 2003

Willard

Crispin Glover performs "Ben". That's really all I can say.

While you're at it, check out Where the Hell is Crispin Glover, by the Warlock Pinchers.

Snopes

Oh great internet gods, please smite my co-workers who insist on forwarding e-mails to me. Or at least, beat them about the head with a clue-stick, and point them to www.snopes.com.

*grrr*

QoTD

Quote of the day, from an article about the Raging Cow blog brouhaha:

"The inherent problem is that we're living in such an unbelievably media-savvy age where young people are so incredibly media-literate that eventually they find out," Mr. Valiquette said.

Translation: Kids aren't as stupid as we thought.

All the News That Fits

Ah, nothing like the fair, balanced and unbiased reporting of FoxNews. From an article about protests in DC against a war with Iraq:

Organizers of anti-war demonstrations are preparing to storm the nation's capital this Saturday in a last-ditch effort to speak out against President Bush and a fast-approaching war against Iraq.

Yep. Even-handed reporting at its finest.

I also question the veracity of this:

White House press secretary Ari Fleischer said Wednesday that "the American people overwhelmingly feel Iraq is a threat."

Not because of how Americans think about the situation. Because it implies that Ari actually said something.

13 March, 2003

Why Stop at the Fries?

As if replacing the word "french" with "freedom" wasn't enough, those wacky kids in Congress are at it again! What could be as important as freedom fries, you ask?

The economy?
Terrorism?
Healthcare?
Education?

No, silly! We need to exhume the bodies of the thousands of men and women who died during the World Wars, which are now rotting in the fetid soil known as France! With all those soldiers spinning in their graves, it might be hard to move the coffins.

But let's see what a bona fide veteran has to say about this:

Mack McConn, 78, of Orlando, who survived the D-Day landings at Normandy, during which more than 10,000 Americans were killed, was outraged at the suggestion of moving the bodies.

"That is ridiculous," the Navy veteran said. "I can tell you right now that I don't approve of it at all. We've had problems with the French before, but it's like a spat; you get over it. It would be ridiculous to open those graves."

Amen, sir. Amen.

P.S.
Dear Florida: Please remove yourself from our country. Thanks!

Of All the Luck

Delma Banks was this close to getting the "I was the 300th person to be executed by the state of Texas since the death penalty was reinstated in 1983, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" t-shirt. But oh well, I guess a stay of execution will have to suffice.

12 March, 2003

Robo Vampire

This movie has quality written all over it. Although the comparison to Ricky Lau's Mr. Vampire series certainly intrigues me.

All Things French

Why stop with freedom fries?

We can start calling croissants victory bread, and berets can be...well, we can just get rid of them altogether.

While we're at it, let's get rid of potato chips and the Statue of Liberty, two things France actually did give us!

11 March, 2003

Holy Shit

With everything going on the world, I'm glad to see that some members of Congress have changed the name of french fries to "freedom fries" in the House cafeteria.

Sweet fancy moses. What a bunch of stupid motherfuckers. I really wish I lived in their state so I could drum up support against them ever being re-elected.

I'm so glad to see that the system works.

06 March, 2003

I Get Jokes

Great headline from the BBC:

Manila links MILF to bomb

Thank God!

This month's Oscars ceremony will almost certainly go ahead as planned if war breaks out in Iraq, organisers have declared.

Phew!

(I have more elaborate thoughts about the situation, mostly along the lines of the futility of Hollywood's stars orally gratifying each other while our troops are out fighting in some godforsaken desert, but I think 'phew' sums them up perfectly)

The rest of the story

Give Peace a Chance

Just not at Crossgates Mall in Guilderland, NY.

Stephen Downs, 61, and his son were stopped Monday by mall security guards and asked to remove their shirts that read "Peace on Earth" and "Give Peace a Chance," or leave. Roger Downs, 31, took off his shirt. But his father, a lawyer with the state Commission on Judicial Conduct and a former Peace Corps volunteer, refused.

The guards called police, and he was charged with trespassing and pleaded innocent.

Damn, dirty hippies and their message of love and peace!

05 March, 2003

Buying Our Votes

Bush Offers Taxpayers Another $300 If We Go To War

Bush has been pushing the rebate, part of his ambitious $1.4 trillion tax-cut agenda, in a series of TV commercials. One such ad, which made its debut last Tuesday during Fox's American Idol, features the slogan, "Free Iraq Of Hussein, Free Rent For A Month." Another upcoming spot asks the question, "War: What Is It Good For?" and answers, "$300, Is What."

Milk This

Well, blogs have now been co-opted by Madison Avenue. According to MSNBC, Dr. Pepper has started a blog to help advertise their new extreme milk product. I guess they're under the impression that people will see the blog, and assume some average Joe or Jane is really into this product, and has nothing better to do than shill for it for free.

So I guess this means blogs won't be cool anymore? Whatever will the tragically hip (and those of use who can only aspire to such hipness) do now?

Mullet Head

UPN has ordered a pilot called "The Mullet Brothers":

The show revolves around siblings who own a roofing company and love their beer and their wrasslin', according to The Hollywood Reporter.

And yes, they sport the titular business in front, party in back hairdos.

Other less than impressive pilots

04 March, 2003

Savage

Looks like Michael Savage isn't too happy that various gay and women's groups are protesting his new show on MSNBC.

He goes on threaten the protesters, "If you continue this, we're going to go after your funding sources. And we will do everything we can within the legal realm to cut off that funding. We are also going to go to the U.S. Justice Department under John Ashcroft. What you are doing is illegal. You think it's 1965 and I'm South Africa? I've got news for you: it's not 1965 and it ain't South Africa. I'll cut your funding off, and if you break the law any further, I'll put you in jail."

03 March, 2003

Ugly Pages

I hate getting e-mail like this:

James,
I haven't heard back from xxxxx xxxxxxx on this. I was just going to ask her about it again, when I realized that the title is no longer in the fancier font. Did something happen to it? Could you maybe try something like the look of the most recent Performance & Accountability Report - fancy font & marble background? http://www.usdoj.gov/ag/annualreports/ar2002/index.html

Ugh. Why why WHY?! "Fancy font & marble background"? What the fuck? It's a goddamned federal report. Do you see a fancy fucking font and background in the printed version? No! Then why the hell should the web version have this? What makes it so special that it must look particularly ugly?

I Don't Know Much About Art

But I do know that this is a giant snow phallus. (with picture)

"I think that women or men who are walking to class should not be subjected to a penis," Keel said. "It was a structure put up to assert male dominance."