03 March, 2006

Oh, It Is On

Update: Jenny has a much more succinct review on her site.

Christian: [takes film off the projector] You desecrated a classic film. This is worse than "Godfather III."
Gibson: Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa! Let's not say things we can't take back.
--The Simpsons

Now, I would not like to say I'm completely disappointed by Ultraviolet. To say I was disappointed would imply that I got absolutely nothing out of the movie. That's not true. I got two things from it:

  • The song 24 by Jem, which they play during the trailer for the movie. It's pretty good, and I liked it enough that I will keep an eye out for the complete album at the record store.

  • The knowledge that I had just spent 90 minutes watching what is easily the worst. film. of the decade.

Okay, I know that phrase gets used a lot. And I realize we're just barely past half-way mark of this particular decade. But I feel confident that my proclamation will stand the test of time.

(Dare I say it? Could this be the worst movie of this nascent century? It's entirely possible, but I have faith in Hollywood that they'll come up with something, or somethings, worse than Ultraviolet. For Ultraviolet's producers' sake, one can only hope they come up with this bad movie soon, so people will forget about UV.)

I won't bother going into any real detail about the movie. If you're a fan of Milla, you'll most likely go and see it. In fact, you probably went and saw it today, much like Jenny and myself. (See Jenny's earlier thoughts on the movie here.) All I can say is: Milla, you're incredibly hot, and you do have your moments at acting. Sure, not Oscar-worthy moments, but you have them. But mostly, we like watching you in movies where you kick ass and take names. (And hopefully, get full-frontal, even if only for a few, brief seconds. Ahhhhhh. That helps erase the pain of the movie from my mind.)

So, to sum up: There is no escaping the black hole of suckitude that this movie has created, once you have gone past the Suckass Event Horizon that it creates.

Comic Book Guy: Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.
--The Simpsons


  1. [...] a movie so bad, a review can only be expressed as a mathematical formula. james has a review in english, if you’re not up on your math. Explore posts in the same categories: movies [...]

  2. I don't seem to be having much of a problem avoiding the black hole and saving myself 30 bucks to boot.