25 December, 2004

Attention, Anal Retentives

Just what every LOTR fan needs

We Love the Moon

the moon
The moon is good to us.

Without a strong telephoto lense, and leaving the shutter open for 8 seconds, really makes the moon look like the sun. Just, y'know, with dark around it.

I saw a meteorite streak across the sky, and I was hoping that more would follow. But alas, none did. So no pix.

Fox Sports

Going through the DirectTV channel line-up at my parents' place, I found the following variations of Fox Sports Net:

  • World
  • New England
  • New York
  • Pittsburgh
  • South
  • Football (at least, I assume that's what FSFL means)
  • Detroit
  • Ohio
  • Ohio (probably Cincinnati, FSCN)
  • Chicago
  • North
  • Southwest
  • Rocky Mountains
  • Midwest
  • Arizona
  • Northwest
  • West
  • West (2)
  • Bay Area

My first thought is: overkill, much? My second thought is: with all of these channels, why must Sunday football overrun the regular FOX primetime lineup?

20 December, 2004

Don't Fear the Reaper

According to Revelations:

17Another angel came out of the temple in heaven, and he too had a sharp sickle. 18Still another angel, who had charge of the fire, came from the altar and called in a loud voice to him who had the sharp sickle, "Take your sharp sickle and gather the clusters of grapes from the earth's vine, because its grapes are ripe." 19The angel swung his sickle on the earth, gathered its grapes and threw them into the great winepress of God's wrath. 20They were trampled in the winepress outside the city, and blood flowed out of the press, rising as high as the horses' bridles for a distance of 1,600 stadia.

16 December, 2004

TV God

<maude flanders>The clergy. Won't somebody please think of the clergy?</maude flanders>

15 December, 2004

Additions to the OED

Hey, yer mom made it into the dictionary.

Skating Rink

Oh goody. Another excuse for Arlington to raise property taxes. Plus, I'm sure it will bring more parking troubles to my neighborhood (right across Glebe from Ballston Common).

Maybe if the Caps were a good team, I'd be more enthusiastic about it. But all I see is even more fucking construction around Wilson and Glebe, for another of DC's sucktastic sport teams. Yee-fucking-haw!

14 December, 2004

The Secret to Webtrends

First off, if you're using Webtrends...my condolences. I've been dealing with it for about 3 years now. I started with Webtrends Analysis Series on an under-powered computer, generating more than 40 reports and processing 3+G worth of log files each week. And while it was shaky, I was usually able to keep it running. Now, I'm using WT Reporting Center. On a much faster computer. And it's still hell.

13 December, 2004

Snarky at work

I fucking hate people who find a technology, and figure that everything should be shoved into it. Case in point, from an e-mail I got today in regards to a project I'm working on:

This is my fault, but MPS had asked that the org charts and field maps be scanned in as pdfs this year. How long do you think it would take to do that and post them as alternate formats? I've asked Maria if it would be OK for us to post the OMF now and add the pdf files later.

Now consider that this is just links to images that I scanned in, currently in JPG format. Nothing too hard here. And yet, some idiot (and I'm not killing the messenger here...I know it's not her fault) decides that if PDFs are good for one thing, they must be good for everything.

I can only hope that my reply does not come off as too mean-spirited:

Okay, I'll be blunt: Why do they want them posted as PDFs?

I really need to see a compelling reason to switch from a small, light-weight image format that carries virtually no overhead, to a bulky PDF that will waste space and time as Acrobat as loaded to view each chart or map.

PDFs are _not_ the answer to everything. Particularly when it comes to individual image files. If MPS wants the whole thing scanned in as a PDF, I see no problem with that. Otherwise, we should stick with what we have.

Actually, I take that back. I don't hope for anything. I might be a jerk, but at least I've got my reasons for being such.

12 December, 2004


Randy and Katherine came back from Taiwan with whiskey! Woot! Welcome back.

You might remember Suntory from Lost in Translation, where Bill Murray was shilling it. So far, it's quite good. Here's what Stefan Gabányi's Whisk(e)y has to say about it:

Bloody Hippies

From the "please tell me this is a hoax story" file:

Cold storage: Despite a $7.5 million budget deficit, the city of Berkeley, Calif., bought a 40-foot-long refrigerated trailer last year for the sole purpose of storing shopping carts that had been commandeered by homeless people for their ''stuff'' but then abandoned. According to a November report in the San Francisco Chronicle, the city says the freezer prevents vermin infestation while authorities wait (up to 90 days) for the ''owners'' to reclaim their belongings. Critics of the program said the city should just confiscate the shopping carts, most of which had been stolen from merchants in the first place and almost all of which are never claimed, anyway.

Although if there is going to be any city in any state of this country that gets all concerned about a homeless person's belongings, it is going to be Berkeley, CA.

10 December, 2004

08 December, 2004


Tardy the TurtleGrading system gets an F

Personally, I have come to the conclusion that the University system makes absolutely no sense. Students pay teachers to educate us, yet they are then allowed to tell us how much we're learning. The whole situation seems akin to a boss paying her employee to clean toilets and the employee turning around and telling the employer how much she is or isn't happy with the cleaning job. If I'm paying someone to do my housekeeping, I'll be the one to tell the receiver of my hard-earned money exactly how well they did. Shouldn't it be the same with education?


I think many students have been part of a class in which they became exposed to important educational material and gained wonderful skills of analysis and understanding, however, their grade on a midterm or final did not necessarily reflect this education. A situation like this is the ultimate spit in the face: Students have paid someone to teach them, they have been taught, but an arbitrary grade makes it seem as though this learning never occurred. Their newfound education is not recognized, and they have, in essence, paid money to be told that they are idiots. If I want to be told that I'm an idiot, I could just get drunk and leave embarrassing messages on the phone machines of attractive men -- for free.

See, if you don't want that "spit in the face", as you call it, might I suggest you FUCKING STUDY and GET GOOD GRADES. When you get an A, it's like spitting in the teacher's face! Hey, how about that?

Eliminating the system of grading would surely do away with both of these problems. Suddenly, the purpose of schoolwork will be to garner knowledge, rather than to gain an artificial mark of how much learning one had achieved. Instead of concern about the symbol of achievement, achievement itself will be most prized. Stress in students will be significantly lessened once work is being done for reasons of personal satisfaction. Although some may argue that grades in college are essential to determining that the hardest workers are accepted to graduate school, perhaps a decrease of focus on grades will actually lead to more fair admission policies. Time not spent calculating grades could be used by teachers to write recommendations for the students who have truly shown the ability to work hard and be motivated to educate themselves.

Some might consider this communism. Personally, I consider this STUPID. More importantly, teachers writing recommendations "for the students who have truly shown the ability to work hard" is, y'know, GRADING.

Moron. Big mystery why you have such problems with your grades.

Hannukah Explained

Two cats with limited vocal capabilities explain Hannukah.

03 December, 2004

Red v. Blue Stores

Oh no, not Waffle House!

Although Vignette's support of the Republicans would certainly help to explain why we've been saddled with their crappy portal product, here at work.

02 December, 2004

Metro Board

Well said.


Full steam ahead.

From that guy what brought you Akira. Perhaps you're familiar with his work?

Although as a side-note, the idea of a steam-powered Victorian England sounds awfully familiar.

24 November, 2004

Gift Idea

Wondering what to get me for Xmas? Look no further!

Biscuits and Gravy

And in domestic issues, Biscuits and Gravy prevail over Patience and Fortitude.

This has to mean something, but what, I don't know.

20 November, 2004

Anal Massages

Target now has anal massages. Get 'em while they're, um, hot.

Archived here [PDF]

Link via Fleshbot.

17 November, 2004

16 November, 2004

The Deep South

For those in the know, you're aware that I spent last weekend (and then some) driving down to Alabama with Jenny. And let me tell you, there's a lot of driving in there. (Although I didn't mind doing most of it, because Jenny's Prius was super sweet to drive!).

Pictures of the trip are here

10 November, 2004

Bad Coding Practices

Warning: Geeky coder post follows

So today I was reminded just why I don't like dealing with Javascript.

We are currently in the process of deploying our new website at work, and we're using Vignette's portal and CMS products to do so. I'll summarize my feeling about these products: They suck.

08 November, 2004

Angels and Devils

Analyzing Customers, Best Buy Decides Not All Are Welcome [ad before the story]

Mr. Selden had never applied his angel-devil theories to a retailer as large as Best Buy, whose executives were skeptical that 20% of customers could be unprofitable. In mid-2002, Mr. Selden outlined his theories during several weekend meetings in Mr. Anderson's Trump Tower apartment. Mr. Anderson was intrigued by Mr. Selden's insistence that a company should view itself as a portfolio of customers, not product lines.

Or, to summarize the whole article: "We're getting rid of the cheap stuff, and no more deep discounts. So that leaves us with, um, the expensive stuff. Hurry up and buy it, suckers!"


I've got your mandate right here! According to this, Bush got 2.51 million square miles of the country, wheareas Kerry only got 511,700!

Of course, those miles are all square. Real L-7s. Do we really care what they have to say?


Want to find out what you can or can't do today? Check out what the Federal Register has to say.

02 November, 2004

Lines, Shmines

I voted in ArlingtonAt 3PM, the line for voting was pretty much non-existant. It took less than 10 minutes to get signed in and actually vote. What's all this complaining about?

01 November, 2004


Who knew? The American Cornhole Association. [SFW]

And speaking of cornholing: a movie about one guy's own backdoor draft, as it were. [NSFW]

With Crosses Carved in Their Foreheads

FerretsLeave it to Bush!
George talks with Bill Cosby (and who knew that Bill was an Illuminati?)
George talks with Gary Busey. Including the adorable ferrets seen on the left.

29 October, 2004


Damnit. When it comes time to draw up useless charts and graphs based on pointless data from a tiny portion of the population, I'm not being counted! I tell ya, this makes me so mad, I'm just going to have to continue completely ignoring all of the polls that the media feels the urge to throw at me.

16 October, 2004

I'll Teach Your Grandmother to Suck Eggs!

First, Greg the Bunny, out on DVD. That makes life fantastic. Even more so, I just got my copy in the mail. Three days early! Hallelujah for buy.com!

But to make things even better in the world of DVDs, I'm walking through target this afternoon, and I find:
Cover of 'Ren & Stimpy' DVD

Ah. My precioussssses!

13 October, 2004

William Schaefer

Former governor and current state comptroller William D. Schaefer provides reason number 425321 for not living in the state of Maryland:

The mention of an HIV registry, something Schaefer championed without success a decade ago, had prompted an angry response from health officials and activists who believe that it would discourage people from being tested and seeking care. During yesterday's interview, Schaefer tried to explain why he continued to push a proposal that the legislature defeated three times in the 1990s.

"As far as I'm concerned, people who have AIDS are a danger," the comptroller said. "They're a danger to spread AIDS. People should be able to know who has AIDS. It costs an awful lot of money to treat them."

Maybe if we had some other way to identify those with AIDS. Hmmm. AIDS. AIDS. A! We could sew a big 'A' on these peoples' clothes. I'd be willing to be that you could find some surplus in Mass, or the surrounding areas.

"They bring it on themselves," Schaefer continued, saying risky behavior is the only way to get the disease. "They don't get it by sitting on the toilet seat. . . . A person who gives AIDS, who spreads AIDS, they're bad people. Everybody wants to be on the good side of everything. Well, I'm taking a stand."

Well, amazingly, he figured out you can't catch "the AIDS" by sitting on a toilet seat. Bravo!

05 October, 2004

Rap is Fake?

Original West Coast Rapper Says Today's Rap Is Fake

This won't be music to the ears of 50 Cent or G-Unit but one of the original west coast rappers says today's rappers are phonies just trying to sell a lot of records.

MC Eiht, a veteran Compton gangsta rapper, says these rappers, and mainstream rap in general, aren't real anymore because they're rapping about stuff they've never really been through, but it's still popular because "...radio stations and record executives like it and are accepting it."

Well, yeah, if anyone's going to know about fake rap, it'll be someone from the west coast.

FINALLY! (blah)

Greg the Bunny DVD coverIs there any reason you have not yet pre-ordered this DVD? Huh? Huh?

Yeah, enough of your excuses. Order it.

Hurry up punk. I haven't got all day.

Happy People With Jobs

Weed & Seed in a nutshell? Or the president's plan for Iraqi reconstruction?

You decide!

01 October, 2004

See Saw

Movie poster for SawI certainly hope you appreciate the life that you're given.

Wow. Saw. What is it? Horror. Yeah. Psychological thriller? Definitely. Disney-style musical? Nope. Buddy-cop actionfest? Well, a tiny bit.

The hard part about reviewing a movie like this is that you don't want to give anything away. Most of the time, you see a trailer for a movie, and you've got the gist of the movie. Usually, you've also seen the best parts summed up in two-three minutes.

When I saw the trailer for Saw in front of Resident Evil: Apocalypse, I got none of that. In fact, I wasn't especially drawn into the movie from what I saw. "Yeah, it looks interesting, but I can't imagine paying full price to see it." Matinee material, definitely. (And seeing it for free was just gravy.)

All I knew going into the movie was that Cary Elwes and some other guy (Leigh Whannell) are trapped in a room, each with shackles around one of their ankles. And then something to do with the eponymous saw. So you can see my doubts. "How can they pull of 90+ minutes of that?"

Extremely well, it turns out. 100 minutes after the start of the movie, I was in awe. A scary movie that actually scared me. It didn't rely on gore. It didn't rely on cheesy clichés. It got into my head. It felt oppressive. Most of the film is focused on this tiny room, and after awhile, I could feel the four walls around me. That mildly claustrophobic feeling I got when I watched Cube.

Some of the influences I noticed: Mad Max (the saw bit, naturally); Poltergeist; Chucky; Cube; Se7en; Blue Velvet; and some of the earlier Nine Inch Nails videos. Particularly Closer (with it's sepia-toned, mysteries of the trans-mundane action), but also the single-room aspect of Help Me I'm In Hell and Happiness in Slavery. Probably other stuff I'm not cultured enough to notice.

All in all, I give it 4 out of 5 objects of your choice.

(Please note: definitely not for children, or the faint of heart.)

27 September, 2004

CIA Factbook

The new fact book's here. The new fact book's here. This is the kind of spontaneous publicity that the South Sandwich Islands need. Their name in print. That really makes them somebody. Things are going to start happening to them now.

(All apologies to The Jerk for that quote)

Mysterious Republican Money

Mysterious Republican Money:

If House Speaker Dennis Hastert were really concerned about drug profits being laundered into the U.S. political process, he would not be sliming billionaire financier George Soros with that suspicion. Hastert would be looking at a principal conservative funder: South Korean theocrat Sun Myung Moon.

While Hastert was unable to cite a shred of evidence that the liberal Soros is funneling illicit money, there is a substantial body of evidence that Moon has long commanded a criminal enterprise with close ties to Asian and South American drug lords. The evidence includes first-hand accounts of money laundering disclosed by Moon confidantes and even family members. Besides those more recent accounts, Moon was convicted of tax fraud based on evidence developed in the late 1970s about his money-laundering activities.

Burgerlicious Rocks

Woman sues over bad burger

MELBOURNE, Sept. 26 (UPI) -- A Melbourne woman, suing McDonald's Australia, claims she suffered a loss of libido after biting into an allegedly contaminated cheeseburger.

Contaminated, you say? E. coli? Ebola? Staphylococcus?

Kelly Rae Hennessey alleges the cheeseburger she bought from a McDonald's drive-through in Adelaide in July 2000 contained a rock, the Melbourne Herald Sun reported Sunday.

Oh. A rock. How Charlie Brown of her.

As a result of the bad burger, Hennessey says she's suffered a loss of libido, as well as depression, nightmares, anxiety, nausea, palpitations, diarrhea, shortness of breath and toothache.

You know what. If finding a rock in your food can cause this much mental and physical anxiety, you were never meant to have made it this far in life. It is not only a sad day for humanity, but for evolution as well. Your genes have no right to be passed on to future generations. Do us all a favor, and don't breed.

22 September, 2004

20 September, 2004

You've Got Goth

Goth Guide Gives Parents Reason To Be Happy

Voltaire says that while goths may look weird because they favor black lipstick and crushed velvet capes, they're actually quite sane people who have a "harmless fascination with the macabre."

Raise your hand if you wish to take exception with the author's use of the word sane.

BBQ via the State Dept

If you should happen to be visiting our fine country, be sure to read about barbecue, as provided by the State Department.

No! no! no! the cry goes up. Everyone has barbecue! Look at Armenian grilled lamb, or Cantonese barbecued duck, or shrimp on the "barbie" in Australia. Nearly every culture around the world that uses fire has barbecue, you say. And you'd be almost right.

Because we're talking about a special kind of barbecue here - an arcane method of cooking meat very slowly over coals, the roots of which go far back into the American past. A cooking method so unusual that when the first Europeans in the New World saw it, they couldn't quite believe it.

As one Frenchman put it in 1564: "A Caribbee has been known, on returning home from fishing fatigued and pressed with hunger, to have the patience to wait the roasting of a fish on a wooden grate fixed two feet above the ground, over a fire so small as sometimes to require the whole day to dress it." The natives called their wooden grate a "babracot," referring to the wooden framework used to cook meet, which the conquering Spanish turned into "barbacoa."

13 September, 2004


Bush during 9/11 anniversary
"Even though he knew he would be spending the day honoring those who died on 9/11, President Bush couldn't resist a third bowl of Laura's four-alarm chili the night before."

Update: Come up with your own caption and put it in the comments. Winner gets a smug sense of self-satisfaction. Although what you'll do with two of those is beyond me.

Photo credit: AP via Yahoo

10 September, 2004

Amazing Coincidences

Krishna: a previous reincarnation of Jesus. They forgot the most obvious one, though:

  1. Jesus had a secretary named Krishna, while Krishna had a secretary named Jesus.

Link via Metafilter

Thank You

If you're the person who bought me this from my wishlist...thanks!

09 September, 2004

Hurrah for Adult Swim

Cartoon Network's Adult Swim continues to impress me. Not only have they helped to resurrect Family Guy, they will help to keep the new run of the series alive, even after FOX once again fucks it over and cancels it due to poor ratings. (Call it my Internet Psychic, if you will).

Not only that, they'll be helping FOX with Seth McFarlane's new series, American Dad (which looks good even from just the one commercial I've seen for it), and also giving a home to the much-anticipated Boondocks cartoon. Hopefully the quality of the comic strip will come through when it's animated.

Greg Returns

In a move that's sure to make at least twenty people happy (myself included), IFC has announced that they're going to present a Greg the Bunny special, with the possibility of a series return in the future.

The IFC special, which could evolve into a new series run, will feature appearances by [Seth] Green and [Sarah] Silverman as well as Adam Goldberg, Lou Ferrigno and IFC regular Jon Favreau, host of the channel's "Dinner for Five." The special will pick up two years after the end of Greg's series, finding the bunny humiliated and, according to The Hollywood Reporter, seeking solace with fabricated friends Warren the Ape and Count Blah in Las Vegas.

All I can say is: Blah!

07 September, 2004

Go to Hell, Hollywood

Cruise Could Make $360 Million from 'War of the Worlds'

Movie superstar Tom Cruise has become the highest earning actor in Hollywood history after signing a deal that could earn him a staggering $360 million for his role in War Of The Worlds. Rather than agree a set fee for his part in the Steven Spielberg-directed epic, Cruise will earn 10 per cent of the film's box office takings plus a share of profits from DVDs, video games and toys. Experts predict the film - based on HG Wells' classic novel about a Martian attack - could make $1.8 billion at the cinema alone, of which Cruise's share would be an incredible $180 million. And, if he stars in the two planned sequels, Cruise's earnings will double at least. A Hollywood source says, "No expense will be spared. Spielberg wants to make it the film of the decade - the one that everyone talks about and rushes to see."

Few things:

  1. Tom Cruise hasn't earned dick from this movie yet. Don't go fellating the man over the title of "highest earning actor" just yet.
  2. I really must question your use of the word 'actor'
  3. How the hell can you spend $180M on a remake of War of the Worlds? It's not that difficult of a movie to make.
  4. Do we really need the possibility of two sequels?

You continue to suck, Hollywood. A lot.

03 September, 2004


Thank you, Uncle Cecil, for helping to spread the word about diamonds.

De-Beers: By our overpriced rocks...suckers!

01 September, 2004

21 August, 2004

Lead-free Water

Anti-Lead Chemical To Be Put In Water

A chemical that will be added to D.C. and Northern Virginia drinking water next week will produce a "noticeable reduction" in lead within a year, but it could be longer than that before some homeowners can stop using filters, an Environmental Protection Agency official said yesterday.

The colorless and tasteless chemical, phosphoric acid, coats the inside of plumbing to prevent lead from leaching into drinking water. It has been tried since June in a section of Northwest Washington. The EPA considers the test successful because there were no major problems with rusty water or elevated bacteria readings, two possible side effects.

Holy crap! The conspiracy nuts were right. The government is putting acid in my drinking water!

On Monday, two treatment plants run by the Army Corps of Engineers will add the chemical to water that goes to 1 million customers -- everyone in the District, Arlington, Falls Church and Vienna, as well as parts of northeast Fairfax County that receive water from Falls Church. It will take several days to disperse through the system.

Ha ha, Randy. You get the same crappy water as me!

18 August, 2004

More Head, Please

Belgians Like More Head:

That's according to Cirby Scyer, a draught developer for Belgian beer company, Stella Artois. He says a good Belgian beer pour leaves at least, "...two fingers of head in the glass,"

Scyer will be looking for lots of head starting next Tuesday (Aug. 24) in Philadelphia when the beer company holds Belgian beer pouring competitions for bartenders across the U.S.

As usual, I'm working for the wrong company.

12 August, 2004


People say to me, "how can you be so sure there is no god?" To answer that question, I present this proof. Would a loving and caring diety let this happen?

11 August, 2004

Sexy Sci-Fi

Fonda voted best of the vest

BARBARELLA has been named as the sexiest sci-fi character in the movies.

Milla Jovovich was second for her role of Leeloo in The Fifth Element, while Kristinna Loken was third for playing killer robot T-X in Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines.

Milla. In second? No no no no:

Milla Jovovich in Resident Evil

Bloodrayne, the Movie

Vampire role bites Gandhi actor

Oscar-winning actor Sir Ben Kingsley is to play an evil vampire in a film based on the computer game BloodRayne.

The Gandhi star will play Kagan, the ruler of an army of bloodsuckers, in the $47m (£26m) movie, which is about to go into production in Romania.

Terminator 3 actress Kristanna Loken will play the title character, a half-vampire who has the strength of a monster but the emotions of a human.

She must overthrow Sir Ben's character to save the world from the living dead.

Wow. I can only hope this means the script for the movie is spectacular.

Grease Fire

pimply faced teenParaguay blaze 'caused by grease'. This kid unavailable for comment:

Blast You, Tommy Tutone!

While I don't think it will become as widespread at 867-5309, it looks like Alicia Keys has found a way to annoy some people in Georgia

Since the Grammy award winning singer's song "Diary" hit the pop charts, the Turners' phone has been ringing off the hook with people trying to talk to her.

But fans are just doing what they're told. The lyrics tell listeners to call a number that happens to match the Turners'.

You would think the recording industry lawyers would include a memo in the Welcome to Our Label package each new artist gets, that explains all phone numbers should use the fake 555 exchange.

10 August, 2004

Brace Yourselves

Ah, what a great headline: Florida braces for election

Buffy show cleared of indecency

Fucking uptight people: Buffy show cleared of indecency

The complaints made by the Parent TV Council and the Americans for Decency group were rejected because the shows did not violate FCC indecency rules.

Characters Buffy and Spike were shown having sex in a 2001 episode.

But the FCC said there was "little evidence that the activity depicted was dwelled upon".

The Commission concluded that the Buffy episode was not sufficiently explicit or graphic to be indecent and that the sex was not used "to pander, titillate or shock the audience".

"Yeah, if you could just stop, you know, having fun and enjoying the stuff on TV, we'd be really happy. Really, what could be better than watching 7th Heaven or the PAX network whenever you wanted to watch some TV?"


09 August, 2004


I always thought it was a joke about cops having quotas. Turns out, in Falls Church (VA), they do!

Falls Church police require patrol officers to write an average of three tickets, or make three arrests, every 12-hour shift, and to accumulate a minimum total of 400 tickets and arrests per year. In terms of quotas, writing a ticket for a broken taillight carries the same weight as an arrest for armed robbery.

Failure to meet the quotas results in an automatic 90-day probationary period with no pay raise and a possible demotion or dismissal if ticket or arrest numbers aren't immediately raised to acceptable levels. Vacation time, extended leave or military duty doesn't reduce the quota, union officials said -- patrol officers still are required to meet the annual ticket or arrest numbers, meaning they must write more tickets when they return to the streets to compensate for their time away.

National Arboretum

Pictures of my trip to the National Arboretum

30 July, 2004

Exploding Rabbits

Men Charged For Tossing Explosive-Strapped Rabbit Into Lake When asked, this is what the miscreant sub-human piece of shit who formerly cared for the rabbit had to say:

"I think that a lot of people are judging us without knowing us at all," Sigmon said. Asked why he fitted Lucky with the explosive, he said, "Um, that's a real tough question to answer.

Other tough questions that Sigmon couldn't answer:

  • Why am I allowed to continue breathing?
  • Should I stick a knife into this cat's eye?
  • What happens when I stick a fork into an electrical outlet?
  • Why am I allowed to continue breathing?
  • I wonder if it would hurt someone if I punched them in the eye?
  • Seriously...why am I still breathing?

Please, do us all a favor, and die. I don't care if I'm judging you. You gave up the right to live judgment-free when you strapped the M-1000 to a rabbit.

And here's the kicker:

Sigmon said he adopted the bunny after almost running over her with his car, but can no longer care for her because he's starting college this fall at University of California, San Diego, where he plans to study biology.

I can only hope that professors at UCSD read this article, and refuse to teach this dipshit for his cruelty. Especially the bio profs.

29 July, 2004

Comma Comma Kabballah

Target now has red Kabballah strings. Only $25.99..cheap!

I can't wait until they start carrying pieces of the true cross, or maybe even golden calves.

28 July, 2004

Life's Little Victories

After an uneventful day at work, it's nice to come home and find my most recent order from Second Spin waiting for me in the mailbox. I would wish for this every day, but the CDs aren't free, and I would quickly be more broke than I am if this was the case.

As if this wasn't good enough, I find that the copy of the Beastie Boys "To the 5 Buroughs" that I ordered, for only $8.99, was brand new, still shrink-wrapped. Ahhhh. Recent album goodness for only half the price!

And, because I know you are all waiting, breathlessly, to find out what else I ordered:

  • Beastie Boys - To the 5 Buroughs
  • The Dead Milkmen - Death Rides a Pale Cow (The Ultimate Collection)
  • En Esch - Cheesy (oddly enough, also in its shrink-wrap...which is more of an odd thing, since the album was released in 1993!)
  • X-Ecutioners - Revolutions
  • X-Ecutioners - Built From Scratch

I can already hear Randy clamoring for copies of those last two.

19 July, 2004

Mark Your Calendars

World Destruction Begins Sept. 29

That's the chilling news from E.T. expert Dr. Terry Johnson, who claims various conglomerations of alien races are conspiring to destroy planet Earth on that day -- with the help of a few volcanoes and earthquakes.

Johnson says an earthquake is scheduled to take place in Guadalajara, Mexico, and when the "crest" of the quake happens, a giant spacecraft will slam into the fault line like a "kamikaze" fighter and start a global chain reaction that will result in the ultimate destruction of the planet.

He claims the E.T.s want to destroy Earth because, in his words, "They're afraid of human creativity and our unique ways of problem solving."

Some humans will be saved, and Johnson says many are already being abducted to other planets to be used as super computers.

Now, let me get this straight: several alien cultures, who have quite obviously mastered interstellar travel and overcome the whole faster-than-light issue when traveling long distances, are afraid of humans, because of our "creativity" and "problem solving"? We, as a species, who have only managed to make it to the moon a few times, and spend decades waiting for satellites to get to the outer edges of the solar system? Oh yeah, be afraid ET! We're coming to kick your ass...if you'll just wait a few thousand years for us to get there.

12 July, 2004

TPS Reports?

Today, I got back from my vacation. I took a week off, visited my parents for a few days, and otherwise just did nothing. Y'know, relaxed a bit! It felt good. Naturally, I didn't want to come back to work today, but hey, that's most everyday for me.

30 June, 2004

Movie List

I don't know why, but I enjoy these damn "lists of movies" that find their way around the internet. The following I grabbed from Blog on the Edge of Forever.

29 June, 2004


Michael Moore's new film, Fahrenheit 9/11, opened over the weekend to be the biggest box-office draw, at least for a documentary. It brought up some tough questions, and really shed some light into what has been going on in the upper-echelons of political society in the last four years.

Of course, I went and saw Dodgeball, instead. And I don't regret my decision one bit.

Sad, Sad, Sad

Y'know, I really hope this a joke site. 'Cos if its not, someone really needs to spend some time with a mental-health professional.

25 June, 2004

I Love Movies

You know who else loves movies? Doug Benson. It says so right here.

So if you like movies, but don't like the hassle of actually going to or watching them, why not check out Mr. Benson's movie reviews. They're short and to-the-point. Perfect for those of us with short atten

Hey, check out David Cross' strange obsession with Jim Belushi. I have no idea what it means, but it can't be good.

24 June, 2004

The Moonies Scare Me

For that matter, most religions scare me. Lots of weird rituals and chants, plus rules. Silly, silly rules. But the Moonies (or, the Unification Church), is just out there. A couple of paragraphs to summarize what's going on with the church, and the Rev. Moon himself:

Coming from Moon that made perfect sense, because he already believes all religions will come together -- under him. "The separation between religion and politics," he has observed on many occasions, "is what Satan likes most." His gospel: Jesus failed because he never attained worldly power. Moon will succeed, he says, by purifying our sex-corrupted culture, and that includes cleaning up gays ("dung-eating dogs," as he calls them) and American women ("a line of prostitutes"). Jews had better repent, too. (Moon claims that the Holocaust was payback for the crucifixion of Christ: "Through the principle of indemnity, Hitler killed 6 million Jews.") His solution is a world theocracy that will enforce proper sexual habits in order to bring about heaven on earth.

"A line of prostitutes"? Obviously, this guy hasn't met the women I have.

What sort of proper sexual habits? According to Moon, in order to restore blood purity, very specific practices are prescribed. Sex before marriage is out of the question, and when sexual consummation does happen, it must adhere to very specific instructions. First, a photograph of Moon must be nearby, so that everything occurs under the reverend's watchful eye. After two nights of woman-on-top sex, the couple reverse positions, whereupon the man, according to Moon, restores dominion over Eve, via the proper missionary position. Then, according to the instructions attributed to the U.C.'s American Blessed Family Department, "after the act of love, both spouses should wipe their sexual areas with the Holy Handkerchief" --referring to the church-supplied washcloth -- which must "be kept individually labeled and should never be laundered or mixed up."

Okay, first off, the picture of Moon? Creepy.
And as for the "Holy Handkerchief" (of Antioch?), well...raise your hand if ewwww!

Now, obviously, two paragraphs do not a religion make, but they certainly do point to some freaky-deaky shit going on that I don't want to have to deal with. Or have my tax-dollars fund.

All of this from Bad Moon on the Rise, a companion piece to Salon's article about Moon being crowned "the King of Peace" in the Senate building.

22 June, 2004

Election Time Is Here, So Drink A Can Of Beer!

Free beer if you register to vote

Here's a way to get young people registered to vote: Give them free beer.

That's the plan at today's East End Festival. Monroe County Democrats have teamed up with High Falls Brewery to offer two free 2-ounce beers to those who register to vote at the festival.


"I think there are other ways to motivate people to vote other than give them alcohol," said Elaine Milton, director of the chemical dependency clinic at the Family Service of Rochester Inc.

Whoa, yeah. That would sure be a nasty alcohol addiction to deal with. "Aw, man, I need a beer. Aren't there any elections around here? Even a primary will do!"

Enjoy It, Loudon County

Finally, people are starting to give up on the idea of building a baseball stadium in Arlington, and have come up with a better idea: build it in Loudon County. Yesh!

Not that I think we even need a baseball team and stadium, but if they're going to build one in NoVA, any place far away from me is fine. The thought of traffic in Arlington, with even more people attempting to stream in from I-66 and I-395 on a regular basis, just chills me to the bone. Sure, I can avoid most of it, but still, plenty would spill out onto the side roads. (And if you live in the area, you know how I-66 slows to crawl right around the exits to Rt 29 and Westmoreland for no good reason, so just imagine a few thousand more people jamming up that point.)

Of course, I do have to question the naivete of the people in this project with their new hope of Loudon/Dulles:

The potential impact on Northern Virginia's clogged roads remained unclear. Curren's analysis showed that a typical 40-minute commute at 5:30 p.m. from Tysons Corner to Ashburn along the Dulles Toll Road would increase by two to four minutes on a game night, he said. The key congestion challenge, he said, is having enough entrances to the stadium to keep fans' cars from plugging roads outside the development.

Ha ha ha. "Two or four minutes". How cute. I think the people doing the studies should be forced to drive from Tysons to Dulles every day, during rush hour, if the stadium is built. Just so they can accumulate empirical evidence of this change.

19 June, 2004

Here Comes Something Meteor

Surprise Meteor Shower Possible in June:

Meteor enthusiasts will likely be out in force in the coming nights, hoping to catch a glimpse of an on-again, off-again meteor display. Special emphasis will be placed on two specific nights: June 22-23 and June 26-27.

Well, shit. Now they've ruined the surprise. And after someone worked so hard on planning it...

Ironically, the month of June is usually not noteworthy for any major meteor showers.

Yup. Irony can be pretty ironic.

17 June, 2004

zombies are eating my bRAin

I dont' know where tHEy came from, but they crassed through my dore only 5ive minutes ago. i fouht valiently, but to no avAIL

now, they eat my bra



at leest it dosnt hrt


08 June, 2004

She Ain't No Cheap Date

VH1's Best Week Ever has a blog. So when you can't wait until 11PM on Friday night, you can get up-to-date on the latest celebrity news.

And with that, we learn that you can't buy Avril Lavigne's love...at least not with hamburgers.

Cheap-Ass Lemonade

How to make cheap-ass lemonade, when you don't have much in your kitchen:

  1. Heat up 1 cup of water in the microwave
  2. Add sugar to hot water. However, realize you don't have any normal sugar. So add powdered sugar.
  3. Continue mixing and adding sugar, until unbearably sweet syrup forms
  4. Empty a cup of lemon juice into the mixture.
  5. Stir

Add ice, and enjoy.

Oh wait, add vodka. Lots of vodka. That helps, as well.


All of the hullabaloo over the renaming of National Airport (DCA), and President Reagan's body will be flown into Andrews AFB.

I Support Terrorism

By smoking Marlboro reds.

The lucrative trafficking of cigarettes, known as cigarette diversion, is a simple scheme but difficult to stop, law enforcement officials say. The traffickers purchase a large volume of cigarettes in states where the tax is low, such as Virginia and North Carolina, transport them up Interstate 95 to states such as Maryland, New York, Pennsylvania and New Jersey and then sell them at a discount without paying the higher cigarette taxes in those states.

Remember a simpler time, when smoking cigarettes only meant killing yourself, and those around you?

25 May, 2004

Journalism or manhunt?

Teacher With Criminal Past Found Teaching In Kentucky

We watched him leave for a local school, where his car sat quietly in the parking lot while he taught children inside. Three area school districts told us that Bennett is a substitute teacher for at least three different schools and none of the school districts knew much about Bennett.

But we do.

The veteran schoolteacher and former principal has a record that includes stalking, extortion and witness tampering. And, for years, his students have accused him of sexual misconduct.

Meanwhile, three school districts in Kentucky decided they didn't need Bennett's substitute teaching services anymore.


Kentucky school officials wouldn't talk on camera either, but they have suspended his teaching certificate there.

We get the sense that he may be heading for Colorado next, and we'll make sure we find out what he's up to.

Okay, so what's worse in this situation:

  • That Tommy Bennet is forging documents and lying about his sordid past, all in the name of acquiring a teaching certificate?
  • That the reporters from WFTV feel the need to play vigilante with this man, and follow him around the country?

22 May, 2004

Cold Turkey

Cold Turkey, by Kurt Vonnegut

When you get to my age, if you get to my age, which is 81, and if you have reproduced, you will find yourself asking your own children, who are themselves middle-aged, what life is all about. I have seven kids, four of them adopted.

Many of you reading this are probably the same age as my grandchildren. They, like you, are being royally shafted and lied to by our Baby Boomer corporations and government.

I put my big question about life to my biological son Mark. Mark is a pediatrician, and author of a memoir, The Eden Express. It is about his crackup, straightjacket and padded cell stuff, from which he recovered sufficiently to graduate from Harvard Medical School.

Dr. Vonnegut said this to his doddering old dad: "Father, we are here to help each other get through this thing, whatever it is." So I pass that on to you. Write it down, and put it in your computer, so you can forget it.

20 May, 2004

Mr. Stewart Goes to Williamsburg

John Jon Stewart gives the commencement address at W & M

Please don't be mad. I know we were supposed to bequeath to the next generation a world better than the one we were handed. So, sorry.

I don't know if you've been following the news lately, but it just kinda got away from us. Somewhere between the gold rush of easy internet profits and an arrogant sense of endless empire, we heard kind of a pinging noise, and uh, then the damn thing just died on us. So I apologize.

But here's the good news. You fix this thing, you're the next greatest generation, people. You do this - and I believe you can - you win this war on terror, and Tom Brokaw's kissing your ass from here to Tikrit, let me tell ya. And even if you don't, you're not gonna have much trouble surpassing my generation. If you end up getting your picture taken next to a naked guy pile of enemy prisoners and don't give the thumbs up you've outdid us.

We declared war on terror. We declared war on terror - it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.

Link via Wonkette

16 May, 2004

Why Yes, I AM a Geek

So I was talking with my landlord today about the cicadas. Hey, why not. They're a fairly popular subject, and they do seem to love this part of Arlington. At one point he compared the drone of the cicadas to a car with a broken fan belt. Certainly an apt analogy.

But not 10 minutes later, I proved just how much of a geek I am. I said to him: "You know what they really sound like? They sound like a phaser from the original Star Trek, just going on and on and on."

*bows* Yesh, thank you. Get me my Spock ears so I can go attend a 'con someplace.

He's the One With the Gun

Freddy vs. Jason vs....Ash?

Bruce Campbell, who played Ash in the Evil Dead horror films, told SCI FI Wire that there is "some validity" to the rampant rumors about the possibility of a movie that would pit his character against Freddy of A Nightmare on Elm Street and Jason from the Friday the 13th franchise. But Campbell added that nothing is imminent. "As I've been explaining to people, this wouldn't be a movie where you could just make a phone call and go, 'Let's do it,' and then it all happens," Campbell said in an interview. "You've got three franchises."

Campbell added, "[That] means you have 17 lawyers, each going, 'Yeah, look at my franchise. Yeah, look at my franchise.' So you have to get past that. Then you have to get past the question of 'how will the characters be treated?' What would you do with Ash? There's no way I'd be in it if I lost. No way. The good guy has to win, especially in that movie. You couldn't kill two whole franchises, but we could sure maim them."

13 May, 2004

The Cicadas Love Me!

Some people I know haven't seen any cicadas this year. For whatever reason, the cicadas aren't around their houses/apartments. Not me, though. I came home last night and was greeted by dozens of the little red-eyed buggers hanging around the outer door to my apartment.

Went outside this morning, and plenty of them were still hanging around, although most had just left their exoskeletons and skeedaddled. But enjoy some pics that I snapped this morning. Hopefully I will get some more this evening when they return.

I'm just glad they haven't started making noise.

30 April, 2004

The Tough Questions

From the BBC coverage of the mistreated prisoners in Baghdad:

But he rejected a comparison with the treatment of prisoners at Abu Ghraib prison near Baghdad during the days of Saddam Hussein.

"I don't think you can compare the two. Saddam Hussein's prisoners were not only tortured but executed. It was much worse than what is there now."

Yeah, see. We don't kill them. Just torture them. Obviously, that makes us better than Hussein.

One of the suspended soldiers, Staff Sergeant Chip Frederick, said the way the army ran the prison had led to the abuse.

"We had no support, no training whatsoever. And I kept asking my chain of command for certain things... like rules and regulations," he told CBS. "It just wasn't happening."

Do you really need rules and regulations to tell you not to hook up a guy's genitals to an electrical current? I mean, yeah, there can be some tough questions:

  • How much food should a prisoner get?
  • Should they be allowed to leave their cells for exercise?
  • What do you do when two prisoners start fighting?

But at what point does "Should I have the prisoners simulate oral sex on each other" come up?

Blondie-Bear No More

For Jenny:

Former Buffy The Vampire Slayer star James Marsters has shaved off his famous peroxide locks for charity. The actor, who played vampire Spike on Buffy and spin-off Angel, is sick of his slicked-back blonde look and has shaved it all off to raise cash for the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation in Los Angeles. Marsters raised $25,000 for the cause by auctioning off his locks, and has now adopted a shaven new look. He says, "I've been looking forward to like looking in the mirror and seeing the old James - the one I'm used to. I want him back."

From IMDB's Movie & TV News.

Ooh, Shiny

Checklist for a great video:

  • Naked women
  • Wearing body paint
  • John Ashcroft
  • Light bondage

Oh yeah. They've got all of that right here.


27 April, 2004

Naked Bike Ride

You know, there's good naked. And there's bad naked. Guess where this fits into the dichotomy.

23 April, 2004

The Tron Guy

Jay Maynard, the Tron guy, was just on The Don & Mike Show. I managed to record most of it (missed probably the first minute or so), so enjoy.

Man on Fire

So Denzel Washington has a new movie coming out (or maybe it came out today...not quite sure), called Man on Fire. Now, not knowing anything about the movie, I really want to see it because of the what the radio ads for it have to say:

Denzel literally sets the screen on fire!

I shit you not, they actually say this on the radio. And I'm stoked to see the movie now. I want to see how Denzel Washington gets into the movie theatre and sets that movie screen on fire. Does he use napalm? Maybe douse the screen in gas and throw a lit match at it? And how does he get to all of those movie theatres to set these fires?

I can only hope that I do not die of smoke inhalation, or that all of the screens in the area have been set on fire before I get a chance to see the movie.

19 April, 2004

Booty Babe Art

Damn. Was your daddy a butcher? Cos it looks like someone shoved two fine hams down the back of your dress.


Ugly Pants

Behold, some ugly-ass pants:

ugly pants

But wait, they've spawned:

ugly shorts

I think I shall call them...Mini-Me!

(Both articles of clothing from the nice people at J. Crew)

14 April, 2004

G-Mail Under Attack

California Lawmaker Tries to Block Google Mail

A California state senator Monday said she was drafting legislation to block Google Inc.'s free e-mail service "Gmail" because it would place advertising in personal messages after searching them for key words.

"We think it's an absolute invasion of privacy. It's like having a massive billboard in the middle of your home," Sen. Liz Figueroa, a Democrat from Fremont, California, told Reuters in a telephone interview.

"We are asking them to rethink the whole product," she said.

And then...

European groups recently lodged a complaint with UK authorities, charging that Gmail may violate Europe's privacy laws because it stores messages where users cannot permanently delete them. Europe's privacy protection laws give consumers the right to retain control over their communications.

No one is going to be forced to use G-Mail. It is a service for which you will sign up. Included in the terms of use will most likely be language along the lines of: we monitor your e-mail, and place ads in it based on the content you receive. If you don't like that, then don't use the fucking service, asswipe.

What's so fucking hard about that?

I can understand the privacy concerns, but the fact of the matter is, when I send someone e-mail, I have no guarantee of privacy. The person on the receiving end can easily send my e-mail out to thousands of others with just a click of the mouse. The only thing that protects me is how much I trust a person.

And to rebutt the European issue: there is no guarantee that whoever is hosting your e-mail doesn't have a tape backup of sensitive e-mails you sent or received six months, and thought you had deleted. Unless you have your own mail server, you run this risk!

So basically: there is no privacy on the internet. If you're worried about other people reading your mail, look into encryption using GPG or PGP.

08 April, 2004


Man Says Election Sticker Ruined Jacket

A man says election day has left its mark on him and he is not happy about it. Robert Bonoff wants the city to pay for a new suede coat that he said has been ruined by a voting sticker.

Bonoff says the "I voted today" sticker he was handed and asked to wear after voting in the March 2 presidential primary ruined his suede coat.


Stamford Director of Legal Affairs Tom Cassone said Bonoff will not be compensated. The city is not liable for damage caused by stickers handed out at the polls, city-sponsored blood drives or other events, he said.

And more importantly, no one from the city actually put the sticker on his coat. He was handed a sticker and asked to wear it. He could have worn it anywhere. (I myself put those stickers on my laptop or monitor). However, proving that he did not have the common sense doled out to a sack of hammers, Mr. Bonoff affixed it to his fucking suede coat.

So, to summarize the summary: it's your own damn fault for doing it...bitch.

02 April, 2004

Money Scam

So I've become accustomed to the Nigerian money scam e-mails, but today, I got a new one:

Dear Friend,

Good day to you. I may have to trouble your sense ofpersonalachievement and reward for an opportunity properlytaken advantageof.

I work for Allied Irish Bank Plc here in Dublin,Ireland. I am arelationship officer and one of my biggest customers was Isam Mattar, aLebanese, now deceased. He had a fixed time deposit with my Bank whichhas matured and remains unclaimed till now. It runs into the value of 24Million Euro.

I knew him so well since he was one of my most performing accounts.However the account opening package of Isam Mattar does not containany next of kin and neither has it been possible to trace any relative ofIsam Mattar. My personal know of Isam Mattar and experience in thebanking industry reveals that such monies remain recycling in the moniesof the bank until finally they may be dissipated as unclaimed funds.

Etc, etc.

Really. If I wanted to throw my money away on an Irishman, I'd take him to the pub and start a tab.

Yeah, I know. There I go, perpetuating a stereotype. What a shock. Just accept it as humor in poor taste and move along. Thanks.

31 March, 2004


How to make tea: advice from famous people

I suspect some people will find it odd that there is not one, but two articles on how to make a nice cuppa. I find it odd that I haven't found more. I'm quite convinced I could travel to Britain, ask one million people how to make tea, and I would not only receive one million different recipes for tea, but also one million recipes for a correct cup of tea.

Is Everyone Going Gay?!

Mexico sets up gay football league

Mexico has set up a gay football league for homosexual players.

All match officials will also have to be gay, reports Mix Brazil.

The league is made up of five teams: The Clan, Fashion Team, The F***ers, G Strength and Your Mother.

They will compete for a cup and the chance to represent Mexico at the World Gay Football Championship.

A gay football league for homosexual players? What an odd description. Although I guess it helps to differentiate itself from the NFL, the gay football league for closeted players.

And if you can't see the homoeroticism in football, then bless your repressed little hearts. How cute.

Link via Dave Barry's Blog. (It will also be interesting to note whether or not this whole thing is a hoax.)

29 March, 2004

The Little Guys

Woody Loses Court Battle (from Movie & TV News @ IMdb.com):

Veteran filmmaker Woody Allen has lost a six year legal battle, after the New York State court dismissed efforts to halt the construction of a building site. Manhattan maverick Allen had been part of a group of wealthy Upper East Side New Yorkers - called the Citi Neighbors Coalition Of Historic Carnegie Hill - who filed a lawsuit against the city's Landmarks Preservation Commission. The protest organization wanted building on the 10 story development to stop, because they say it ruins their upmarket neighborhood. But Thursday, the court ruled the lawsuit was irrelevant as the building was nearly completed. A spokesperson for the Citi Neighbors says, "I just feel so emotional because we're just the little guys, and we lost. There's that old saying, 'You can't fight the city.'" Allen was unavailable for comment. The apartments which start at $7.8 million will be finished in June this year.

"Just the little guys", huh? Wow. I mean, unless Woody Allen is the only person in your group with any money and fame, you all need to shut the fuck up. And somehow, I doubt this is the case.

And really, how badly can an building full of $7.8M apartments drag down your property values and otherwise ruin your neighborhood? It's not exactly a rent-controlled slum going up.


My thoughts on The Gay Marriage Issue™:
(and all apologies if this has been said before)

We need reform
Marriage, as we currently know it, needs to be split into two, separate entities: a civil union and religious marriage.

26 March, 2004

Feelin' Old

It finally happened. Today, I felt. . . Old.

Okay, I admit it. I joke about it a lot. I mean, I'm not really old. I'm 28, for Bob's sake. Sure, if this were medievel times, I'd be quickly reaching my twilight years. I'd also most likely be strung up for being a heretic. But instead, it's the 21st century. I've got decades to go. And hopefully, no hanging for heresy.

Yet, I joke. Most often, it's when I hear a song from my youth in a commercial. This, of course, being "80s music". But the fact is, I really don't have that deep, emotional connection with 80s music that would truly make me feel old. In fact, the music that I do feel any real connection with will most likely never make its way up Madison Avenue. (Knock on wood.) And I'd be willing to wager that most people are in the same boat. It might not be 80s music, but no matter what the music they listened to, it really doesn't make them feel all that old to hear it in a commercial.

I think what makes us feel old is when we suddenly realize that something that was novel in our youth is suddenly commonplace. Maybe even held in disdain. And that's what happened with me today.

I was at Microcenter, looking for a null modem cable. Now certainly, this act alone can make a person feel a bit antiquated. Null modem cables are slowly becoming things of the past. But this was not what made me suddenly feel 20 years older.

No, it was listening to the stock boys. Or associates. Or whatever the fuck they call the people who run around and attempt to help the customers in this store. As I'm looking for my cable, I hear the one kid talking about some guy who was asking for help, transferring files from a Windows 3.1 machine to Windows XP. This very same guy was, in fact, only a couple of aisles away, still talking to another associate. I could hear him at various times as I walked around the store.

Oddly, the kid was a bit dumbfounded that someone needed help with a 3.1 machine. He surmised to his co-worker that maybe the guy could burn the files to a CD,

\t"but I don't think CD burners worked with 3.1. I think they had a limit. Some kind of 4x limit. Which would make sense, with the FAT-16 filesystem."

Wow, I thought. This kid is a moron. I really ought to turn around and set this kid straight, on several different levels. But then, down came the hammer.

"You don't really hear anyone asking for help like that anymore. I don't think anyone's asked about 3.1 in years. Heck, I must've 6 or 7 when it came out."


Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I feel old.

19 March, 2004

Bloody Vikings

Diner serves Spam, Spam, Spam

Spamburgers, Spam nuggets, Spam Spaghetti, Caesar salad with Spam, Spam and eggs: the menu at the Spamjam restaurant in Manila could be straight out of the Monty Python sketch.

"I'm a Spam lover," said Philip Abadilla, who opened the world's first Spam restuarant in December. "It's always on my mind."

All I'm saying is, there had better be some Vikings in that restuarant.

15 March, 2004

Interesting Logic

Zambia 'bans' condoms in schools

Zambia has banned the distribution of condoms in schools as a measure to counter the spread of Aids.

Ban condoms to counter the spread of AIDS. Hmmmm. I suppose it will also have the added bonus of lowering pregnancy rates, as well. While we're at it, let's ban the use of quinine, and see if that helps to counter the spread of malaria around the world.

12 March, 2004

IE Security

(I usually save my ranting for things that affect the rest of the world, but damnit, I just feel like babbling on about a work-related issue right now. Feel free to skip it if you could care less)


Greenville Man Sues for Alleged Scalding

A Greenville man wants a whopper-sized bite of cash from Burger King Corporation, after he says a chicken sandwich he bought at a Cherokee County Burger King scalded his mouth.

Frank Chancellor's suit claims Burger King should give customers fair warning about the temperature of its foods.

This is my proposal for a catch-all warning:

Attention Morons:

This is FOOD. It might be hot. It might be cold. It might be just right. You never really know. Why don't you fucking check before you stuff it in your fat, drooling gullet?

Even better, why not try be less of a whiny git in general? Really, are you going to complain to the manufacturer of the stove in your kitchen because you stuck your hand in the flame and it was too hot? When your miscreant child manages to freeze his or her tongue to the flagpole someday, are you going to sue the company for not putting a warning on it?

In fact, I have better idea. Let's put a warning on everything. Every FUCKING thing in the world. That way, you whiny fucks will not be able to complain that you hurt yourself, because you've been warned. You quite obviously don't have the common sense that nature imbued upon turnips, so let's just make it easier for you to cope with the harsh world around you.

I can only hope that one day, you are transported back in time, and are forced to live on your wits alone. I give you two days, tops, before you not only eat poison berries, but continue to eat them, even though they are, quite obviously, causing you pain. And once you're dead, I can only hope that you never had a chance to reproduce, and sully the gene pool with more idiot people such as yourself.

There's a reason our species worked its way out of the stone age, and I would be willing to wager that your ancestors were not it.

Or does that seem a bit harsh?

09 March, 2004

Meals on Wings

Twitchers watch robin served rare

Birdwatchers from all over Britain who gathered in Grimsby to catch sight of a rare American robin were horrified to see her eaten by a passing sparrowhawk.

They were still setting up their cameras when the predator swooped down from a row of drab factories and warehouses on an industrial estate.

For some reason, I just find this entire story incredibly amusing.


Conservatives Run Ad Parody Against Kerry

Citizens United, headed by former Republican congressional aide David Bossie, began airing the ad - a parody of MasterCard's "priceless" commercials - on cable and broadcast channels Sunday in select presidential battleground states.

The ad shows Kerry, boats at a marina and oceanfront property as an announcers says: "Massachusetts Senator John Kerry. Hairstyle by Christophe's $75. Designer shirts: $250. Forty-two foot luxury yacht: $1 million. Four lavish mansions and beachfront estate: Over $30 million."

Another shot is of Kerry and Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., with the words: "Another rich, liberal elitist from Massachusetts who claims he's a man of the people. Priceless."

Okay, yeah, I get it. Kerry is a liberal elite from Mass. Whereas Dubya is...a conservative elite from Connecticut Texas. Whoopidy-doo. He's a real man of the people, that George W. Bush.

Funny, they don't bring up how much Bush pays for his shirts. I'm going to take a wild guess that he's not down at Target, searching the clearance racks for a decent $12, button-down shirt. I mean, maybe his tailor is, I don't know. Anything's possible.

And just how much property does Bush own? More importantly, how much property does his family own, that he has had full use of his entire life? I mean, yeah, I know most American families have that second home out in Kennebunkport, but what about all the other stuff?

I've got no problem with pointing out that Kerry has a bunch of money (or at least his wife does). People are allowed to have money in this country, crazy as that may sound. But stop trying to act like Bush is the hero of a Horatio Alger novel, scrapping his way from destitution all the way to the White House, never once forgetting what it's like to be the common man.

Quite frankly, it's not as if any of the candidates have ever had to work a slightly-higher-than-minimum-wage job to pay their rent and keep food on their tables, which can quite often be the case with the common man.

Link via the Big Picnic

03 March, 2004


So, if you went to Virginia Tech anytime within the last 15-20 years, you probably know who Troy is. If you don't, then consider yourself lucky. But in the interest of humor, I submit this e-mail sent to me by a co-worker:

Subject:\tRE: Paul is back on the system...

<Entertainment Tonight (ET) Theme Music>
<Pan shot of ET stage moving to a close-up of Mary Hart>
Mary Hart: Hi, welcome to Entertainment Tonight; I'm Mary Hart. Bob Goen is on assisngment. We start tonight with our special correspondant, Troy, in an exclusive interview with Oscar winner Tom Hanks. Troy?
<Shot of Troy sitting in a chair across from Tom Hanks>
<Close-up of Troy just glaring>
<Close-up of Tom Hanks obviously feeling very uncomfortable>
<Close-up of Troy with his right eye twitching>
<Close-up of Tom Hanks sitting with the look of the beginning stages of panic in his eyes>
<Close-up of Troy leaning forward>
Troy: Do you like to watch movies?
<Close-up of Tom Hanks wide eyed and subtly recoiling>
Tom Hanks: Yes....yes I do like to watch movies.
<Pandemonium ensues. The camera is knocked to the ground and the sound of Tom Hanks screaming is the only thing heard, save for incoherent mumblings and gutteral tones>
<Shot of Mary Hart smiling on the stage as though she has no idea what has just happened>
Mary Hart: Thanks Troy. Be sure to join us tomorrow when Troy will be interviewing the band Hanson.

01 March, 2004

Today's News

Viagra 'not effective on women' - Researchers speculate that the results of the study might be attributed to the average woman's lack of a penis.

Pop star in ski mask prompts concern in US supermarket - "We were concerned that he had maybe gone cookoo for Cocoa Puffs...turns out, it was just Michael Jackson."

Atkins 'can put you in bad mood' - To hell with Atkins. I've never met anyone on a diet who's been in a good mood.

Rebels parade in Haiti's capital - A week earlier, and they probably could have gotten beads from the onlookers.

'Hidden danger' of sickle cell - What, as if death wasn't a bad enough danger? Now there's another, more insidious, hidden danger?

Arab Big Brother show suspended - Wow. Can you imagine living in a society where the people can get so fed up with a crappy reality show that they force the broadcaster to take the show off the air? Oh wait, that does sound kind of nice...

27 February, 2004

Retirement Claims Another Hollywood Great

Anderson: "I Have Retired"

Pamela Anderson has rubbished reports she's to star in a new action film - insisting she's serious about her retirement from showbiz. Fans were shocked when the former Baywatch actress was reported to be signed to appear in 'spiritual' movie No Rules, after telling interviewers "I'm never going to work again. I'm retired. I'm just being a mom" to her two children with ex- husband Tommy Lee, Brandon, seven, and Dylan, six. But she insists she really has retired. Anderson told American TV show E! News Live last night, "I don't want to be an actress. I never did want to be an actress. I have retired. I always said that when the kids started going to school, like kindergarten and first grade, which they are right now, that I wouldn't do a series or any more movies or anything like that. Since I've said I retired, I've had so many people come up to me about movies and things like that. I'm not interested in a TV show - that takes too much time." Despite her early retirement, Anderson is currently providing the voice for animated stripper Erotica Jones in American network Spike TV show Stripperella.

What luck, Pam. You never really were an actress!

25 February, 2004

The Joy of Sect

Pope smudges ashes on little boy

This so called "new religion" is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord's prayer 40 times, but first let's pass the collection plate!
-- Reverend Lovejoy's church sermon, "The Joy of Sect"

It's Gotta Be Worse Somewhere Else

Young Turkmen face beard ban

Turkmenistan President Saparmurat Niyazov has passed a decree forbidding young men in the country to wear long hair or beards.

The president said the Education Ministry should be in charge of checking people's hair as the issue was most pressing among the young.

Damn hippies. 'Bout time the government did something about them. And really, what an excellent use of government time, money and resources.

Turkmenistan is ever more cut off from the outside world, and there are few checks and balances against Mr Niyazov's style of government.

On Sunday he is to fire 15,000 nurses and other health workers and replace them with army conscripts.

Oh yeah. I can't see anything going wrong with that.

The Onion on Gay Marriage

On second though, the folks at the Onion have done a much better on the gay marriage issue than I, or most anyone else, could ever hope to do: Massachusetts Supreme Court Orders All Citizens To Gay Marry

Humpty Dumpty

Humpy Dumpty Logic, by Orson Scott Card.

15 February, 2004


Cover of "Dylan"Title: Dylan
Subtitle: A new play by Sidney Michaels

13 February, 2004

Abortion Records

Ashcroft: Abortion Records Needed

"Americans will be shocked to find out that the Bush administration has taken the position that there is no right to medical privacy," Kate Michelman, president of NARAL Pro-Choice America, said in a statement. "To assert that the government has an unfettered right to root around in our private medical records is beyond appalling."

I'm shocked...SHOCKED...to find the Bush administration doing such a thing.

Purity Day

US teens celebrate 'purity day'

High school students are wearing white t-shirts and encourage classmates to remain virgins until they are married.

The conservative US Christian group Liberty Counsel, which organised the day, said US teenagers should make a "public demonstration" of purity.

A public demonstration, huh? Would that involve breaking the hymen and having the blood flow out on the soccer field?

US teenager Melissa Millis, who says she will wear a white t-shirt to promote the Day of Purity at her Michigan state school, told the Associated Press news agency she was tired of feeling pressurised.

''The way sex is talked about, it's so casual, like it's an everyday thing, like going to McDonald's," she said.

"Can I get the number 5, super sized? Oh, and I'll take a handjob from the 99 cent value menu."

12 February, 2004

04 February, 2004

Power to the Working Class

Cover to "Power to the Working Class"Title: Power to the Working Class
Subtitle: Fight for Socialism
Artist: Progressive Labor Party

It's a Match!

According to this Presidential Match Guide (from the nice people at either AOL or CNN...not quite certain), my best candidate matches are:

  1. Kuchinich at 100%
  2. Kerry at 99%
  3. Dean at 98%

Link via The Big Picnic

Too Glamorous?

Glamorous Kidman Stopped 'Cold Mountain' Oscars?

Nicole Kidman's glamorous appearance in American Civil War film Cold Mountain has been blamed for the movie's lack of Oscar success. The Anthony Minghella directed film was hotly tipped for multiple Academy Awards nominations last month - but only managed to pick up one nod in a major category for Jude Law's leading performance. Now a source on the film has revealed "intense debate" occurred in the editing suite over Kidman's flawless appearance as Ada Monroe, and suggests this was ultimately responsible for the movie's disappointing Oscar showing. They say, "During the editing it was obvious that Nicole looked far too glamorous. She was playing a down-trodden farm owner struggling to survive during the American Civil War, yet she looked like a cover girl. There was intense debate involving Anthony and executive producer Harvey Weinstein about digitally smudging Nicole's appearance, roughing up her cheeks, that sort of thing. In the end, time and cost ruled it out. Nicole's appearance dents the credibility of the film and may have cost it Best Picture."

Poor Nicole. Entirely too glamarous and flawless. However does she live with the mental anguish?

No Love From XM

Even with all of their fancy terrestrial repeaters, I still can't get a signal for this XM recevier in my office. *sigh* Stupid government buildings with their stupid signal shielding. If only I could have an office with a window, instead of being stuck in some Inquisition-esque dungeon (except with computers and chairs instead of chains and beatings). More importantly, why is it that so many other people in this building are able to listen to their crappy light jazz and adult contemporary radio stations without the slightest of difficulty, yet I have to go through hoops to circumvent the firewall so I can listen to just a handful of stations via Realaudio?

03 February, 2004

Lord Buckley in Concert

Cover of "Lord Buckley in Concert"Title: Lord Buckley in Concert
Artist: Lord Buckley

02 February, 2004

South American Portugeuse

Cover of "South American Portugeuse"Title: South American Portugeuse
Subtitle: The Living Language Course

01 February, 2004

Peninsula District 8 Regional Band

Cover of "Peninsula District 8 Regional Bands"Title: Peninsula Disctrict VIII 1982 Senior & Junior Regional Bands

Nerd Alert

Engineering geek names son version 2.0

Jon Blake Cusack talked his wife, Jamie, into naming their son Jon Blake Cusack 2.0.

Version 2.0 was born Tuesday at Holland Community Hospital, and the proud parents took him home Friday.

When I first saw the headline, I thought he had literally named his son "Version 2.0". I'm glad at least some decorum won out. However, the article prompted some questions:

  1. Jon Cusack?!
  2. Bwuh?
  3. Did he refer to his child during the gestation phase as a beta version?
  4. If his wife had had an abortion, would the baby have been vaporware?

And I'm sure there are plenty of other pointless, and equally tasteless, questions that could be raised.

Thanks to Jenny for the link

30 January, 2004

Sebring, 1964

Cover of "Sebring, 1964"Title: Sebring, 1964
Subtitle: 12 Hour Grand Prix of Endurance, Sebring, Florida

28 January, 2004

Bern Ramey on Wine

Cover of "Bern Ramey on Wine&quote;Title: Bern Ramey on Wine
Subtitle: A Sound Education for the Greater Enjoyment of Wines

The Littlest Groom

Midget basketball is amusing. Midget wrestling is great. And Mexican-style, midget wrestling is just astounding. But I really think this is going too far:

The two-part special, scheduled to premiere Monday, Feb. 16, is essentially "The Bachelor" for little people. Viewers will meet Glen, a 23-year-old salesman who stands 4-foot-5. He'll go on a series of group and individual dates with 12 women -- also little people -- in hopes of finding love.

There is, of course, a twist. After Glen eliminates some of the women, the show will bring in women of normal height as well. The conclusion to the special, airing the week after the premiere, will find Glen narrowing his choices to two, then choosing the woman he likes best.

"The Littlest Groom" is from LMNO Productions, the people behind FOX's "Man vs. Beast" and the Travel Channel's "World's Best."

Cat Bites Dog

Trial over cat and dog fight starts today

"The key issue for us is we don't think that the cat scratching the dog is disability discrimination," Nelson said Monday. "The cat didn't prevent his access, it delayed his access."

That delay, the city attorney said, is akin to the type of delay one faces by going up a wheelchair ramp, instead of bounding up the stairs.

The actual damages ---- lost wages, trips to the vet and to Espinosa's doctor ---- tally up to about $325. Nelson said the city offered up two settlements, including one for $1,500, but Espinosa refused.

Why settle for $1500 when you can surely find some sucker jury that will award you $1.5M?

"The city sees it as a dog and cat fight," Espinosa said. "The crux of this issue isn't the dog and cat fight. That's two percent of this. The cat was a barrier to my access, and the city has circled the wagons around the cat."

And that's what is dogging Espinosa.

"The city is unrepentant," Espinosa said. "They are violating the rights of people allergic to cats."

Hmm, let's see. Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness, freedom of speech, freedom of religion...Nope, not seeing "freedom from allergens" anywhere in any of the documents that founded this nation.

Espinosa's throat tightens and his voice shakes when he recalls the details of the "mauling." He points out scars on Kimba's furry face.

Okay, no pun intended, but: why are people such pussies these days? A cat attacks your dog. Okay, fine, get over it. I agree that someone should have to pay for the vet bills, and any lost wages this man suffered. But the cat only scratched the dog's nose. Run for the hills, Ma Barker! Obviously this dog is no good to anyone anymore. He's crippled and disfigured and full of shame, because he was scratched by a cat.

Please. Might I suggest you take a page from Denis Leary's book?


See how easy that is? No one is discriminating against you, no one is trying to make your life a living hell. If people are making fun of you and your dog, it's because you're acting like a fucking simpleton and whinging to the world about something trivial. Give it a rest, take the money the city offered you, and try to be a productive member of society.