30 May, 2003

What What What?

Microsoft to pay AOL $750M

The two companies also set a seven-year licensing agreement that allows AOL Time Warner to use Microsoft's Internet Explorer browsing technology in its flagship Internet service provider service without having to pay royalties. AOL Time Warner is the parent of CNN/Money.

First off: "flagship Internet service provider service". You'll have to excuse me, but I need to stop by the automatic ATM machine, enter my personal PIN number, so that I can withdraw money to pay for my ISP service. Dimwits. It's called proofreading. Look into it.

Secondly: YOU FUCKING OWN NETSCAPE! You already have a browser that you can include with your service, royalty free, without having to negotiate with Microsoft. What is the fucking point of doing this, besides showing the world exactly why you have several billion dollars of debt?

Way to go, morons. I salute your incompetence, and am thankful that I do not own any of your stock.

29 May, 2003

Want a Burger? Nay!

Texas contemplates making horse slaughterhouses legal. At least if they're exporting their meat to other countries.

Tommy Merritt, R-Longview, was among those voting against HB 1324. He said Tuesday it had been pitched as a pro-business, anti-government interference measure, but his gut feeling was it's wrong for Texas to support horse consumption.

"That was the right vote," he said of his opposition. "The issue is, my daughter has a horse; my family has always had horses of some kind. I voted on the side of the families and the horses."

Well, don't mess with Little Lord Fauntleroy's horses!

Longview attorney Kelly Heitkamp, a member of the Texas Humane Legislation Network, said the demand for horse meat is increasing in French, Belgian, Japanese and German markets with the European spread of hoof and mouth disease. And while dead horses are rendered into many products, the live horses brought to the slaughterhouses often are well-bred since they produce the best steaks.

"Today, as you and I sit on the phone, there's a horse being slaughtered," Heitkamp said. "And there's going to be another one after that. This goes on every day, and people are so numb to it, because they don't have to see it."

He, dumbass! Guess what? As I sit at this computer, dozens of cows are being slaughtered. After that, thousands more. And that's just today. What the hell makes horses so damn special? Oh, that's right...rich people own them.

All About Language


The fast food giant launched it's claim against Edoardo Raspelli yesterday after he branded its fries "obscene and tasting of paper."


McDonald's, which serves millions of hamburgers worldwide every day, took action after reading his comments in an Italian newspaper.

Prosecutor Alessandro Facchino said: "What he said harmed my client's reputation and the claims are completely false.

"The fries that are said to taste of paper are thrown away within five minutes of being cooked if they have not been served and the oil is changed regularly."

Notice that the lawyer for McDonald's never actually denies that the fries taste like paper.

27 May, 2003


Does this mean we're going to start gearing up for the liberation of the peoples of Iran? Oh, those lucky bastards.

[Fleischer] also rejected Tehran's assertions that its extensive nuclear programme was exclusively designed for power-generating purposes.

"We continue to have concerns that a nation that is awash in gas and oil would seek to produce peaceful nuclear energy," Mr Fleischer said.

Yes, why would you want anything besides oil and gas to power your country? Good thing they weren't messing around with solar power. That could really set off some alarms!

Down with the Pill

Argentinian judge bans both the pill and the IUD:

The judge in question, Cristina Garzon de Lascano of Cordoba province, on Thursday ruled in favour of a conservative Catholic organisation which argued that oral contraceptives and intrauterine devices (IUD) violated women's health rights.

There, see! Women have rights! Well, okay, at least one.

And apparently that right is to go around around barefoot and pregnant.

22 May, 2003

American Idle

24 million people voted for the winner of American Idol last night. 24 million people. In contrast, 105,586,274 votes were cast in the last presidential election. Grah!

Is this what we need to increase voter turn out for our general elections? Some frosty-haired twink running around on stage, badgering us about the candidates? A panel of annoying, acerbic has-beens and wanna-bes to comment on the contestants? The ability to SMS your vote for president?

I'm starting to think that we as a country are getting the representation we deserve, if not picked.

But on to the fun parts of the article:

Both stars-in-the-making had claimed they felt optimistic during Tuesday's concert finale as they looked ahead to the outcome, saying it was in God's hands.

Yes, I can just imagine God, sitting on his throne in heaven, sweating bullets over who will win American Idol. That would certainly expalin why the rest of the planet is going straight into the shitter. He's paying too much attention to FOX!

"Everybody in this competition is a winner," Studdard said.

I suspect that's what the teacher standing at the front of the short bus says about her students, as well.


L is for Leo, who swallowed some tacks
You will swallow some tacks. You are a little
weird, maybe not so much in a good way. Buy a
yellow tie and wear it on your head.

What horrible Edward Gorey Death will you die?

20 May, 2003


Well, I watched the Buffy series finale. I won't go into details, because I'm sure others will do that for me. But I will list my two favorites parts of the episode:

  • Trogdor the Burninator!
  • Oh...pierced tongue.

Which probably says a lot for how I feel about the episode. Not to say that the episode was bad. On the contrary, it was quite good. But damnit, it just wasn't SERIES FINALE good, you know? Joss & company have delvered some absolutely amazing episodes over the years, and I was hoping that this one would be all of them, plus christmas and a pony on top.

Eat the Rich

For a rich guy, Warren Buffet has some interesting ideas on taxation.

Instead, give reductions to those who both need and will spend the money gained. Enact a Social Security tax "holiday" or give a flat-sum rebate to people with low incomes. Putting $1,000 in the pockets of 310,000 families with urgent needs is going to provide far more stimulus to the economy than putting the same $310 million in my pockets.

If only those 310,000 families had some way to influence the government!

19 May, 2003

Take My Wife...Please

Man gets in trouble for coffin in his house.

But when two social-services workers visited the 64-year-old to talk to him about a benefits claim, a joke about his unconventional table resulted in a visit from Norfolk police under the impression that Mick had murdered his wife.


"Ignore the box," he told them. "This is the quietest she has been for 40 years and I'm really enjoying the silence."

Good to see the spirit of Henny Youngman lives on.


If you find yourself in the far east, be sure you know how to work the toilet.

[Thanks to Randy for the link]

From Justin to Kelly

If you plan on seeing this movie, please do me a favor and have yourself sterilized before doing so. If you already have children, sterilize yourself anyways, then give your offspring to a pack of bonobos, as they will be better off.


Tobacco Treaty

The Bush administration has decided to support the Framework Convention on Tobacco Control.

As the head of the U.S. delegation to the World Health Assembly, Tommy Thompson, secretary of health and human services, said he would formally announce the U.S. position when he addresses the assembly here Wednesday.

"I'm going to support it -- much to the surprise of many around the world," Thompson said in a briefing. "I'm not going to make any changes. We have no reservations. The delegation here, headed by me, is in support of the tobacco treaty."

Surprise indeed. Now everyone, be really quiet, because I want to be able to hear it when the other shoe drops.


Woman files lawsuit to prove that she has no sense of humor.

16 May, 2003

Look at us...we love technology!

According to Hilary Rosen, the RIAA really does embrace technology! Yes, that's what she said. I'm not kidding. The RIAA is all about new technology.

The reason we do what we do is not a love of litigation but rather a love of music. What other form of entertainment can move you the way music does? And what other form can move with you during every part of your day? Don't overlook these simple facts -- they're the reason that, contrary to the predictions of some doom-and-gloom naysayers, the record industry is poised to rebound.

Um, Hilary? You are one of those doom-and-gloom naysayers. Listening to you, I'd swear the entire recording industry is on the verge of going tits up if just one more person downloads a song off the internet (for free, that is).

And what will the vehicle for this rebound be? Technology. Yes, technology.

Uh-huh. Come on, let's face facts: Sure, technology is doing good things for the music industry, but the RIAA is not at the forefront of the movement. It's been other companies, particularly non-recording industry companies, doing the big stuff. The RIAA is drowning in a sea of technology, looking for a business model to use as a life preserver. It needs to realize that the market will drive development of music technology, and not the RIAA.


According to IMDB:

...In the posters sanctioned by Miramax, the hunky star can be seen flashing a peace sign with the tagline "Steal all you can steal" underneath. However, some Americans have taken exception to the poster. A source at the studio reveals, "The poster is clearly intended to be satirical, but a number of people have objected to Phoenix's flashing the peace sign, which is being interpreted as a decidedly anti-war gesture. People are also objecting to the tagline's insinuation that some solders' ultimate cause may be less patriotic than ridding the world of Saddam Hussein."[Emphasis added]

Obviously, it was all about ridding the world of Saddam Hussein.

Can you imagine what it's been like for those soldiers? More than 20 years worth of atrocities committed by the Butcher of Baghdad. All of those innocent Iraqi civilians killed. The mass graves. The prisons. Damn! It must have laid heavy on the heart of every soldier who went to Iraq.

All those years of keeping their emotions in check. Carefully training and waiting for the day when they could finally liberate the Iraqi people. I'm sure many of them were just itching to go as soon as they possibly could, knowing that every day they waited, meant more innocent Iraqis were going to die.

15 May, 2003

FOX This Fall

FOX has announced their new fall lineup.

Fastlane was cancelled. Gee, what a surprise. Y'know, if that sort of show really worked, we'd still be watching Miami Vice.

The new stuff looks fairly pedestrian. Hopefully Eliza Dushku's show will be interesting. Although that just relegates it to being moved around the schedule, and then cancelled due to low ratings.

And best of all, Joe Millionaire will be back! Oh boy! Of course, how is completely beyond me. I did not watch any of it, but I know the premise. And something like that can certainly work...once. But when everyone knows about it, how can you actually find a group of people who aren't going to be suspicious at the circumstances of them meeting a newly-wealthy bachelor?


If you're like me, you're wondering about Abe Vigoda. Specifically, you're wondering if the man happens to be dead or alive. Well, wonder no more!

14 May, 2003


What's been going on in the world?

US criticises security in Riyadh. Wants to know why Saudis' psychic powers did not forsee these attacks.

'High-rise' housing for South Africa. Mercifully, no lame jokes about all of the clocks in the building be stuck at 4:20.

Plant sap 'causes cancer'. Could we just get a list of what doesn't cause cancer? That would certainly be much easier to work with.

Congress moves to back tactical nukes. Yes, because the best way to control nuclear proliferation is to produce more nuclear warheads. It's so obvious, why couldn't I see that before?

Plane art upsets New Yorkers. The sign read "Caution, low flying planes". Which seems about as tactful as putting up a sign reading "Caution, high flames" outside of Auschwitz.

Fleeing Democrats thwart Texan vote. "But I don't wanna eat my brussel sprouts! I shall hold my breath until you take them away from me. That will show you!"

MEPs back 'polluter pays' law. Wait. You screw up, and therefore must pay the consequences? What a shockingly novel idea!

Failure to find Iraqi arms 'surprising'. Why, exactly, is it surprising?

Burglar to revive case against farmer. Guy breaks into house. Guy gets shot by house's owner. Guy is unable to have sex because of being shot, so sues the owner. Are you sure this is happening outside of America?

No Iraq bounce in US retail sales. Once again, why is this surprising?

Brain 'theft' laws promised. Only major criticism comes from the generally unnoticed zombie lobby.

Ant history revealed. Apparently, the army ant's family tree is as diverse as any you'd find in Appalachia!

Ewan McGregor: [Filming] 'Star Wars' Is "Tedious". Try watching it, McGregor!

Add a Pinch of Soul

Feeling a little too white? Realize that all of your friends are of the caucasian persuasion? Just a cracker who doesn't have a clue about black folk?

Why not try Rent-a-negro.com?

Who is this rent-a-negro?

damali ayo has a lifetime of experience in the field. As a child she introduced black perspectives into her school, expertly answering persistent questions about black history, hair, culture, and politics. This work continued throughout her adolescent and adult life and today she continues to be a resource among colleagues, in educational settings, even among friends. Her skills at fielding a standard range of questions and conversations have become so fine-tuned, some have described it as "art." Trained at the best schools, (Sidwell Friends School in Washington D.C. and Brown University in Providence, Rhode Island) she displays remarkable comfort in predominantly white settings. She fits right in even as she stands out!

One-eyed Jacks

Available for purchase: the William Bennett deck of playing cards. Helps you to identify Mr. Bennett, and also provides a number to call if you should happen to catch him gambling.

Who would've thought that playing cards would become a medium for political expression?

See also:
Newsmax.com's Deck of Weasels
Greenpeace's playing cards for the Nuclear Non-proliferation Treaty delegates.

13 May, 2003

Embrace Mackereality

Weight Watchers recipe cards from 1974. Do you need more proof that the 70s were an evil, evil time?


Main Entry: val-e-dic-to-ri-an
Pronunciation: -"dik-'tOr-E-&n, -'tor-
Function: noun
Date: 1759
: the five to ten minutes of excessive prattling that stands between you and your diploma
See also: salutatorian

12 May, 2003


According to Variety, Angel has been renewed for next season. The important points:

  • They're bringing Spike over
  • There's the possibility for other Buffy characters to make guest appearances
  • Cordelia won't be a full-time character
  • The WB is moving Smallville to the Wednesday, 8PM slot.


Please update your links on your blogs so that Blogshares will pick them up:

Me - http://www.jgumby.com/
Jenny - http://www.laloca.org
Chris - http://www.amber.org/~petrilli/
Gary - http://psychmed.amber.org/
Randy - http://randy.amber.org/

Note the slashes at the end. The Blogshares spider is quite persnickety about the URL being exactly right.

Apparently, I need more friends that blog.

Another Reason to Live

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds. And unlike the original Buffy game, you can control other characters, such as Faith, Willow, Xander, or Spike.

10 May, 2003

Due Impartiality

God bless those Brits. They actually have something called standards when it comes to their television.

09 May, 2003

The Revolution

This island will be the first target when the revolution starts.

$20k golf carts. Sheesh.


Famous Florida votes will be saved. And one day, maybe they'll be counted.

Bush supports anti-gun move. More importantly...Don't fuck with Gray Davis:
Gray Davis is ready for action!

Sars 'here to stay'. Well, I'll just put some tea on, then.

Japan launches asteroid probe. One can only hope they'll buy dinner for the asteroids first.

Spanish Government buys Goyas. And here I thought they meant beans.

Poland hosts three-way summit. Summit. Climax. Same difference.

Cholera outbreak feared in Iraq. Gabriel García Márquez says it's nothing to write home about.

Flaw exposes Microsoft ID service. It hurt when my jaw dropped and hit the floor, I was so shocked by this news!

PC Police

For the love of god, won't SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN!

The state of California, the biggest buyer of education textbooks in America, has instructed publishers not to include references to unhealthy foods such as "french fries, coffee, bacon, butter, ketchup and mayonnaise".


Meanwhile the Irish-American policeman, a favourite stereotype in 20th century American story-telling, is to be written out of history. Not only the Left is having an impact on American classrooms. References to dinosaurs are being excised because they raise questions about evolution which offend the religious Right.

The educational publisher, AIR, now lists "dinosaur" in its glossary of banned words. All references in stories to fossils and dinosaurs must be substituted by "animals of long ago".

"Animals of long ago"? What in the wide, wide world of sports is this?! Okay, news flash for everyone: Dinosaurs existed! I don't care if you want to dispute when they existed, but they did. We keep finding their fucking bones everywhere. Is there something else these bones could be?

My big question is: Will kids be able to read a story like Harrison Bergeron with all of these new guidelines in place?

From reenhead.com

Eroding Rights

Texas can't overturn Roe v. Wade, but it can sure do its damnedest to make it useless:

The more dangerous provision of the bill requires abortions after 16 weeks to be performed in ambulatory surgical centers. In 2000, only three of the 77,000 abortions performed in Texas were provided in ambulatory surgical centers. There are two reasons for this low number. First, the cost quadruples. Second, ambulatory surgical centers do not make their facilities available for abortion procedures now, nor are they likely to do so if HB 15 passes.

Yes, tricksy little Hobbittses, they are!


08 May, 2003


What the fuck is going on here? [Probably not worksafe]

More shit from T-Shirt Hell

See My Vest

Are you sure you want to go through with this, Sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.
Yes...but not completely full. For you see...
[singing] Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food,
The only thing I'm hunting for is an outfit that looks good.
[to the tune of "Be Our Guest"]
See my vest, see my vest, made from real gorilla chest,
Feel this sweater, there's no better than authentic Irish Setter.
See this hat? 'Twas my cat. My evening wear? Vampire bat.
These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino.
Grizzly bear underwear; turtles' necks, I've got my share.
Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest;
Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two,
See my vest, see my vest, see my vest!
[with hat and cane]
Like my loafers? Former gophers! It was that or skin my chauffers,
But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best.
So let's prepare these dogs --
Kill two for matching clogs!
See my vest, see my vest, oh please, won't you see my vest?
[spoken] I really like the vest.
I gathered, yeah.

More Proof

More proof that people are willing to share way too much about themselves on the internet.

07 May, 2003

Five More Years

Food Network signs Emeril Lagasse for another five years. Included in the deal are 90 episodes of Emeril Live and 26 eps of Essence of Emeril...per year!

Why the hell can't we get that much Alton Brown?

06 May, 2003

Humbert Humbert

In news that is sure to make all the women buttery in the nether regions, Joey Buttafuoco is getting a divorce. Quick ladies, snatch this guy up...he's quite a catch!

05 May, 2003


GatLouca: wanna experiment with sausage with me?
GatLouca: hehehehehehehhehehe


Just so you know, there is such an organization as the International Natural Sausage Casing Association. And they have a website.


More news that fits:

Gruesome VD hits Tanzania baboons. I'm torn between:
And just when you thought it would be safe to practice bestiality.
Bush administration opposes condoms for monkeys. Preaches abstinence.

Workers file $7bn uranium lawsuit. But what will they do when they $7bn worth of uranium?

Benin concert stampede kills 15. Great White unavailable for comment.

Franco-US thaw on security. These are the faces of Franco-US relations:
Possibly diplomats?
God help us all.

N Korea demands US response. "I've tried repeatedly to get in touch with him, but I just know that President Bush is screening his calls," says Kim Jong Il.

And there might have been more, but then I got distracted by my new LCD monitor.

Conquer Monkeys

Yesterday's Doonesbury, with translations for those of us who are French-impaired.

02 May, 2003

Bloody Welsh

Wales Added to Axis of Evil

Sprite Remixed

I can be such a tool for the marketing divisions of the world. I picked up a Tropical Sprite Remix with lunch today. So far, a perfectly acceptable drink, although it reminds me a bit of the overpowering "tropical flavor" of bubblegum I used to chew as a child. I think, however, I shall stick to good ol' lemon/lime Sprite for the forseeable future.

Now if Mountain Dew would just hurry up and roll out their new flavor.

Quality Journalism

I love it when a writer can use an example that will really get my attention. From an article regarding the new North Korean embassy in Ealing, west London:

For the secretive North Koreans it is more Bananaman's Acacia Road than Danger Mouse's Westminster bunker.

Scary Go Round

The monkeyphone!

01 May, 2003

Headlines for Today

Slow news day:

Worms survived Columbia disaster. The moral here: Don't fuck with the worms! I think we've all seen Tremors.

WHO says India Sars-free. I don't know. I'm asking you. Who's the guy on first?

Beyonce and Jay-Z To Wed. Scientists will soon learn what happens when two molecules of suck collide.

AES first-quarter results beat analysts' expectations. Okay, raise your hand if your first thought was "advanced encryption standard".

Dane to run southern Iraq. The question is, which one:
MarmadukeScooby Doo

Hell in a Handbasket

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Sixth Level of Hell - The City of Dis!

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

Only the sixth level? DAMN IT!

Bye Bye Buffy

Zap2it's collection of Buffy related articles, as well as some pictures. Including shots from the wrap party, which included such people as Seth Green and Kristine Sutherland....but not Sarah Michelle Gellar. Hmmm.


Wait, you mean you can use P2P services for porn?! Why the hell aren't I notified about these things!

"We love file trading," said Kevin Blatt, sales director for the Triple X Cash, which operates the Collegefuckfest.com and Rectalrooter.com websites. "Why? It's called greed. We've found a way to monetize that sharing."

Blatt's company embeds hidden links in video clips and sends the short movies out on the sharing networks. Then, when a file-swapper downloads a clip and clicks somewhere in the video's frame, he's taken to one of Triple X Cash's sites. The company gets 25 to 40 "joins" -- $30 monthly subscriptions -- per day from this technique, according to Blatt.

Once again, the porn industry leads the way.

Although, just to be picky:

"What they (Apple executives) don't understand is that 99 cents ain't free. It's a lot more than free. It's 100 percent more than free," Rosso said.

Er, no. It's 99 cents more than free. But 100% of free ($0) is still $0.

From bIPlog