31 March, 2004

Tea

How to make tea: advice from famous people

I suspect some people will find it odd that there is not one, but two articles on how to make a nice cuppa. I find it odd that I haven't found more. I'm quite convinced I could travel to Britain, ask one million people how to make tea, and I would not only receive one million different recipes for tea, but also one million recipes for a correct cup of tea.

Is Everyone Going Gay?!

Mexico sets up gay football league



Mexico has set up a gay football league for homosexual players.

All match officials will also have to be gay, reports Mix Brazil.

The league is made up of five teams: The Clan, Fashion Team, The F***ers, G Strength and Your Mother.

They will compete for a cup and the chance to represent Mexico at the World Gay Football Championship.


A gay football league for homosexual players? What an odd description. Although I guess it helps to differentiate itself from the NFL, the gay football league for closeted players.



And if you can't see the homoeroticism in football, then bless your repressed little hearts. How cute.



Link via Dave Barry's Blog. (It will also be interesting to note whether or not this whole thing is a hoax.)

29 March, 2004

The Little Guys

Woody Loses Court Battle (from Movie & TV News @ IMdb.com):

Veteran filmmaker Woody Allen has lost a six year legal battle, after the New York State court dismissed efforts to halt the construction of a building site. Manhattan maverick Allen had been part of a group of wealthy Upper East Side New Yorkers - called the Citi Neighbors Coalition Of Historic Carnegie Hill - who filed a lawsuit against the city's Landmarks Preservation Commission. The protest organization wanted building on the 10 story development to stop, because they say it ruins their upmarket neighborhood. But Thursday, the court ruled the lawsuit was irrelevant as the building was nearly completed. A spokesperson for the Citi Neighbors says, "I just feel so emotional because we're just the little guys, and we lost. There's that old saying, 'You can't fight the city.'" Allen was unavailable for comment. The apartments which start at $7.8 million will be finished in June this year.


"Just the little guys", huh? Wow. I mean, unless Woody Allen is the only person in your group with any money and fame, you all need to shut the fuck up. And somehow, I doubt this is the case.



And really, how badly can an building full of $7.8M apartments drag down your property values and otherwise ruin your neighborhood? It's not exactly a rent-controlled slum going up.

Mawwiage

My thoughts on The Gay Marriage Issue™:
(and all apologies if this has been said before)

We need reform
Marriage, as we currently know it, needs to be split into two, separate entities: a civil union and religious marriage.

26 March, 2004

Feelin' Old

It finally happened. Today, I felt. . . Old.

Okay, I admit it. I joke about it a lot. I mean, I'm not really old. I'm 28, for Bob's sake. Sure, if this were medievel times, I'd be quickly reaching my twilight years. I'd also most likely be strung up for being a heretic. But instead, it's the 21st century. I've got decades to go. And hopefully, no hanging for heresy.

Yet, I joke. Most often, it's when I hear a song from my youth in a commercial. This, of course, being "80s music". But the fact is, I really don't have that deep, emotional connection with 80s music that would truly make me feel old. In fact, the music that I do feel any real connection with will most likely never make its way up Madison Avenue. (Knock on wood.) And I'd be willing to wager that most people are in the same boat. It might not be 80s music, but no matter what the music they listened to, it really doesn't make them feel all that old to hear it in a commercial.

I think what makes us feel old is when we suddenly realize that something that was novel in our youth is suddenly commonplace. Maybe even held in disdain. And that's what happened with me today.

I was at Microcenter, looking for a null modem cable. Now certainly, this act alone can make a person feel a bit antiquated. Null modem cables are slowly becoming things of the past. But this was not what made me suddenly feel 20 years older.

No, it was listening to the stock boys. Or associates. Or whatever the fuck they call the people who run around and attempt to help the customers in this store. As I'm looking for my cable, I hear the one kid talking about some guy who was asking for help, transferring files from a Windows 3.1 machine to Windows XP. This very same guy was, in fact, only a couple of aisles away, still talking to another associate. I could hear him at various times as I walked around the store.

Oddly, the kid was a bit dumbfounded that someone needed help with a 3.1 machine. He surmised to his co-worker that maybe the guy could burn the files to a CD,

\t"but I don't think CD burners worked with 3.1. I think they had a limit. Some kind of 4x limit. Which would make sense, with the FAT-16 filesystem."

Wow, I thought. This kid is a moron. I really ought to turn around and set this kid straight, on several different levels. But then, down came the hammer.

"You don't really hear anyone asking for help like that anymore. I don't think anyone's asked about 3.1 in years. Heck, I must've 6 or 7 when it came out."

Damn.

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

I feel old.

19 March, 2004

Bloody Vikings

Diner serves Spam, Spam, Spam



Spamburgers, Spam nuggets, Spam Spaghetti, Caesar salad with Spam, Spam and eggs: the menu at the Spamjam restaurant in Manila could be straight out of the Monty Python sketch.

"I'm a Spam lover," said Philip Abadilla, who opened the world's first Spam restuarant in December. "It's always on my mind."


All I'm saying is, there had better be some Vikings in that restuarant.

15 March, 2004

Interesting Logic

Zambia 'bans' condoms in schools



Zambia has banned the distribution of condoms in schools as a measure to counter the spread of Aids.


Ban condoms to counter the spread of AIDS. Hmmmm. I suppose it will also have the added bonus of lowering pregnancy rates, as well. While we're at it, let's ban the use of quinine, and see if that helps to counter the spread of malaria around the world.

12 March, 2004

IE Security

(I usually save my ranting for things that affect the rest of the world, but damnit, I just feel like babbling on about a work-related issue right now. Feel free to skip it if you could care less)

Scalding

Greenville Man Sues for Alleged Scalding



A Greenville man wants a whopper-sized bite of cash from Burger King Corporation, after he says a chicken sandwich he bought at a Cherokee County Burger King scalded his mouth.

Frank Chancellor's suit claims Burger King should give customers fair warning about the temperature of its foods.


This is my proposal for a catch-all warning:



Attention Morons:

This is FOOD. It might be hot. It might be cold. It might be just right. You never really know. Why don't you fucking check before you stuff it in your fat, drooling gullet?

Even better, why not try be less of a whiny git in general? Really, are you going to complain to the manufacturer of the stove in your kitchen because you stuck your hand in the flame and it was too hot? When your miscreant child manages to freeze his or her tongue to the flagpole someday, are you going to sue the company for not putting a warning on it?

In fact, I have better idea. Let's put a warning on everything. Every FUCKING thing in the world. That way, you whiny fucks will not be able to complain that you hurt yourself, because you've been warned. You quite obviously don't have the common sense that nature imbued upon turnips, so let's just make it easier for you to cope with the harsh world around you.

I can only hope that one day, you are transported back in time, and are forced to live on your wits alone. I give you two days, tops, before you not only eat poison berries, but continue to eat them, even though they are, quite obviously, causing you pain. And once you're dead, I can only hope that you never had a chance to reproduce, and sully the gene pool with more idiot people such as yourself.

There's a reason our species worked its way out of the stone age, and I would be willing to wager that your ancestors were not it.


Or does that seem a bit harsh?

09 March, 2004

Meals on Wings

Twitchers watch robin served rare



Birdwatchers from all over Britain who gathered in Grimsby to catch sight of a rare American robin were horrified to see her eaten by a passing sparrowhawk.

They were still setting up their cameras when the predator swooped down from a row of drab factories and warehouses on an industrial estate.


For some reason, I just find this entire story incredibly amusing.

Priceless

Conservatives Run Ad Parody Against Kerry

Citizens United, headed by former Republican congressional aide David Bossie, began airing the ad - a parody of MasterCard's "priceless" commercials - on cable and broadcast channels Sunday in select presidential battleground states.

The ad shows Kerry, boats at a marina and oceanfront property as an announcers says: "Massachusetts Senator John Kerry. Hairstyle by Christophe's $75. Designer shirts: $250. Forty-two foot luxury yacht: $1 million. Four lavish mansions and beachfront estate: Over $30 million."

Another shot is of Kerry and Sen. Edward Kennedy, D-Mass., with the words: "Another rich, liberal elitist from Massachusetts who claims he's a man of the people. Priceless."

Okay, yeah, I get it. Kerry is a liberal elite from Mass. Whereas Dubya is...a conservative elite from Connecticut Texas. Whoopidy-doo. He's a real man of the people, that George W. Bush.

Funny, they don't bring up how much Bush pays for his shirts. I'm going to take a wild guess that he's not down at Target, searching the clearance racks for a decent $12, button-down shirt. I mean, maybe his tailor is, I don't know. Anything's possible.

And just how much property does Bush own? More importantly, how much property does his family own, that he has had full use of his entire life? I mean, yeah, I know most American families have that second home out in Kennebunkport, but what about all the other stuff?

I've got no problem with pointing out that Kerry has a bunch of money (or at least his wife does). People are allowed to have money in this country, crazy as that may sound. But stop trying to act like Bush is the hero of a Horatio Alger novel, scrapping his way from destitution all the way to the White House, never once forgetting what it's like to be the common man.

Quite frankly, it's not as if any of the candidates have ever had to work a slightly-higher-than-minimum-wage job to pay their rent and keep food on their tables, which can quite often be the case with the common man.

Link via the Big Picnic

03 March, 2004

Troy

So, if you went to Virginia Tech anytime within the last 15-20 years, you probably know who Troy is. If you don't, then consider yourself lucky. But in the interest of humor, I submit this e-mail sent to me by a co-worker:



Subject:\tRE: Paul is back on the system...

<Entertainment Tonight (ET) Theme Music>
<Pan shot of ET stage moving to a close-up of Mary Hart>
Mary Hart: Hi, welcome to Entertainment Tonight; I'm Mary Hart. Bob Goen is on assisngment. We start tonight with our special correspondant, Troy, in an exclusive interview with Oscar winner Tom Hanks. Troy?
<Shot of Troy sitting in a chair across from Tom Hanks>
<Close-up of Troy just glaring>
<Close-up of Tom Hanks obviously feeling very uncomfortable>
<Close-up of Troy with his right eye twitching>
<Close-up of Tom Hanks sitting with the look of the beginning stages of panic in his eyes>
<Close-up of Troy leaning forward>
Troy: Do you like to watch movies?
<Close-up of Tom Hanks wide eyed and subtly recoiling>
Tom Hanks: Yes....yes I do like to watch movies.
<Pandemonium ensues. The camera is knocked to the ground and the sound of Tom Hanks screaming is the only thing heard, save for incoherent mumblings and gutteral tones>
<Shot of Mary Hart smiling on the stage as though she has no idea what has just happened>
Mary Hart: Thanks Troy. Be sure to join us tomorrow when Troy will be interviewing the band Hanson.

01 March, 2004

Today's News

Viagra 'not effective on women' - Researchers speculate that the results of the study might be attributed to the average woman's lack of a penis.

Pop star in ski mask prompts concern in US supermarket - "We were concerned that he had maybe gone cookoo for Cocoa Puffs...turns out, it was just Michael Jackson."

Atkins 'can put you in bad mood' - To hell with Atkins. I've never met anyone on a diet who's been in a good mood.

Rebels parade in Haiti's capital - A week earlier, and they probably could have gotten beads from the onlookers.

'Hidden danger' of sickle cell - What, as if death wasn't a bad enough danger? Now there's another, more insidious, hidden danger?

Arab Big Brother show suspended - Wow. Can you imagine living in a society where the people can get so fed up with a crappy reality show that they force the broadcaster to take the show off the air? Oh wait, that does sound kind of nice...