You just can’t write comedy this funny.

Best headline of the day:
New John Holmes DVD Will Make A `Wadd’ Of Cash

Viagra ‘not effective on women’ – Researchers speculate that the results of the study might be attributed to the average woman’s lack of a penis.

Pop star in ski mask prompts concern in US supermarket – “We were concerned that he had maybe gone cookoo for Cocoa Puffs…turns out, it was just Michael Jackson.”

Atkins ‘can put you in bad mood’ – To hell with Atkins. I’ve never met anyone on a diet who’s been in a good mood.

Rebels parade in Haiti’s capital – A week earlier, and they probably could have gotten beads from the onlookers.

‘Hidden danger’ of sickle cell – What, as if death wasn’t a bad enough danger? Now there’s another, more insidious, hidden danger?

Arab Big Brother show suspended – Wow. Can you imagine living in a society where the people can get so fed up with a crappy reality show that they force the broadcaster to take the show off the air? Oh wait, that does sound kind of nice…

They’re making headlines!

Project to drill into Earth fault – Lex Luther unavailable for comment.

Earthquake rocks California coast – even more so than Stryper? So it ain’t so!

US takes terror alert in stride – Wait, what? Terror alert? Huh?

Virgin pilot told to stay in US – Yes, we’ve got sacrifices to make.

Murdoch wins satellite go-ahead – “Finally…crisp, clear digital pictures on my television”

Loose screw halts nuclear plant –

Antibubbles made in Belgian beer – Yay! All of the other problems of the world have been solved.

Palestinian PM stands by roadmap – “Look, you try folding one of these things!”

Muslim group vows to flog any Somalis selling condoms – And you thought the Catholics were bad.

ALF: The Comeback Kid, er, Alien – Okay, my life is pretty damn boring and sad, but this is just ridiculous.

Let’s see if I can find enough…headlines:

Arctic ice shelf splits – Leaves rest of the Arctic to pay the tab.

Nigeria goes surfing with wheels – Really, that just doesn’t make any sense.

Gates boosts war on malaria – The war on drugs. The war on terror. Now a war on malaria? I’m waiting for the day when we start the war on littering. Or the war on picking your nose in public.

Reagan had ‘evil sex’ angst – I think I’ll file that one with “Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day.”

Pakistan questions Hambali brother – “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” etc etc.

Hanson to stay in jail until appeal – It’s about time justice was meted out for that damn “Mmmm Bop” song.

Son hits out at actor Depardieu – Admit it…you would also be mad if your father was Gerard Depardieu.

Oops! Perhaps Mbeki got his intelligence from the Brits?

And now….headlines

Japan’s Communists impose drinking ban. Japan. Communists. Huh?

US offers $25m for Saddam capture. I’ll take “Hiding in a Cave” for $1000, Alex.

US unemployment rate leaps. C’mon, really. Would you hire this guy?

Kraft plans to cut snack sizes. Public plans to just eat more of them.

Solar System ‘twin’ found. “So are they the opposites of us?” “Oh no, they’re exactly same…except they all wear hats.”

Polish force heads for Iraq. So many jokes, so little taste.

Opium pacifies Afghan refugee children. And you thought sitting them in front of the TV was bad?

Indian mob burns ‘witches’. Well, I certainly hope they tested the witches by floating them in water or weighing them against ducks before they carried out the execution.

Chilean blob could be octopus. Or possibly a blanc-mange from outer space. Be afraid people…be very afraid!

Galactic glitch for Star Wars game. NNNNNNEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDSSSS!!!!

More of the news that fits:

US Catholic bishop quits. Let’s get this straight: Cover up sexual abuse by the clergy and you’re okay. Get involved in a hit-and-run, and suddenly you’re unfit to oversee the spiritual needs of 400,000 people.

Microsoft sues spammers. And he rode upon a black horse, and his name was Irony…

Miners rescued after 40-hour ordeal. See, this is why you have child-labor laws.

Foul stench prompts lemon-scented clean-up in Marseille. At least it wasn’t patchoulli.

India receives ’stealth’ warship. “Yes, that’s it over there. Of course you can’t see it….it’s in stealth mode!”

US prices ease deflation fears. Good news, everybody! Everything’s more expensive!

Why dolphins get trapped in nets. Because they’re nets, and not portals to other areas of the ocean?

Deported Afghan paints sad picture. But could anything be sadder than this:

What’s been going on in the world?

US criticises security in Riyadh. Wants to know why Saudis’ psychic powers did not forsee these attacks.

‘High-rise’ housing for South Africa. Mercifully, no lame jokes about all of the clocks in the building be stuck at 4:20.

Plant sap ’causes cancer’. Could we just get a list of what doesn’t cause cancer? That would certainly be much easier to work with.

Congress moves to back tactical nukes. Yes, because the best way to control nuclear proliferation is to produce more nuclear warheads. It’s so obvious, why couldn’t I see that before?

Plane art upsets New Yorkers. The sign read “Caution, low flying planes”. Which seems about as tactful as putting up a sign reading “Caution, high flames” outside of Auschwitz.

Fleeing Democrats thwart Texan vote. “But I don’t wanna eat my brussel sprouts! I shall hold my breath until you take them away from me. That will show you!”

MEPs back ‘polluter pays’ law. Wait. You screw up, and therefore must pay the consequences? What a shockingly novel idea!

Failure to find Iraqi arms ’surprising’. Why, exactly, is it surprising?

Burglar to revive case against farmer. Guy breaks into house. Guy gets shot by house’s owner. Guy is unable to have sex because of being shot, so sues the owner. Are you sure this is happening outside of America?

No Iraq bounce in US retail sales. Once again, why is this surprising?

Brain ‘theft’ laws promised. Only major criticism comes from the generally unnoticed zombie lobby.

Ant history revealed. Apparently, the army ant’s family tree is as diverse as any you’d find in Appalachia!

Ewan McGregor: [Filming] ‘Star Wars’ Is “Tedious”. Try watching it, McGregor!

Famous Florida votes will be saved. And one day, maybe they’ll be counted.

Bush supports anti-gun move. More importantly…Don’t fuck with Gray Davis:

Sars ‘here to stay’. Well, I’ll just put some tea on, then.

Japan launches asteroid probe. One can only hope they’ll buy dinner for the asteroids first.

Spanish Government buys Goyas. And here I thought they meant beans.

Poland hosts three-way summit. Summit. Climax. Same difference.

Cholera outbreak feared in Iraq. Gabriel García Márquez says it’s nothing to write home about.

Flaw exposes Microsoft ID service. It hurt when my jaw dropped and hit the floor, I was so shocked by this news!