27 September, 2004

CIA Factbook

The new fact book's here. The new fact book's here. This is the kind of spontaneous publicity that the South Sandwich Islands need. Their name in print. That really makes them somebody. Things are going to start happening to them now.

(All apologies to The Jerk for that quote)

Mysterious Republican Money

Mysterious Republican Money:

If House Speaker Dennis Hastert were really concerned about drug profits being laundered into the U.S. political process, he would not be sliming billionaire financier George Soros with that suspicion. Hastert would be looking at a principal conservative funder: South Korean theocrat Sun Myung Moon.

While Hastert was unable to cite a shred of evidence that the liberal Soros is funneling illicit money, there is a substantial body of evidence that Moon has long commanded a criminal enterprise with close ties to Asian and South American drug lords. The evidence includes first-hand accounts of money laundering disclosed by Moon confidantes and even family members. Besides those more recent accounts, Moon was convicted of tax fraud based on evidence developed in the late 1970s about his money-laundering activities.

Burgerlicious Rocks

Woman sues over bad burger

MELBOURNE, Sept. 26 (UPI) -- A Melbourne woman, suing McDonald's Australia, claims she suffered a loss of libido after biting into an allegedly contaminated cheeseburger.

Contaminated, you say? E. coli? Ebola? Staphylococcus?

Kelly Rae Hennessey alleges the cheeseburger she bought from a McDonald's drive-through in Adelaide in July 2000 contained a rock, the Melbourne Herald Sun reported Sunday.

Oh. A rock. How Charlie Brown of her.

As a result of the bad burger, Hennessey says she's suffered a loss of libido, as well as depression, nightmares, anxiety, nausea, palpitations, diarrhea, shortness of breath and toothache.

You know what. If finding a rock in your food can cause this much mental and physical anxiety, you were never meant to have made it this far in life. It is not only a sad day for humanity, but for evolution as well. Your genes have no right to be passed on to future generations. Do us all a favor, and don't breed.

22 September, 2004

20 September, 2004

You've Got Goth

Goth Guide Gives Parents Reason To Be Happy

Voltaire says that while goths may look weird because they favor black lipstick and crushed velvet capes, they're actually quite sane people who have a "harmless fascination with the macabre."

Raise your hand if you wish to take exception with the author's use of the word sane.

BBQ via the State Dept

If you should happen to be visiting our fine country, be sure to read about barbecue, as provided by the State Department.

No! no! no! the cry goes up. Everyone has barbecue! Look at Armenian grilled lamb, or Cantonese barbecued duck, or shrimp on the "barbie" in Australia. Nearly every culture around the world that uses fire has barbecue, you say. And you'd be almost right.

Because we're talking about a special kind of barbecue here - an arcane method of cooking meat very slowly over coals, the roots of which go far back into the American past. A cooking method so unusual that when the first Europeans in the New World saw it, they couldn't quite believe it.

As one Frenchman put it in 1564: "A Caribbee has been known, on returning home from fishing fatigued and pressed with hunger, to have the patience to wait the roasting of a fish on a wooden grate fixed two feet above the ground, over a fire so small as sometimes to require the whole day to dress it." The natives called their wooden grate a "babracot," referring to the wooden framework used to cook meet, which the conquering Spanish turned into "barbacoa."

13 September, 2004

Caption

Bush during 9/11 anniversary
"Even though he knew he would be spending the day honoring those who died on 9/11, President Bush couldn't resist a third bowl of Laura's four-alarm chili the night before."

Update: Come up with your own caption and put it in the comments. Winner gets a smug sense of self-satisfaction. Although what you'll do with two of those is beyond me.

Photo credit: AP via Yahoo

10 September, 2004

Amazing Coincidences

Krishna: a previous reincarnation of Jesus. They forgot the most obvious one, though:

  1. Jesus had a secretary named Krishna, while Krishna had a secretary named Jesus.

Link via Metafilter

Thank You

If you're the person who bought me this from my wishlist...thanks!

09 September, 2004

Hurrah for Adult Swim

Cartoon Network's Adult Swim continues to impress me. Not only have they helped to resurrect Family Guy, they will help to keep the new run of the series alive, even after FOX once again fucks it over and cancels it due to poor ratings. (Call it my Internet Psychic, if you will).

Not only that, they'll be helping FOX with Seth McFarlane's new series, American Dad (which looks good even from just the one commercial I've seen for it), and also giving a home to the much-anticipated Boondocks cartoon. Hopefully the quality of the comic strip will come through when it's animated.

Greg Returns

In a move that's sure to make at least twenty people happy (myself included), IFC has announced that they're going to present a Greg the Bunny special, with the possibility of a series return in the future.

The IFC special, which could evolve into a new series run, will feature appearances by [Seth] Green and [Sarah] Silverman as well as Adam Goldberg, Lou Ferrigno and IFC regular Jon Favreau, host of the channel's "Dinner for Five." The special will pick up two years after the end of Greg's series, finding the bunny humiliated and, according to The Hollywood Reporter, seeking solace with fabricated friends Warren the Ape and Count Blah in Las Vegas.

All I can say is: Blah!

07 September, 2004

Go to Hell, Hollywood

Cruise Could Make $360 Million from 'War of the Worlds'

Movie superstar Tom Cruise has become the highest earning actor in Hollywood history after signing a deal that could earn him a staggering $360 million for his role in War Of The Worlds. Rather than agree a set fee for his part in the Steven Spielberg-directed epic, Cruise will earn 10 per cent of the film's box office takings plus a share of profits from DVDs, video games and toys. Experts predict the film - based on HG Wells' classic novel about a Martian attack - could make $1.8 billion at the cinema alone, of which Cruise's share would be an incredible $180 million. And, if he stars in the two planned sequels, Cruise's earnings will double at least. A Hollywood source says, "No expense will be spared. Spielberg wants to make it the film of the decade - the one that everyone talks about and rushes to see."

Few things:

  1. Tom Cruise hasn't earned dick from this movie yet. Don't go fellating the man over the title of "highest earning actor" just yet.
  2. I really must question your use of the word 'actor'
  3. How the hell can you spend $180M on a remake of War of the Worlds? It's not that difficult of a movie to make.
  4. Do we really need the possibility of two sequels?

You continue to suck, Hollywood. A lot.

03 September, 2004

Diamonds

Thank you, Uncle Cecil, for helping to spread the word about diamonds.

De-Beers: By our overpriced rocks...suckers!

01 September, 2004